Friday, July 25, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Eleventh Sunday after Pentecost

Eleventh Sunday after Pentecost
1 Kings 3:5-12
Psalm 119:129-136 (Ps. 119:130)
Romans 8:26-39
Matthew 13:31-33, 44-52
Semicontinuous series
Genesis 29:15-28
Psalm 105:1-11, 45b (Ps. 105:1, 45) or Psalm 128 (Ps. 128:1)
Romans 8:26-39
Matthew 13:31-33, 44-52


1 Kings 3: 5-12

Solomon Cat Watches Judge Judy Justice While Dispensing Liquid Wisdom

5 At Gibeon teh Lard Cat wuz in Solomon catz hed (Solomon cat wuz delusional cat on LDS liek all uv demz hip gaiz bak den), an Ceiling Cat sed, "WTF YOUSE WANT FRUM ME?"
6 Solomon cat, himz dreamin on LDS, sed, "Youse bin niez to mah bootlikn dadacatz, David, cuz him showz youse himz peniz an walkd wit himz styff tayl inna air. Youbin gud sum mor an gibbin himz niez boy kittn to sitz onna himz toilet seat liek today. Srsly.
7 "Meow, Ow Lard Cat mah Ceiling Cat, Ai iz der bootlikn king cat inna plaze uv dadacatz David. Butt Ai iz justa widdle kittn an donna nose howta dance laik da big cat dancez.
8 Yer bootlikr iz here in da middL uv teh catz youse piked out fer yerselfz, wez riel niez catz too, an derz way too mani uv uz cats fer da cowntin.
9 Soz gimme a break liek to meh, da bootlikr, an lettuz see riet stuffz to duz instedda rong stuffs to duz. Tellmez, sidez meh, whoz gunna be yer main cat d00d dat kin duz da stuffz dat youse needz doin? WTF, Srsly?"
10 An Lard Cat wuz smilin taht Solomon cat yammrd fur diz stuffz so nawt shellfishly.
11 Soz Ceiling Cat sez, "Cuz youse wantd dis stuffz anna nawt vampire livin orda joolz anna guld N krapy W^L*M^RT stuffz fur youse own, anna youse nawt askded fer meh 2 killz yer dumazz enimaz but watchd episodz uv judge judy,
12 Aiz gunna duz watchoo askz fer. Ai gibz youse brainiac sizd brain inna hed anna niez blud tikker, soz taht der nawt evva gunna be da niez gaiz liek youse, srsly evva. Ai meanz itz, srsly.


Psalm 119

Teh Aleph
1 [a] Luky dem hus pat iz raizos, dey hu fallow da Ceiling Cats lov.
2 Luky dem hu keepz Hiz kovenant an bai their hole hart azk Hiz wil,
3 thei hu don do ´rong but wook Hiz wayz.
4 U´ve given ur rulz to bii fulli obeid.
5 Aww, dat mai wayz wer stedi wen dooin´ woot u sayz!
6 I won´t be a n00b wen i´m dooin´ all w00t u sayz.
7 Ai wil meow 2 u from mai hart wen learnin´ ur gud lawz.
8 Ai wil do w00t u sayz - never 4sake me.


Teh Beth

9 How a lil´ kittah keepz hiz wei purrrrr? Bai livin´ az u sayz.
10 Aim lockin´ 4 u wit all my hart; don´t let me to do w00t u not wish.
11 Ur word is in mai hart, stoppin my sins
12 Meow 2 u, aww Ceiling Cat, teez me w00t u sayz
13 Ai wil sayz 2 evry1 all dat komes from ur mouth
14 Ai liek 2 do w00t ya sayz liek ai liek a kup o´ gud milk.
15 I think ov w00t u sayz´n luk 4 ur wayz.
16 Ai enzoi w00t u sayz; ai wil not 4get ur wordz


Teh Gimel

17 Pet ya lil´ kittah´n ai wil liev, ai wil obei ur wordz.
18 Open mai aiz 2 see niec tingz in ur law.
19 Ai am a stranger on earth; don´t hide w00t u sayz from me.
20 Mah soul iz consumd wif longin 4 ur laws at all tiems.
21 u rebuke teh arrogant, hoo r accursd, Dose hoo stray frum ur commandz.
22 remoov frum me scorn an contempt, 4 i keep ur statutez.
23 though rulers sit togethr an slandr me, Ur servant will meditate on ur decreez.
24 ur statutez r mah delight; They r mah counselors.


