Saturday, August 02, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Twelfth Sunday after Pentecost

Twelfth Sunday after Pentecost
Isaiah 55:1-5
Psalm 145:8-9, 14-21 (Ps. 145:16)
Romans 9:1-5
Matthew 14:13-21
Semicontinuous series
Genesis 32:22-31
Psalm 17:1-7, 15 (Ps. 17:15)
Romans 9:1-5
Matthew 14:13-21




Isaiah 55: 1-5

1 OMG free cheezburgrz fur all ov yu! No luk at me all like "wtf?!" No sez "DO NOT WANT!" Jus com an get it! Iz tasty gud!
2 Wy yu buy spensiv junk fud whut don fill teh belleh? I got gud stuffs fur yu. Iz not jus cheezburgrz, is GORMET cheezburgrz!
3 Cmere an lissen 2 mai advis so yu can has gud lif wif naps in teh sun an cheezburgr evry day. I iz giv yu kewl an speshul promis leik i givs 2 mai servnt David who wuz bff wif meh.
4 C, i has made him witnes 2 teh peoplez, Leadr an commandr ov teh peoplez.
5 Surely u will summon nashuns u knoe not, An nashuns dat do not knoe u will hasten 2 u, Cuz ov teh lord ur ceilin cat, Teh holy wan ov israel, 4 he has endowd u wif splendor."

Psalm 145

1 I will exAlt u, mah Ceiling Cat teh Pwn
2 Evry dai I will IM u , An fwd u fr evr An evr
3 Great iz teh CEILING CAT an most worthy of kibble; his pwn nowun can haz
4 One base will fwd ur email to anoner; dey will macro of ur pwn
5 They will post of teh phishee pwn of teh Ceiling Cat, An I will downld ur pr0nz
6 They will post of teh pwn of ur awzom pr0nz, An I will post of ur winz
7 They will partaay ur lots of joy n joyness, An joyly macro of ur pwn
8 Teh Cieling Cat iz grayshus An compa - compa - neet; slow to report an rich in Friend List
9 Teh Cieling Cat iz cool to evryon; he can haz neet on all he haz not eated
10 All u haz not eated will macro u, O Ceiling Cat; ur Friends will fwd u
11 They will post of teh winz of ur base, An email of ur pwn
12 so all minz can haz be on ur Friends List, An hang at ur base
13 Your base is not b bedlong'd by anyone else, An ur chrysanthemum livz thru all madeds.
(Teh Ceiling Cat iz fayfthul to all hiz threadz, An lovin to all he haz not eated)+
14 Teh Ceiling Cat b catchin all those who haz no toastback, An liftzes those who haz teh bluz
15 All eyez look to u, An u giv them der kibblez at noon
16 U open ur paw, and givz all kittehs der cheezburger when want.
17 Teh Ceiling Cat iz admin in all hiz forumz, An neet towardz all he haz not eated
18 Teh Ceiling Cat iz near to all who IM him, An all who email him in troof
19 He fulfeelz teh desires (not in that wai, perv) of dose who feerz him; he seez der IMz An unbanz dem
20 Teh Ceiling Cat b watchin' all dose who masturbate, but all teh meanies he will eated
21 My postz will chatspk in teh prayz of teh Ceiling Cat; Let evry spambot prayz hiz holy name; for evr an evr or until teh connection diez.
+Apochrypha = i think dis meenz iz extra.

Romans 9: 1-5
Ceiling Cat's Playoff Pikz

1 Ai meow nawt bark bout Jebus — SRSLY, Ai can meows at Invisible Ceiling —
2 Ai nawt purrin cat.
3 Ai nawt has cheesebrgrz maeded by Jebus Krisp fur eated by uddr cats, uddr niec cats,
4 dems cats frum Itzreal. Demz dopted kittnz; demz purrin, teh greementz, teh judge judy channel, teh meowin crashpadz wit big altar.
5 Demz dadacatz, deyz incestr catz uv Jebus, oh hai Ceiling Cat, laik ferevva anna evva, K Thnks bai.


