Sunday, November 04, 2007

Sad Naps

M53 Globular Cluster; Neal photographed this in Vermont
in the 1980s with his telescope and Nikon.

I seldom post personal things but this will be the exception. I may even delete this post in the morning. I had a long nap today and dreamt a beautiful dream. I was in the home of someone unknown who was close to me. Other family was there. And in the door walked Neal, my late husband. He had not been dead after all. He had been lost. I could even feel him and smell him. He looked exactly as he does in this photo above, taken only three years before he died. I took the photo on his Nikon non-digital camera as he taught me how to use it (the lessons never stuck).

The dream was so vivid and my grief began anew when I awoke and found it was not true.
When will I ever recover from this sorrow?

Keith Jones, the minister at our wedding, took this photo of us in 1971.

Neal and Andrew in 1982 in Charleston, Vermont when we camped on my father's property.

Neal's last hike. The Devil's Gulch section of the
Long Trail in Jeffersonville, Vermont; 1993.
It was a very difficult hike for him because he was sick.
I was really worried that we would have to get help but he did it.

Neal and his lifelong friend, Ric, at a reception
to celebrate the renewal of our vows; March 1994.
We had been married exactly 23 years.
Neal was in the last stages of Hodgkin's Disease (a type of lymphoma).

He died on May 10, 1994. Two months after this photo.



  1. Hi Andrée,
    I came looking for your photo hunt, late it's true, but found this post instead. How sad that you dreamed and woke up to reality. I'm sure you will never forget him. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Hi Andree,
    I am so sorry that you have had to deal with such an enormous loss in your life. Thank you for sharing the photographs and memories. I wish I could think of the right words but sometimes there aren't any. I will be sending out thoughts for you.

    As Ever, Carver

  3. Thanks for the visti to my blog....the weather has been interesting...I would have said we didn't suffer a drought but the trees are telling me differently.
    On another note, I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy to lose a loved one but so young and to an illness is difficult...especially your life mate. What an interesting dream...I always wonder what someone who knows dreams says about things like this. May there be joy in your heart when you think of him and your life together. I will come visit again.

  4. I am a very private and don't post very personal things usually either. However, whenever I read something personal on the blog of a "friend," it is makes that person seem much more real.

    I am sorry that this is such a sad personal story though. Any words I have would be insufficient. The only question that comes to mind is: Is it better to have known and then lost you soulmate, or never to have found that person at all?

    I hope you don't delete this in the morning. It is nice to know you a little bit better.

  5. I know sometimes it is hard to put personal things out here but that was so touching and it makes me feel like I actually know you better. I think by sharing our human heartbreaks we become more real. Not just a name on the Internet.

    Thanks for sharing this and I am so sorry for the loss you have endured. Your wedding picture was so beautiful.

  6. I am very sorry that something so sad happened to you. Your husband looks like he was a great guy, and I can tell he lives on in your heart.

  7. Andree,

    Your dream. This was a visit I tink. I yam sorry. To lose a part of your own skin like that, the fabric of your soul. Deze kindz of tingz we don't really recover from, we just manage to go on. Da momee sez dat grief iz a spiritual event, not a feeling or somethin' dat happenz & den goez away. We touch it & den touch it again. & in da middle of touchin' it, we growz new skin.

    -Dr Tweety

  8. Oh, I'm sorry. I have dreams like that, too, about my children. They're still living, but I haven't seen them for more than a couple of hours since 2000 & don't expect to until they're 18. Those dreams are always the worst because you never want to wake up & the feeling sticks around. I like to think of those kinds of dreams as a visit with the people I love & miss.

  9. Nothing I can say is really adequate, but I do feel for you, and my thoughts are with you.


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