Friday, August 15, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Fourteenth Sunday after Pentecost

Fourteenth Sunday after Pentecost
Isaiah 56:1, 6-8
Psalm 67 (Ps. 67:3)
Romans 11:1-2a, 29-32
Matthew 15:(10-20) 21-28
Semicontinuous series
Genesis 45:1-15
Psalm 133 (Ps. 133:1)
Romans 11:1-2a, 29-32
Matthew 15:(10-20) 21-28

Isaiah 56: 1, 6-8
Salvashun 4 others

1 This ar teh wut teh lord sez: "maintain justice An do wut iz rite, 4 mah salvashun iz close at hand An mah righteousnes will soon be reveald.

6 An foreigners hoo bind themselvez 2 teh lord 2 serve him, 2 luv teh naym ov teh lord, An 2 worship him, All hoo keep teh sabbath without desecratin it An hoo hold fast 2 mah covenant-
7 Thees im gonna brin 2 mah holy mountain An giv them joy in mah houz ov prayr. Their burnt offerings an sacrificez Will be acceptd on mah altar; 4 mah houz will be calld Houz ov prayr 4 all nashuns."
8 Teh sovereign lord declarez— He hoo gathers teh exilez ov israel: "im gonna gathr still others 2 them Besidez dose already gatherd."

Psalm 67

Weez want Ceiling Cat two feelz bad for us and liek us lots; and look at us from Ceiling. Alz places and kittehs shud know bout Ceiling Cat, and luvs Ceiling Cat.
Alz places shud be happeh cuz Ceiling Cat luvs us alz. Alz kittehs does luv Ceiling Cat; alz kittehs shud luv Ceiling Cat!
Dis place has lots of cheezburgers; Ceiling Cat has made dis so. May Ceiling Cat liek us lots, and alz kittehs shud feer Ceiling Cat! Srsly.

Romans 11: 1-2; 29-32
Whutz Letf ov Izriel

1 So, wuz Ceiling Cat in Izriel, castin awai him d00dz? ROFL! Iz a kitten ov Abrham, Bejamen breeed.
2 Ceiling Cat wuznt in Izriel, castin awai him d00ds. Yu kno waht Elieja sed to Ceiling Cat abuot Izreal, rihgt?

29 bcz iff Ceiling Cat callz yu oar givez yu a gift, yu cant sai no.
30 Yu waz a bad kitteh, adn Ceiling Cat waz niec anywai,
31 so now tehy ar beegn bad kittyz so Ceiling Cat canz bee niec too tehm too!
32 Ceiling Cat maeks evreewun a littel bad so taht he can be niec adn furgiev yu. Srsly. Itz in teh Baible.

Matthew 15: (10-20) 21-28

10 And Jebus sed to evrybody: "LISTEN UP!
11 Iz not wut u eat that maeks u dirtie but wut comes out of u (an I don't mean hairbalz idiot I'm talking about mean wurds an stuf!)."
12 Then his guyz sed "Uhh Jebus thoz guyz r pissed now."
13 But Jebus sed "Evrthing not from Ceiling Cat is gun get killed!
14 Who carez about dem? Htey r blinded and so r all der frendz so they will fall into a ditch lol."
15 An Peter sed: "WUT, WUT!?"
16 An Jebus said, "U NEWB!!!
17 Look, wut u eat gos in ur mouth ends up in teh litterbox so who carez (srsly who cares)
18 But wut u say comes from ur hart so htat's wut realy matterz.
19 From teh hart come evil thoughtz, merderz, all teh bad kinds of sexx0rz, stealings (RIAA lol!), liez, an blasfemieez.
20 Thez r wut actualy maek u dirtie, so who carez if u eat without washen ur hands!?"
21 Then Jebus an crew went to Tyre and Sidon (where der r lotz of nice beaches an sunshine and such).
22 Then a girl-kitteh frum Canaan showed up an said rly rly loud: "HALP! HALP! HALP, O LORD, son of David! My litl girl-kitteh haz a devil!"
23 But Jebus he ignord her. So his disciples were all liek, "Make her STFU!"
24 But he sed, "I wuz sent only to teh lost kittehs of Israel."
25 Then she an wurshiped him an saying, "Lord, halp plz."
26 But he sed, "It is not gud to take the catnip from teh kittehs and give it to strayz!" (NEWBZ)
27 An she said, "Ya, but even strayz eat teh bits of catnip that end up in teh trashcans."
28 Jebus sed "Wow, finally sumbody who actualy getz it! I'll totaly halp your kitteh." An wen she went back home her kitteh was OK.

