Friday, July 18, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Tenth Sunday after Pentecost

Tenth Sunday after Pentecost
Isaiah 44:6-8 or Wisdom of Solomon 12:13, 16-19
Psalm 86:11-17 (Ps. 86:11)
Romans 8:12-25
Matthew 13:24-30, 36-43
Semicontinuous series
Genesis 28:10-19a
Psalm 139:1-12, 23-24 (Ps. 139:1)
Romans 8:12-25
Matthew 13:24-30, 36-43


Isaiah 44: 1-6

1 Opn yu eerz, yu Jakub, bcuz yu iz mai kitteh. Opn yu eerz, yu Izreyl, bcuz yu iz mai kitteh.
2 Ai iz YHWH. Ai maek yu evn in teh tummy ov yu momcat. An Ai iz helpin yu. No feer.
3 Wehn yu iz all "WANT MILK NOW" Ai will givz milk. An wehn teh plantz want water Ai givz teh rayn, so stay in teh howse niec an kumfy an no get wet. Bcuz if no rayn nevr, all plantz dai, an then no catnip an no wheet for maek bun for cheezburgr.
3b But for yu an yu kittehz Ai will giv mai LEET SKILLZ. Yu kittehs will be all happi.
4 ???
5 An yu kittehz will be proud to say, "Ai iz teh kitteh ov Ceiling Cat."
6 YHWH teh rulr ov Izreyl, an teh YHWH ov teh (angels?), who saev yuz from teh kennel, iz want tok now. Opn yu eerz, bcuz YHWH say: "Ai iz FURST an Ai iz LAST an Ai iz teh onli Ceiling Cat."


Psalm 86
A prayr ov david

1 hear, o lord, an anzwr me, 4 im poor an needy.
2 guard mah life, 4 im devotd 2 u. U r mah ceilin cat; save ur servant Hoo trusts in u.
3 has mercy on me, o lord,
4 i call 2 u all dai long.4 brin joy 2 ur servant, 4 2 u, o lord, I lift up mah soul.
5 u r forgivin an gud, o lord, Aboundin in luv 2 all hoo call 2 u.
6 hear mah prayr, o lord; Listen 2 mah cry 4 mercy.
7 in da dai ov mah trouble im gonna call 2 u, 4 u will anzwr me.
8 among teh godz thar iz none liek u, o lord; No deedz can compare wif yours.
9 all teh nashuns u has made Will come an worship before u, o lord; They will brin glory 2 ur naym.
10 4 u r great an do marvelous deedz; U alone r ceilin cat.
11 teach me ur wai, o lord, An im gonna walk in ur truth; Gimie an undividd hart, Dat i cud fear ur naym.
12 im gonna praize u, o lord mah ceilin cat, wif all mah hart; Im gonna glorify ur naym forevr.
13 4 great iz ur luv toward me; U has deliverd me frum teh depths ov teh grave. [a]
14 teh arrogant r attackin me, o ceilin cat; Band ov ruthles doodz seekz mah life— Doodz without regard 4 u.
15 but u, o lord, r compashunate an grashus ceilin cat, Slow 2 angr, aboundin in luv an faithfulnes.
16 turn 2 me an has mercy on me; Grant ur strength 2 ur servant An save teh son ov ur maidservant. [b]
17 gimie sign ov ur goodnes, Dat mah enemiez cud c it an be put 2 shame, 4 u, o lord, has helpd me an comfortd me.


Teh Footnotez

a - Psalm 86:13 hebrew sheol
b - Psalm 86:16 or save ur faithful son


Romans 8: 12-25

12 Lissenup, brudder catz, we dun haz to chase affer meatz.
13 Iffn youse liv dat way, an dance wit teh meatz, youse ded: but iffn youse Invisible RAWR atta meatz-chasin, youse not ded.
14 Invisible Cat rulz, srsly, an can maiks u kittnz uv Ceiling Cat.
15 Yu invisible kitty, in yu, it shoodent be fraid; but choo 'dopted Invisible Cat an u can meow-meow, "Abba, Big Daddy Cat."
16 Invisible Cat seez our own invisible kitty, an sez we be kitnz uv Ceiling Cat:
17 An kittnz, den der kittnz; kittnz uv Ceiling Cat, an der kittnz of Jebus; Iffn we getz bit anna poked inna eyez, den webe brudderz poked inna eyez togeddr, RAWR srsly.


