Friday, June 06, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Fourth Sunday after Pentecost

Fourth Sunday after Pentecost

Hosea 5: 15-6:6
Psalm 50: 7-15 (Ps. 50:23)
Romans 4: 13-25
Matthew 9: 9-13, 18-26

Hosea 5

1 Listenz ta me, yu priestz! Payz attenshuns, yu Izraelitez! Hearz this, royal house! This here jugdzmentz is ‘gainst yu! You’z all been a snare at Mizpah, A do not want on Tabor.
2 Teh rebelz is deep in t eh killinz, Ai will punishes allz o’ dem.
3 Ai knowz ALL bouts Ephraim; Izrael can no hidez frum me. Ephraim, yu haz now only do BUTTSECKS (for monies, uv course) Izrael is vry vry bad.
4 Cuz uv teh thingz dey does, Ceiling Cat no wantz dem ‘round. T eh BUTTSECKS iz in their heartz Dey no care 4 Ceiling Cat.
5 Izrael iz snotty n it maeks dem luk REAL BAD Dey tripz over their sinz, Izrael n Ephraim doez. N Judah doez 2.
6 Wen dey taeks thur sheepz n thur more sheepz Ta find Ceiling Cat, Theyz not gonna findz him. Cuz he’s hidin’. Srsly. Iz hidin’.
7 Theyz unfaithful ta Ceiling Cat Dey haz childrenz wiffout bein’ mawwied. N dey haz dese crzy magik festivals Dat will eatz dem. LOL.
8 Soundz teh trumpetz in Gibeah, N in Ramah. N prbly uther places 2. Shoutz in Beth Aven; Leads us, O Benjamin!
9 Ephraim will be exploded On t eh deyz uv reckoning! Ai sez how it iz ta teh peoplez T eh peoplez uv Izrael!
10 Judah’s leaders r liek doze hoo movez stonez, wutvr dat mean. Ai will pourz out mah wrath! Li ek the waterz, cuz teh kittehs r ‘fraid uv wudder.
11 Ephraim gots it bad Theyz stoopid. Theyz worsheppen statchoos.
12 N ai’z a hairball ta Ephraim, N ta Judah 2, lol.
13 N wen Ephraim seez hiz owies, N Judah hiz own boo-boos, Dey sez ta King in Assyria “yoo canz helpz us?” But dis Kingz iz useless. Cannot fix boo-boos.
14 Cuz ai be a LYON to Ephraim, N ai be BIGGER LYON to Judah (cuz dey deserves it) Ai tearz dem up. Ai carries dem awai. N no 1 iz stoppen me.
15 Ai’z will sit on my warm spot, Till dey sez they’s sorri. Dey will seek mah face, But only cuz they iz mizzerable.

Psalm 50
Teh Song By Asaf

1 Teh mytee Ceiling Cat speekz to an sumuns teh Urf and teh uvva kittehs, frum teh sun cummin up to teh sunset, Srsly.
2 Frum teh Matrix, purrfect in booty, teh Cieling Cat Gloes.
3 Teh Ceiling Cat will beh cummin, and he wnt shup; uh fiyer eats afor him, and he iz in uh Storm.
4 Teh Ceiling Cat will make teh ceiling and teh urf come, Srsly, so tht he can watch teh uvva kittehs always.
5 He sed "Cum here my speshul kittehs, who pwomessed meh stuff by killin teh mices."
6 And teh Ceiling says tat Ceiling Cat is rite, cuz teh Ceiling Cat himselfs is teh judge, Cheezbrger.
7 Listen to meh kittehs! Cos ai iz gunna speek kittehs, and ai will testuhfai agaynst yooh!
8 Ai iz not gunnah shout a yooh kittehs fur yor sackriffisez or fur yor buhnt offrins what yooh alwayz gives meh.
9 Ai dunt want yor kows or yor horny beard kittehs frum yor howses.
10 Cuz ai alreddy haz all teh animulz in teh woodz, and all of teh cows on uh fowzand hillz
11 Ai'z frendz wiv orl of teh burdees in teh mowntins and teh creechers of teh feeld iz mine
12 If ai wuz hungree, ai woodnt tell yooh, ai would eet cheezbrgrz for ai can haz cheezbrgrz, and all tat is in dem
13 Do Ceiling cat eat teh skinz of kowz? or drinks teh blud of teh horny beardy kittehs?
14 Fank meh by killin teh d00ds like yooh pwomessed meh yooh wood, Srsly.
15 Ask meh for halpz when yooh wants it, ai will halp yooh, and yooh will return teh fayva