Genesis 45: 1-15
Joseph sez "Surpriz, itz me!"

1 hten Joseph cudnt stopz form gettin all emo An stuffz An he sed 2 his peepz all u d00dz go wai An dey sed k. An Joseph stopz fakin out his bros.
2 An he got all emo. srsly. An he cryed An stufz An all teh Egyptians in pharos base hurd him but taht wuz k cuz menz wuz aloud 2 cryz back in teh day.
3 An Joseph said hai, I iz ur bro Joseph. iz our old man stil aliev? An his bros wuz getin all skeerd An stufz An didnt knoes wtf 2 do.
4 An Joseph sed 2 his bros bleev me i iz Joseph ur bro wut u selld to teh egypshunz 4 20 moneyz long tiem ago.
5 but dont b all sad An skeerd An stufz cuz Ceiling Cat wantd me 2 com here An saev teh ppl An teh kittehs form starvin An getin ded form teh hungerz.
6 cuz teh hungerz An starvashunz haz ben goin on 4 2 yrz An we stil can haz 5 mor yrs ov no cheezburgrz An no cookiez An stuf.
7 An Ceiling Cat wantd me 2 mek shur hter wil b enuf cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An katfudz An catnipz An stuffs so teh peepz An teh kittehs wont get ded form teh hungrz An starvashunz.
8 So u didnt rly do wikkid evil thing even tho it lookd liek u did. Ceiling Cat maded u do it. srsly. An he tellz pharo 2 maekz me bosscat ov all his base An ov all teh land ov Egypt. so tehre.
9 so u can goez bak 2 ur old manz base An tellz him joseph sez Ceiling Cat maded me bosscat ov all teh Egypts An he can comz ovr 2 my base rite awai.
10 An i maekz base 4 u in teh land ov Goshen An u An ur wiefs An ur kidz An tehr wiefs An ur hol famlyz An ur kittehs An ur moocows An ur sheeplz can livz tehre.
11 An i wil givz u lotz of cheezburgrz An cookies An cornz An catf00dz An catnipz cuz htere wil b 5 mor yrs ov hungerz An starvashunz An no cheezburgrz An no cookies An if u staiz in canaan u mite get ded form teh hungrz An starvashunz An DO NOT WANT!!!1111!!!!!!
12 newai u can lookz at me An seez taht i iz ur bro. 4 rael.
13 An tell our old man taht im in ur egyptz bein teh bosscat An teh egypt is gud place 4 base An he shud com here rite awai.
14 An joseph got all emo again An it wuz huggz tiem An he An benjamin had big huggz An cryed An stuf.
15 An all his otehr bros got all emo 2 An it wuz rly rly huggz tiem. srsly.

Psalm 133

1 Behold, how gud an how plezent eet ees fur cafren to dfell togefa in uniteh!
2 Eet ees lik teh precioussssss oinkment upon teh hed, fat ran down upon teh beard, even Aaron's beard: dat went down to the skirts of his garments;
3 As teh dew of Hermon, an as teh dew dat desended upon teh mountains ov Zion: for dere teh LORD commanded teh blessing, even life for evermur.

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1 comment:

  1. Oh hai! Uz rly laiks dose Baibl storees, srsly. Uz wud laiks to heer mor of Ceeling Cat.

    Kthxbai, Mitzi & Bella,


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