Teh Daleth

25 Im laid low in da dust; Preserve mah life accordin 2 ur werd.
26 i gaev an akownt ov mah ways an u anzwerd me; Teach me ur decreez.
27 cause me 2 understand teh wai ov ur precepts, Dat i cud meditate on ur wanderbl deedz.
28 mah soul iz weary wif sorrow; Strengthen me accordin 2 ur werd.
29 keep me frum deceitful ways; Be grashus 2 me an teach me ur law.
30 i has chosen teh wai ov faithfulnes; I has set mah hart on ur laws.
31 i hold fast 2 ur statutez, lord; Do not let me be put 2 shame.
32 i run in da path ov ur commandz, 4 u has set mah hart free.


Teh He

33 Teach me, lord, teh wai ov ur decreez, Dat i cud follow it 2 teh end. [b]
34 gimie understandin, so dat i cud keep ur law An obey it wif all mah hart.
35 direct me in da path ov ur commandz, 4 thar i find delight.
36 turn mah hart toward ur statutez An not toward selfish gain.
37 turn mah eyez away frum worthles things; Preserve mah life accordin 2 ur werd. [c]
38 fulfill ur promize 2 ur servant, So dat u cud be feard.
39 taek away teh disgrace i dread, 4 ur laws r gud.
40 how i long 4 ur precepts! In ur righteousnes preserve mah life.


Teh Waw

41 Cud ur unfailin luv come 2 me, lord, Ur salvashun, accordin 2 ur promize;
42 den i can anzwr anyone hoo taunts me, 4 i trust in ur werd.
43 nevr taek ur werd ov truth frum mah mouth, 4 i has put mah hope in ur laws.
44 im gonna always obey ur law, 4 evr an evr.
45 im gonna walk bout in freedom, 4 i has sought out ur precepts.
46 im gonna speek ov ur statutez before kings An will not be put 2 shame,
47 4 i delight in ur commandz Cuz i luv them.
48 i reach out 4 ur commandz, which i luv, Dat i cud meditate on ur decreez.


Teh Zayin

49 Oh hai, u no can has forget ur meows to ur behbeh kitteh, fur u haz gave me cheezburger and u has not eated it.
50 Iz sik from bad fud but Ceiling Cat sez Ceiling Cat can has keeps me aliev.
51 Teh no gud puppehs bark an bark an bark, but Iz eated ur cheezburgerz.
52 Ceiling Cat, I can has ur old cheezburgerz, an I eats dem and Iz happeh.
53 Iz mad at teh no gud puppehs dat no has gud cheezburgerz.
54 I eats ur cheezburgerz were i seepz. Srlsy.
55 Wen iz dark, Ceiling Cat, I can has ur naem, cuz I wants can has cheezburgerz.
56 I alweyz eated ur cheezburgerz. Kthxbai


Teh Heth

57 Oh hai, u r mah cheezburger, Ceiling Cat; I has promisd 2 obey ur meowz. Srlsy.
58 i has sought ur face wif all mah hart; givz me cheezburgerz 2 me accordin 2 ur promize,kthx.
59 i has considerd mah ways An has turnd mah pawz 2 ur statutez.
60 im gonna hasten an not delay 2 obey ur meowz.
61 though teh puppehs bind me wif ropez, Im gonna not forget ur cheezburger.
62 at midnite i rize 2 giv u thx 4 ur cheezburgers. (Even tho I seeps 20 hrs per day. I iz kitteh an I gets up in teh middle ov teh nite. Srlsy.)
63 im frend 2 all hoo fear u, 2 all hoo follow ur meowz.
64 teh Urfs iz filld wif cheezburgerz, Ceiling Cat; Teach me ur decreez. Kthxbai


Teh Teth

65 Oh hai, do gud 2 ur behbeh kitteh Accordin 2 ur meows, Ceiling Cat.
66 teach me knowledge an gud judgment, 4 i trust ur commandz.
67 before i wuz sik i went in rong kitteh boks, But nao i lissen 2 Ceiling Cat. Srsly.
68 u r gud, an wut u do iz gud; Teach me ur decreez.
69 though teh no gud puppehs has barked an barkd and barkd, I keep ur precepts wif all mah hart.
70 their hearts r callous an unfeelin, But i delight in ur cheezburgerz.
71 it wuz gud 4 me 2 be afflictd So dat i mite lern ur decreez.
72=teh meows frum Ceiling Cat iz moar preshus 2 me Than fanci feest kitteh fud. Kthxbai


Teh Yoda

73 Ur hanz made me an formd me; Gimie understandin 2 lern ur commandz.
75 i knoe, lord, dat ur laws r righteous, An dat in faithfulnes u has afflictd me.
76 cud ur unfailin luv be mah comfort, Accordin 2 ur promize 2 ur servant.
77 let ur compashun come 2 me dat i cud liv, 4 ur law iz mah delight.
78 cud teh arrogant be put 2 shame 4 wrongin me without cause; But im gonna meditate on ur precepts.
79 cud dose hoo fear u turn 2 me, Dose hoo understand ur statutez.
80 cud mah hart be blameles toward ur decreez, Dat i cud not be put 2 shame.