Cheezburgrz in teh Fyootchur
18 Ai fink dat evn if we getz owr eyez pokd today, datz nawt a dig deel, cuz in teh fyootchur ders cheezbrgz fur uz to be eatin, meow.
19 See cuz, evryfing dat Ceiling Cat mayd, teh Urfs an Stuff, iz waytn to see who iz kitnz uf Ceiling Cat.
20 Cuz teh Urfs an Stuff, Ceiling Cat mayd it RAWR cuz
21 wun day teh Urfs an Stuff will be liek catz dats nawt got collrs n leash no mor an iz runnin round da campfyr, meowing at da kittnz uv Ceiling Cat.

22 Alldatz creashun, teh Urfs an Stuff, meows anna whines lik catz gettn bootz trowd attem in allyway.
23 Nawt jess dem, but us to. We keeps waytn for owr adopshun.
24 We wuz savd by dat adopshun, but now we alreddy has it, so why we waytn for it?
25 Now we has to hope for moar warm milks in teh fyootchur, an den we wayt a wile: srsly, a wile.


Genesis 28: 10-22
Jacob HAS A Dream at Bethel

10 Jacob GTFO Beersheba n goed to Haran
11 he stopped whun it got darkiez n sleeped on a rock
12 he had-ed a dream; he saw teh stairway to heaven n there wuz lotz of kitteh on it
13 n up top lookin out from a hole in teh ceiling wuz Ceiling Cat he sez "I R Ceiling Cat, Watchin U Dreamz. U CAN HAS the land wheres U be sleepin"
14 Ur DNA gonna be leik radioactive fallout, Ur gonna be everywhar, n U all CAN HAS CHEEZBURGERZ"
15 I R Ceiling Cat, Watchin U wander n I maek sure U dont get losted."

16 When he waked up he all like "OMG!1!! Ceiling cat be here!
17 This place be stairway to heaven, where Zeppelin be at?"


Psalm 139

1 O hay, Ceiling Cat, You knows me rly gud right?
2 You knows when I sits, and when I is dun sittin'. You is liek a psychic, but not one o teh fake psychics. You dun readed my mind.
3 When I goes out mah kitteh door, and when I lays down in mah basket, You knowed it. I looked up 1 tiem and sawed you watchin me do somefin embarsing, but You still likeses me!
4 B4 I meows, You dun already knowed what I is gonna meow (but I meow anywai).
5 You tucks me into mai basket and gives me pets on mai hed.
6 Is 2 wunderful to knows, mai brainz not big nuff.
7 Where can I be hided frum U? U is everywhere.
8 When I goes in teh ceiling, I see U. I was sleepin in da basement 1 tiem and U dere 2.
9 If I had birdie wings and flewed me morningtimes 2 other side of teh neighbrs pool and hided reel gud in teh bushes,
10 You'd still finded me and give me hug tiems.
11 I dun thinked "I is sooper sneeky, and is invisible ninja kitteh at nite! Plus I knockded over teh tabl lamp 4 moar darks."
12 But You's got teh glowy kitteh eyes and can sees me when it's dark!
13 You dun made mai kittiness, and putted me in mah momma's tummy.
14 You dun a good job, I is teh awesome! Sos other stuffs U maked, I knows.
15 Mai bones, You dun seed them bein made. S'posed to be sekrit, but not 2 U.
16 Ur glowin kitteh eyes dun sawed me fore I was me. An U have big word book wit all mah pwnages and exploytes and stuffs writ down. Even ones I din't do yets!
17 When U thinks things, that thinkin's rly kewl. An You gots moar thotts than other peeples cause yur rly kewl.
18 You gots so many thoughtses, moar than anythin. Moar than mai litter box has gots sandses, which is alot. I wakeses up (in mai basket, not in mai littrbox) an U r there.
19 O hay Ceiling Cat, y dont U pwn moar bad guise? Teh baddies, dont want!
20 Theys all liek "Celling Kat U R noob! All your bases are belong to us!" an they's spelted Ur name wrong an stuff!
21 I hates them.
22 I rly rly rly hates them.
23 I is moar better then them! I thinks... Can U check?
24 Sos we'll know 4 sure, U should check, an if Im doin bad, U call "Here teh kitty kitty", k? So's I can come live wit U 4-evah.

kitten
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2 comments:

  1. O Hai! Dat ICHC is de rly gud blog for de kittehs...and the kittehs all reed about de Ceiling Cat and luv Him. Mah kittehs say thx, srsly.

    Kthxbai

    ReplyDelete
  2. Happy to see you published again and then with this funny bible, lol !
    I took photos of my cats while mouse hunting !

    ReplyDelete

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