Friday, July 04, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Eighth Sunday after Pentecost

Eighth Sunday after Pentecost

Zechariah 9:9-12
Psalm 145:8-14 (Ps. 145:8)
Romans 7:15-25a
Matthew 11:16-19, 25-30




Zechariah 9:9-12

Teh comin ov zions king (a.k.a. Jesus)

9 rejoice greatly, o daughtr ov zion! Shout, daughtr ov jerusalem! C, ur king [b] comez 2 u, Righteous an havin salvashun, Gentle an ridin on donkey, On colt, teh foal ov donkey.
10 im gonna taek away teh chariots frum efraim An teh war-horsez frum jerusalem, An teh battle bow will be brokd. He will proclaim peace 2 teh nashuns. His rule will extend frum sea 2 sea An frum teh rivr [c] 2 teh endz ov teh earth. [d]
11 as 4 u, cuz ov teh blood ov mah covenant wif u, Im gonna free ur prisoners frum teh waterles pit.
12 return 2 ur fortres, o prisoners ov hope; Even nao i announce dat im gonna restore twice as mutch 2 u.

Psalm 145

I will exAlt u, mah Ceiling Cat teh Pwn
Evry dai I will IM u , An fwd u fr evr An evr
Great iz teh CEILING CAT an most worthy of kibble; his pwn nowun can haz
One base will fwd ur email to anoner; dey will macro of ur pwn
They will post of teh phishee pwn of teh Ceiling Cat, An I will downld ur pr0nz
They will post of teh pwn of ur awzom pr0nz, An I will post of ur winz
They will partaay ur lots of joy n joyness, An joyly macro of ur pwn
Teh Cieling Cat iz grayshus An compa - compa - neet; slow to report an rich in Friend List
Teh Cieling Cat iz cool to evryon; he can haz neet on all he haz not eated
All u haz not eated will macro u, O Ceiling Cat; ur Friends will fwd u
They will post of teh winz of ur base, An email of ur pwn
so all minz can haz be on ur Friends List, An hang at ur base
Your base is not b bedlong'd by anyone else, An ur chrysanthemum livz thru all madeds. Teh Ceiling Cat iz fayfthul to all hiz threadz, An lovin to all he haz not eated
Teh Ceiling Cat b catchin all those who haz no toastback, An liftzes those who haz teh bluz
Teh eyez of minz look to u, An u giv them der kibblez at noon
Teh Ceiling Cat iz admin in all hiz forumz, An neet towardz all he haz not eated
Teh Ceiling Cat iz near to all who IM him, An all who email him in trooth
He fulfeelz teh desires (not in that wai, perv) of dose who feerz him; he seez der IMz An unbanz dem
Teh Ceiling Cat b watchin' all dose who masturbate, but all teh meanies he will eated
My postz will chatspk in teh prayz of teh Ceiling Cat; Let evry spambot prayz hiz holy name; for evr an evr or until teh connection diez.

Romans 7: 15-25

15 Ai duznt knoes teh stuffs Ai does. Ai lieks sum stuffs, but Ai duznt does taht stuffs! Ai does teh stuffs Ai duznt lieks.
16 And wen Ai does teh stuffz Ai duznt lieks, Ai sez, "Hay, Ai lieks teh goode stuffs."
17 Hay, iz not me dat does teh badd doo doo stuffs--iz Invisible Error!
18 Ai duznt has teh goode stuffs (liek, mah sins duznt has teh goode stuffs). Ai lieks teh goode stuffz, but Ai cannut does teh goode stuffs.
19 Teh stuffs Ai does iz not teh goode stuffs Ai lieks; IAi only does teh badd doo do0 stuffs sum moar. Srsly.
20 Ifs Ai does teh badd doo doo stuffs Ai duznt lieks, iz not me, iz mah sins, k?
21 Ai watch judge judy, den, wehn Ai wood do gud doo doo, bad-bad doo doo iz inna mah azz.
22 Fur Ai likz da Ceiling Catz judge judy uppin mah azz:
23 Buttr Ai seez nuthr judge judy, Catfight! wit judge judy inna mah hed, dat putz da collrn leash onna judge judy of Invisible Error dat iz in mah penis.
24 Oh hai, bad catz dat Ai am! Who gunna pet mah furz an scratch mah earz when Iz dirtnappin?
25 Thnx Ceiling Cat anna Jebus Krisp da Lard Cat anna fat cat. Den in mah hed Ai da bootlikr uv Ceiling Catz judge judy; buttr da big PUTTIN TEH PENIS INSIDE is da judge judy uv Invisible Error. Srsly I sez catz.

Matthew 11: 16-30

16 But wat liek ai shuld comparz dis genration? Dey are all liek kittehs in liek teh feed buy place. Srsly
17 We liek gived yu teh awesome music from teh flutz (Srsly) but liek yu not danced srlsy; we sang a sad sung and liek yu not run out of happy.
18 Fur liek John no liek come eatin or liek no drinkin, them liek sez "Him are a cat wif no fur" Srsly
19 The guy kitteh caem drinkin liek milk and liek eatin cheezburgerz, and them sez "Lookey here, fatcat and him liek a drink milk to much, a budy of teh cheezburgerz taker, and invisible error doer" But teh smartness is showed by she acxion. Srsly

No more happy for teh no admit cities
20 Then Jebus begin to liek say cities were him do miriclez cuz liek dey no admit der invisible errors. Srsly
21 "No happy to yu Korazin! No happy to yu Bethesda! If the mirclez had be did in liek Tyre and Sidon, they'd aks furgivins many time ago srsly in food sacks and ashs'. srsly
22 But ai sez to yu, it bez much liek easierz for Tyre and Sidon on the day of judes. srsly.
23 And yu Capernum will be moved to teh skies? Yu will go down to teh depfs.Srsly. If teh mirclz that wer purformz n yu were been purformz in sodom, it still be here till this day. Srlsy.
24 But ai sez yu dat are be more easier to be endurded for Sodom on teh day of juges dan fur yu. Srsly.

Sleep for teh Tiredz
25 At the time Jebus saz, "Ai praized yu, Father lords of teh Ceiling and Urf, cuz yu have hidded dese things from teh wize and learnered, and showed dem to teh kittehs.
26 Yes Dad, this was gewd timez.
27 "All things has be done to me by mah fasha. Nobody knows teh Son except teh Fasha, and nobody knows teh Father cept teh Son and dose who teh Son shows he.
28 "Comed to me, all yu who is tiredz and hurted, and ai shall gived yu sleepz.
29 Taked mai good onto you and learnz from me, for Iz gentle and calmed in teh heart, Srsly and you will find sleepz for yur solez.
30 For mai good are easy and mai hard times are light. Srsly"

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