Friday, June 20, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Sixth Sunday after Pentecost

Sixth Sunday after Pentecost

Jeremiah 20: 7-13
Psalm 69:7-10 (11-15) 16-18 (Ps. 69:16)
Romans 6:1b-11
Matthew 10:24-39

Jeremiah 20
1 Wen teh preest of teh Ceiling Cat herd Jerdemaya miaowin' teh profesy,
2 He had Jerdemaya beated up an put in a rubbermaid tote. IT'S A TRAP!
3 Teh nex dai, teh preest (hiz naym wuz Pashur)let him out an Jerdemaya told him:
"Ceiling Cat sez ur naym is not Pashur nomoar! Ur naym is Majer-Pain-in-mah-harbls!"
4 Cuz Ceiling Cat sez I wil be a terrer to evrywon! Wif ur own eeys yu wil see dem fall down
bai teh lite sabers of der nenemys!
5 I wil giv awl teh bukkits to ur nenemys an all teh can openers an evryting yu has!
6 An yu, Majer Pain-in-mah-harbls, an evrywon in ur base wil go to exile in Narnia!
wer yu wil dyes an b beried in a litter bocks fer tellin lyes! ALL LYES!!

7 "Ceiling Cat yu lyed an i bleevd! Yu pwnd meh an i wuz pwnd hard!
All teh kittehs mocks meh!
8 I proclaym ur werds an onlee get LOL'd at an smakd in mah fayce!
9 But if I no speeks bout yu, i feel lik i gona 'spload. I no can hol dit in!
{{verse|10=I heer kittehs wisper, "He no kno Ceiling Cat. He crayzee

Psalm 69

A miaow ov scaredy
1 Halp! Ceiling cat! I iz in baff - do not want!
2 Muddy baff = muddy paws. I am sink. Baff deep!
3 I has tired now, mioaw lots. Want milk, want looksee - ceiling cat am late.
4 Peepz say "Bad kitteh!" I no bad kitteh, I gud kitteh! Rly! I can has buckitt bak?
5 Ceiling cat noez dat I iz not perfick kitteh.
6 I try to be gud kitteh, iz not mah fawlt u bad, I rly am gud kitteh, I doan wan u be sad.
7 I iz calld "Bad Kitteh", ceiling cat sey "must be".
8 I see mah bruvvas and dey say "Who u? We nevah metchu b4 n00b!"
9 I werk 4 ceiling cat now. U dis Him - u dis me.
10 I iz 1 sad kitteh! Hungry 2.
11 I dress liek bum.
12 Peepz at gate talk bout me an drunx dey sing "See da ickle kitteh, he work for teh ceiling cat, he a dirty kitteh, an a most unfeelin cat!"
13 But I pray 2 ceiling cat. Mah call haz importance, I iz in a Q, pls holds.
14 BTW I still be sink in da muddy baff. And peepz say "Bad kitteh!" 2.
15 HALP!
16 Kitteh still on holds. Nise muzik on holds.
17 Iz wait liek a gud kitteh, can has smile? Can has ansa?
18 Cum ceiling cat, buy me sole soez teh bad kittehs can no have.
19 Ceiling cat noez I dat iz not perfick kitteh. I sed dat b4 k?
20 Peepz say "Bad kitteh!" I sad, need hugz. No can has hugz.
21 Peepz give kitteh dog food 2 eet and vinniga 2 drinks.
22 Kitteh wants maek toylet in peepz food. LOL.
23 Kitteh wants peepz to haff no see and dere nawty bitz go wobbli.
24 Ceiling cat mad a peepz, lay smack on peepz.
25 Kitteh wants peepz go now, not cum bak, evah.
26 Peepz am nasty to teh whupped of teh ceiling cat and scolded dose who ceiling cat said "Bad kitteh!" 2. Copicatz!
27 Ceiling cat maek list, chickin it twice. List of dose can has NOT cheezburgr.
28 Ceiling cat has list an can take namez way from teh bigg buk of good kittehs. No cheezburgrz 4 bad kitteh!
29 I haff teh limp an teh scrachd noze an I iz worry lots but teh ceiling cat am my bodigard. Has magnetik catflap.
30 I sing abowt teh ceiling cat. He iz good kitteh, thx.
31 Am make ceiling cat juss liek happycat. Him moar happy dan haffink funny mooes.
32 Peepz wiv no cash see dis an be liek happycat. Dose am look fur Ceiling Cat am be brave kitteh.
33 Ceiling cat here wot peepz am need. No fink bad fings bowt kitteh's in teh kittypound.
34 Evrybody luvs teh ceiling cat! Even teh fishies.
35 Ceiling cat has naybahood wach. Build speshul place fur hiz kittehs.
36 Hiz kittehs kittehs can has live dere 2. An dere kittehs 2. An doze kittehs kittehs az well. U gets da pikchur. Teh ceiling cat's kittehs dere 4 evah n evah... kthxbai