Matthew 14: 13-22

13. When Jesus, heer, he go by boat into dezert plac n there were liek a bazillion ppl who follow him on foor out of the citiz LOL.
14. N OUR LORD see the ppl and he liek heel their sick.
Jesus feedz da 5000
15. Teh dscpls sez to Jesus, "Teh peeps needz 2 go homez and eatz."
16. But Jesus sez to dem, "STFU Noob, Dis party aint over... U feed teh peepz."
17. "Liek...U crazy man, we only gotz five cheezburgerz and two phishyz" Teh dscpls sed.
18. "Bring dem to me, and den tell all teh peepz sit in da grass!!" Jesus said.
19. He lookz up at teh Ceiling Cat, and sez "Ceiling Cat is Gr8 and Ceiling Cat is good... OMGHI2U... KTHXBYE!"
20. Den he feeds 5000 peepz wit teh 5 cheezburgerz and 2 fishyz, and der wuz liek twelve-teen baskets left.
21. When teh BFIAA findz owt, dey sendz him a letter... "OMGHI2U...U must payz us $1000 per cheezburgerz and $2000 per phishy dat U made teh copy of!!"
22. Then Jesus haz sum air An fire runez and he cast OMGHI2UDHITBSTABHERDIAF!!!11!1! and teh BFIAA all wentz to hell!!!

Genesis 32: 22-32
Jacob Wrestles With Ceiling Cat

22 when it gots darks, he tookd hiz 2 wifes n 2 maidserventz n 11 boyz n crossed ovar the ford o Jabbok (girl wuz on her own).
23 After theys was ovar, he sended all his base n stuff
24 So he wus alone n fighted wif a cat,
25 when the cat saw he could not win he eated Jacob's hip.
26 the teh Cat sed "Lemme go, it be light"
But Jacob sed "Nana, gimmeh cheezburgerz"
27 Then teh Cat sez "WRU?"
"Jabob he sez"
28 the Cat sez "U no longer Jacob but I names U Israel cause U wins in fights wif Ceiling Cat and peeplez n ovarcome.
29 Jacob sez "WRU?"
Cat sez "STFU n gived him cheezburgerz"
30 So Jacob calleded the palce Peniel cause he sed "I saw Ceiling Cat but he did not eated me".
31 he wus gimpin whun he pass Peniel 'cause hiz hip was eated.
32 That's why Israelites no can eated teh tendon stuck to teh socket o teh hip, cause Ceiling Cat eated Jacob's hip nearz the tendon.

Psalm 17

1 O CEILING CAT, can haz grate justice?
Chek it: I is cryin.
Chek my wordses
cuz I no lyez.

2 Wuzn me stol taht cheezburgr.
Ur laik, "duh!"

3 U haxord my brain n hart wile i waz sleepzors.
U got r00t but findz no pr0n.
No haz invisible error.

4 I dos wat u sez,
so no folowz lamerz n trols.

5 I folow teh TOS;
no lye.

6 I mssg u cuz u mssgz me bak, CEILING CAT.
stik ur head owt of hole in ceiling an lisen.

7 Let me petz ur fuzy bely.
Wif ur awsom claus u help
tohs hu runz frm nmez.

8 Guard me laik u would guard ur pwn eyes.
Hid me plz. kthx.

9 Ban teh lamzors calin me geh,
seemz laik flam war gainst me.

10 Tehy r wifout piti.
Listn, tehy sez tehy r 1337! nfw

11 Tehy is scanz my portz.
reedz my netbios.

12 Tehy is laik hungry n wanz to eet me laik cheezburgr—
laik hungry lusers in line at bk.

13 Wak up, O CEILING CAT!
Pwn tehm 4 me kthx!
Scrachz tehm wif ur claus!

14 By ur masiv cheezburgr, O CEILING CAT,
pwn tohs lamerz hu look 4 datez on yahoo,
but givez ur frenz (laik me hint) a reel chik.
if burf contrl faileth, let themz kidz have game consols
an den dere kids can haz dem win dey growz out of dem (never lol).

15 Cuz I rulz, n I wil seez you.
Win I wakez up, I wil seez u face 2 face and w00t!

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