Teh Kaph

81 Mah soul faints wif longin 4 ur salvashun, But i has put mah hope in ur werd.
82 mah eyez fail, lookin 4 ur promize; I say, "when will u comfort me?"
83 though im liek wineskin in da smoke, I no forget ur decreez.
84 how long must ur servant wait? When will u punish mah persecutors?
85 teh arrogant dig pits 2 trap me, Contrary 2 ur law.
86 all ur commandz r trustworthy; Halp me, 4 im bean persecutd without cause.
87 they almost wipd me frum teh earth, But i has not forsaken ur precepts.
88 in ur unfailin luv preserve mah life, Dat i cud obey teh statutez ov ur mouth.


Teh Lamedh

89 Ur werd, lord, iz eternal; It standz firm in da heavens.
90 ur faithfulnes continuez thru all generashuns; U establishd teh earth, an it endurez.
91 ur laws endure 2 dis dai, 4 all things serve u.
92 if ur law had not been mah delight, I wud has perishd in mah afflicshun.
93 im gonna nevr forget ur precepts, 4 by them u has preservd mah life.
94 save me, 4 im yours; I has sought out ur precepts.
95 teh wickd r waitin 2 destroy me, But im gonna pondr ur statutez.
96 2 all perfecshun i c limit, But ur commandz r boundles.


Teh Mem

97 oh, how i luv ur law! I meditate on it all dai long.
98 ur commandz r always wif me An mak me wisr than mah enemiez.
99 i has moar insight than all mah teachers, 4 i meditate on ur statutez.
100 i has moar understandin than teh elders, 4 i obey ur precepts.
101 i has kept mah feet frum evry evil path So dat i mite obey ur werd.
102 i has not departd frum ur laws, 4 u yourself has taught me.
103 how sweet r ur werdz 2 mah taste, Sweetr than honey 2 mah mouth!
104 i gain understandin frum ur precepts; Therefore i hate evry wrong path.


Teh Nun

105 Ur werd iz lamp 2 mah feet An light 4 mah path.
106 i has taken an oath an confirmd it, Dat im gonna follow ur righteous laws.
107 i has sufferd mutch; Preserve mah life, lord, accordin 2 ur werd.
108 accept, lord, teh willin praize ov mah mouth, An teach me ur laws.
109 though i constantly taek mah life in mah hanz, Im gonna not forget ur law.
110 teh wickd has set snare 4 me, But i has not strayd frum ur precepts.
111 ur statutez r mah heritage forevr; They r teh joy ov mah hart.
112 mah hart iz set on keepin ur decreez 2 teh vry end. [d]


Teh Samekh

113 i hate double-mindd peeps, But i luv ur law.
114 u r mah refuge an mah shield; I has put mah hope in ur werd.
115 away frum me, u evildoers, Dat i cud keep teh commandz ov mah ceilin cat!
116 sustain me accordin 2 ur promize, an im gonna liv; Do not let mah hopez be dashd.
117 ufold me, an im gonna be deliverd; Im gonna always has regard 4 ur decreez.
118 u reject all hoo stray frum ur decreez, 4 their delushuns come 2 nothin.
119 all teh wickd ov teh earth u discard liek dros; Therefore i luv ur statutez.
120 mah flesh tremblez in fear ov u; I stand in awe ov ur laws.


Teh Ayin

121 I has dun wut iz righteous an jus; Do not leef me 2 mah oppresors.
122 ensure ur servants well-bean; Do not let teh arrogant oppres me.
123 mah eyez fail, lookin 4 ur salvashun, Lookin 4 ur righteous promize.
124 deal wif ur servant accordin 2 ur luv An teach me ur decreez.
125 im ur servant; gimie discernment Dat i cud understand ur statutez.
126 it tiem 4 u 2 act, lord; Ur law iz bean brokd.
127 cuz i luv ur commandz Moar than gold, moar than pure gold,
128 an cuz i considr all ur precepts rite, I hate evry wrong path.