Romans 6: 1-11

1 Wha'sup? Keep onna Invisible Error, itbe grazin' bouts?
2 Lyk Ceiling Cats sed nope. Yo! Iffn wez Invisible Error, den wehn wez gunna dirtnap?
3 Youse dunno, Youseall dun wet yer fur inna rivr by Jebus Krisp anna wer inna rivr fer hims dirtnap?
4 Itellyaz webe dirtnappin by wettin our furs inna rivr: dat lyk Jebus turnd inta vampire-d00d anna liver ferevva by Sky Catz, so hez lookin fer cheezbrgrz anna warm milk.
5 Iffn wez dirtnappin wit dat Jebus, webe turnd inta vampire-d00dz 2, srsly liver ferevva:
6 Lissenup, old d00dz nailed to da scratchpost, dat Invisible Error may blowd up, youse cats nawt be humpin Invisible Error agin.
7 Iffn youze ded youse nawt Invisible Errorin no mor.
8 Iffn wez dirtnappin wit dat Jebus, wez be par-tayin wit him, srsly, ferevva:
9 Dats Jebus a vampire-d00dz; dirtnappin nawt stoppn him frum da par-tayin.
10 Fur him ded, him only have one Invisible Error: but him livn, him bootlikn da Ceiling Cat.
11 Anna yoube tinkin youse ded nawt havin Invisible Error, but libbin fur Ceiling Cats anna Jebus Krisp da Lard Cat.

Matthew 10: 24-39

24 "Students r not bettah den der teechrs, an hoomins not bettah then their kittehs.
25 Dey can jus be liek their teachr, an hoomins be liek their kittehs, an lernz frum dem jus liek dey can lernz frum Jebus. If sumbdy calld teh head kitteh ov teh hous "Beelzebub N00b LOLz", deyr gunna call hiz hoomins much worse naemz!
26 "But is okai, don be skared, thar iz nothin hidin dat i will not show.
27 Stuff i tell u in sekrit, speek in da open; wut iz wissperd in ur earz, shoutz and screamz it frum teh roofs.
28 Do not be fraid ov gais jus kuz dey kills bodies, becuz dey cannot kill SOULZ. Jus be skard ov teh evil wan hoo can destroy bodyz AND soulz in hell.
29 Teh birdehs are worth basikly nofing to ppl, but i even savez dem!
30 I even noes bout evry singel wun ov ur hares LOL.
31 So doan be afraid little kitteh! U r hol lot moar speshul to me den doez birdehz!
32 "So anyone hoo sez how much dey luvs me to all der othr kittehs, den i tell Ceiling Cat bout dem too.
33 but whoevr sez to kittehs dat dey don noes who i am an don likez me, im gonna be dissin dem to mai fathr Ceiling Cat.
34 "Don be tinkin dat i has come to brin jus all dis peace an cheezburgerz to de urf. I brot sharp claws an teef, akshuly.
35 4 i has come to turns ppl aganst each othr.
36 U will get ins fites wif teh ppl in ur own haus!' [d]
37 "Anybody who luvs sum kitteh, even der mommy or daddy or chilenz, doesnt deserv mai cheezburgers.
38 Also ppl who doez not taek up their cross an follow me iz not worthy ov mai luv either.
39 Evry tiem u findz sum cookehs in ur life u will looz it, but whoevr losez their cookeh for me will find it agin.

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