Romans 4: 13-25

13 Ceiling Cat tolded Abrahm an hiz kittnz dat dey wud run teh wrld bcz beleevn maeded dem good.
14 Bcz if teh popo on ur side jus bcz thay liek ur parintz, den beleevn equalz zeero cookies, so Ceiling Cat's resipe iz jus dum,
15 cuz teh lawz iz cookie taek awai. N whre theyre iz no popo, they iz no cookie taek away.
16 K so resipe iz in inbox if u beleev adn all Abrahmz kittenz gets it 4 free, evn if you popo or Abraham kat. Bcz Abraham iz evry1z dad kat.
17 It wuz wroted: "I haz maed you dad kat of mani breedz." He iz owr dad kat, adn teh Ceiling Cat iz lookin bcz Abruham beleevd in Ceiling Cat—teh kat thet raizes ded kats frm kat cmetery adn sayz "Thatz a dog!" whne itz rly a kat.
18 So it wuz a logn shot, but Abhram beleevd, adn so he wuz dad kat of mani breedz, jus liek soem1 saed 2 him, "Ur kittenz gonna be leik that."
19 Adn he stil beleevd, evne tho hiz boddy culdnt scampr ne more—bcz he wuz 21 yrs old (thatz leik 100 human yrs!)—plus bcz Sarahz kitty-maeker didnt scamper too.
20 Y, he ddnt stop beleevn, he jus bleevd moer, adn he siad good thignz abuot teh Ceiling Cat,
21 bcz he thouhgt teh Ceiling Cat haz big pawz adn culd do whut he saed.
22 Adn thatz y "he got tripll wrd score in hiz inbox."
23 Teh wrds "in hiz inbox" was wroted not jus fr him,
24 dey wuz rittn for us too. Ceiling Cat wil giv us credit for bleevin in him. He maeded Jebus com bak from teh dead.
25 Jebus dieded for our Invisible Errorz an comd bak to lief to maek thingz bettr.

Matthew 9: 9-26
A Matthew...Jebus has it

9 So den Jebus, he kep on walkin. Den he seez Matthew workin on sum taxes. Jebus was liek, "O hai, comes wit me lolz!" an Matthew did.
10 Laters, Jebus wuz eetin a cheezburger at Matthews houz wit sum frindz, and den sum shadee ppls all liek cames in n wuz eetin too.
11 But teh farisees got crazee mad and yelld sum and sed "WTF?! dese ppls is grose Y U EET WIT DEMS!"
12 Jebus was liek, "Shut up guyz, srsly. Who needin doctrs? Sick ppl, not helthy pples! DUHH u n00bs!
13 Member teh scripshur dat sed, 'Iz all bout sum luvn, not religuns lol!' Iz on Urths to help ppls, not hangin out wit farisees dat tink dere so kool and stufs."
Tawkin bout not eetin ur kibblz
14 So wun dayz John da Baptist, he wuz liek "Jebus, I has a fast, mai frindz has a fast, even dose farisees has a fast! Y dont ur disyples has fasts liek us?"
15 But Jebus wuz liek, "Do kittehs act sad on Caturday?! Noes! But wun day, Caturday be gone, den dey fast :( .
16 Wud u put sum grose old stuf on ur new cooky? Noes!
17 Wud u put sum fresh milks in a leeky bukkit?! NOES!"
D00d has gud fayths
18 Wile Jebus wuz tawkin, d00d frum a tempul sed "Mah dawter, she dide! But Iz not skeered. I knows u can maek her alyve agen if u puts ur paw on her lolz!
19 So Jebus was liek, sure d00d, and dey wuz walkin over dere
20 when sum ladie who had a bleedin in hur tummeh snuk up and toched Jebus's furs.
21 She was all liek, "if I can jus toch him, I be ok lolz!"
22 Jebus be liek, "wtf wuz dat?!" an den he saw de ladie. He sed, "Oh hai, be happie! U has sum gud fayths, now uz all bettur!!!1!" An she wuz.
23 Den Jebus got to dat d00d's houz frum bfore, an dere wuz a bunch of ppls and sum sad musics.
24 "Shoo, ppls!" he sed. "Dis gurl dont be ded; jus takin a napz lolz!" But dose ppls laffed at him.
25 But when does ppls lef, Jebus he hold dat gurl's hand, and she be standin up liek woa!!!
26 Evrywun heard bouts dis miracul, and dey were all liek, wtf. Srsly.

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