Teh Pe

129 Ur statutez r wanderbl; Therefore i obey them.
130 teh unfoldin ov ur werdz givez light; It givez understandin 2 teh simple.
131 i open mah mouth an pant, Longin 4 ur commandz.
132 turn 2 me an has mercy on me, As u always do 2 dose hoo luv ur naym.
133 direct mah footsteps accordin 2 ur werd; Let no sin rule ovar me.
134 redeem me frum hooman oppreshun, Dat i cud obey ur precepts.
135 mak ur face shine on ur servant An teach me ur decreez.
136 streams ov tears flow frum mah eyez, 4 ur law iz not obeyd.


Teh Tsadhe

137 U r righteous, lord, An ur laws r rite.
138 teh statutez u has laid down r righteous; They r fully trustworthy.
139 mah zeal wears me out, 4 mah enemiez ignore ur werdz.
140 ur promisez has been thoroughly testd, An ur servant lovez them.
141 though im lowly an despisd, I no forget ur precepts.
142 ur righteousnes iz evrlastin An ur law iz true.
143 trouble an distres has come upon me, But ur commandz gimie delight.
144 ur statutez r always righteous; Gimie understandin dat i cud liv.


Teh Qoph

145 I call wif all mah hart; anzwr me, lord, An im gonna obey ur decreez.
146 i call out 2 u; save me An im gonna keep ur statutez.
147 i rize before dawn an cry 4 halp; I has put mah hope in ur werd.
148 mah eyez stay open thru teh watchez ov teh nite, Dat i cud meditate on ur promisez.
149 hear mah voice in accordance wif ur luv; Preserve mah life, lord, accordin 2 ur laws.
150 dose hoo devize wickd schemez r near, But they r far frum ur law.
151 yet u r near, lord, An all ur commandz r true.
152 long ago i lernd frum ur statutez Dat u establishd them 2 last forevr.


Teh Resh

153 Look on mah sufferin an delivr me, 4 i has not forgotten ur law.
154 defend mah cause an redeem me; Preserve mah life accordin 2 ur promize.
155 salvashun iz far frum teh wickd, 4 they do not seek out ur decreez.
156 ur compashun, lord, iz great; Preserve mah life accordin 2 ur laws.
157 lotz da r teh foez hoo persecute me, But i has not turnd frum ur statutez.
158 i look on teh faithles wif loathin, 4 they do not obey ur werd.
159 c how i luv ur precepts; Preserve mah life, lord, in accordance wif ur luv.
160 all ur werdz r true; All ur righteous laws r eternal.


Teh Sin and Teh Shin

161 Rulers persecute me without cause, But mah hart tremblez at ur werd.
162 i rejoice in ur promize Liek wan hoo findz great spoil.
163 i hate an detest falsehood But i luv ur law.
164 7 tiems dai i praize u 4 ur righteous laws.
165 great peace has dose hoo luv ur law, An nothin can mak them stumble.
166 i wait 4 ur salvashun, lord, An i follow ur commandz.
167 i obey ur statutez, 4 i luv them greatly.
168 i obey ur precepts an ur statutez, 4 all mah ways r known 2 u.


Teh Taw

169 Cud mah cry come before u, lord; Gimie understandin accordin 2 ur werd.
170 cud mah supplicashun come before u; Delivr me accordin 2 ur promize.
171 cud mah lips overflow wif praize, 4 u teach me ur decreez.
172 cud mah tongue sing ov ur werd, 4 all ur commandz r righteous.
173 cud ur hand be ready 2 halp me, 4 i has chosen ur precepts.
174 i long 4 ur salvashun, lord, An ur law givez me delight.
175 let me liv dat i cud praize u, An cud ur laws sustain me.
176 i has strayd liek lost sheep. Seek ur servant, 4 i has not forgotten ur commandz.


Teh Footnotes
a - Psalm 119:1 dis psalm iz an acrostic poem; teh versez ov each stanza begin wif teh same lettr ov teh hebrew alfabet. Srlsy. Kthxbai
b - Psalm 119:33 or follow it 4 itz reward
c - Psalm 119:37 2 manuscripts ov teh masoretic text an ded sea scrolls; most manuscripts ov teh masoretic text life in ur wai
d - Psalm 119:112 or / 4 their endurin cheezburgerz

Romans 8: 26-39

26 Teh Invisible Cat also halpz us wen wer week. An he meows an yammers in wais we kant.
27 Seecuz Ceiling Cat noes wat we want, an he noes wat teh Invisible Cat r finkn, an teh Invisible Cat talkz to Ceiling Cat for us.

Moar than teh Winnarz
28 U no, teh Ceiling Cat, he always doin stuff for ur own gud, if yu luvs him.
29 Teh Ceiling Cat nu us befor an calld us be liek Baby Jebus.
30 Wat him nu befor, datz hoo him calld; an hoo he hollerd fer, demz himz gibbd warm milk; an demz he givd warm milk, dem himz fed annuder cheezbrgr, srsly. Dubba brgr wit cheez. No mayo, dats nawt Kosher. Srsly. Mustard ok. An rellis. Hold da pikl, I dunno wer das bin. Srsly.
31 WTF den, srsly? Iff Ceiling Catz r fite for us, den who gunna hav Catfight?
32 Him naild hiz own kittn, Baby Jebus, to scratchn post, so we no hez gonna giv us mor cheezbrgz an warm milk, an stuff.
33 U fink u kan say hoo iz gud enuf? Onlee Ceiling Cat kan does dat.
34 An hoo gunna starta Catfight!? Jebus hadda dirtnap, an he livd agen, an iz teh right-paw mitten uv Ceiling Cat, dat d00d hoo maiks cheezebrgz an warm milk.
35 Den hoo gunna steels da luv uf Baby Jebus? kan Catfight!, or azz bitin, or no kibble in bowl, or no fur, or dangur?
36 Da skripchurs sez, "Fur youze we face deth all day long."
37 Nope srsly, webe moar dan teh winnarz uv cauz we petted Himz fur.
38 I noes dat nawt dirtnappin or dancin, nawt Invisible Anglez, nawt stuff nows or stuffs in mornin, nawt lektrisity,
39 nawt up, nawt dwn, nawt uddr aminalz, kan taiks us away frm teh luv we has, teh warm milk uf Ceiling Cat an Baby Jebus, teh Christ, owr Lord.

Matthew 13
(These are the only verses of Matthew 13 that have been translated.)

1 Den Jebus goed out of teh houz n leid in som son beamz bai teh wet.
2 Lotsa kittehs finded Jebus, so him gots a bukkit and sitted out in the wet, and teh kittehs did not want wet, so dey sitz on da beaches.
3 Teh Jebus sed sum lols "Da hoomin hoo gets teh milk had sum birdfoodz 2 grows
4 wHen he dropzed it, sum nugggits wif wings nommed it
5 den som falz on teh roxorz, n teh seeds wuz liek "we're in ur dirtz, growing big 4realz" cuz dere wuzzn't much dirtz
6 teh sunny beams came and wuz lyek "GROWIN ROOTS, UR DOIN IT RONG" an wnet pyro ons em
7 sum falls in teh scrachie bushez, and teh scratchies not wnat tehm gro
8 bt sum falled on teh gud dirt, where dey roflolled in2 bigg mommi and daddy plant, and dey gots real big. LOL

Genesis 29: 15-29
Jacob Marries Leah and Rachel (bonus)

Jacob hangz out a Laban's crib 4 a month
15 Laban sez "I wants to pays U2 workz, how much U want?"
16 now Laban haz 2 daughterz, old 1 Leah, n young 1 Rachel.
17 Leah eyez point different directionz but Rachel pretty n she stacked
18 Jacob sez "I wurk 7 yearz then I CAN HAS Rachel?, cause I got teh loves 4 her"
19 Laban sez "K, hang out here srsly".
20 So Jacob hung out 7 yearz 4 Rachel.
21 Jacob sez "K, GIMMEH Rachel I wanna do PENIS GOES WHERE on hers"
22 So Laban has feast with sheepz, n moocowz n cookiez n stuff
23 when it get dark he bring out Leah to Jacob n he did PENIS GOES WHERE? on her"
24 n Laban gave servant gurl Zilpah to her as maidservent
25 When it gets light in teh morning, Leah!1!!1!! Jacob sez to Laban "WTF? where B Rachel"
26 Laban sez "U CAN HAS old 1 first,
27 then after U do PENIS GOES WHERE with her for a week, tehn U CAN HAS udder 1, gonna cost nuther 7 yearz tho.
28 Jacob did PENIS GOES WHERE wif Leah 4 a week, tehn he got Rachel
29 Rachel got Bilhah, servent girl from daddy30 Jacob does PENIS GOES WHERE to Rachel n he even loved this 1, n he worked nother 7 years.

Psalms 105 and 128 have not yet been translated.


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