Friday, August 29, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Sixteenth Sunday after Pentecost

Sixteenth Sunday after Pentecost
Jeremiah 15:15-21
Psalm 26:1-8 (Ps. 26:3)
Romans 12:9-21
Matthew 16:21-28
Semicontinuous series
Exodus 3:1-15
Psalm 105:1-6, 23-26, 45b (Ps. 105:1, 45)
Romans 12:9-21
Matthew 16:21-28

Jeremiah 15: 15-21

15 Yu unerstand me, Ceiling Cat. Pleez teyks cayr ov me! I sufer foar yu!
16 Wen ur kookies cam, I eated dem an I roll on floar wif hapy!
17 Nao, I has run out ov hapy cuz u maeks me sit in teh clawset.
18 Srsly, haow com mah criyin nevr endz? Wil yu be liek a FAILS?
19 Lissen, dis wat Ceiling Cat sai: "O Hai! If'n yus sai sory, I wil has mercees.
Cuz I has mad skillz ov compashun. If'n yu sez truf, i find yu worvy. Coolbeans!"
So sayith teh Ceiling Cat. A-miaow!
20 I wil sav yu frum teh Gozer destroider. Den tehy wil kno mai naym is Ceiling Cat! Yarr!!
End ov Jerdemaya fith-teen. A-miaow!

Psalm 26

Of David
1 Gives me cheezburgr, O CEILING CAT,
for I m nice to kittehs;
I haz trust in CEILING CAT
no dowt.

2 Snif me, O CEILING CAT, n nible
my organ meatz;

3 cuz u luv me so much ffs,
n i walk in ur troofzorz.

4 I not pm w/trollz,
I not mssg w/ retardz;

5 I hatz teh d00d made YT of u chasin ur tail
n DO NOT WANT chow mane w/ cat in it.

6 I lick mi paus w/ inosint tung,
hang out by ur kitteh bed, O CEILING CAT,

7 goin w00t! n stuf
n spaming al te kewl stuf u did.

8 I luvz teh ceiling ware u liv, O CEILING CAT,
teh ceiling ware u r al kewl n stuf.

9 Plz do not pwn mi sole laik teh invisibly erroneous,
plz do not let trollz pwn all my base,

10 taht flame tfo me w/ left hanz,
n rite hanz clik on sub 7.

11 But I iz gud;
so giv me fud. (cheezburgr plz)

12 My paus scampr on lvl grownd;
@ teh ROFLCon, I wil w00t 2 CEILING CAT.

Romans 12: 9-21

9 let ur luv be tru, pwn teh evil, hug teh goodz.
10 be nice 2 catz liek theyz ur brutherz, n honor ppl, k?
11 wrk hrd n do gud stuffz 4 Ceiling Cat.
12 u can haz hope n patience if u preyz 4 Ceiling Cat.
13 u shuld gives stuffz to ppl like Santa.
14 be nice to ppl even if tehy tries to pwn u.
15 if cats are hasing rejoice, u can has rejoice 2, but if theyz weeping u weep 2, k?
16 ppl are liek u 2 so be gud 2 tehm. dont prtend to be l33t if u r a n00b.
17 if ppl try to pwn u, u dont has to pwn tehm. n tell da truf, cuz Ceiling Cat can c u.
18 if u can lie down u shuld live in peace, k?
19 Don pwn kittehs. Don b mean if dey r mean 2 yu. TopCat pwns all mean kittehs.
20 Skripchures sey: "If ppl try to pwn yu, but den dey no has cheezburgers, giv dem yur cheezburgers. If kittehs sey mean things, but hav no moar cookies, giv dem yur cookies. Yu do dis, yu pwn evil kitteh. Srsly."
21 Don pwn kittehs jus cuz. B gud 2 all kittehs, so evil gose bai.

Matthew 16: 21-28
Jesus predicts his death

21 frum dat tiem on jebus began 2 explain 2 his disciplez dat he must go 2 jerusalem an suffr lotz da things at teh hanz ov teh elders, teh chief priests an teh teachers ov teh law, an dat he must be killd an on teh third dai be raisd 2 life.
22 petr took him aside an began 2 rebuke him. "nevr, lord!" he sed. "dis shall nevr happen 2 u!"
23 jesus turnd an sed 2 petr, "git behind me, Basement Cat! U r stumblin block 2 me; u do not has in mind teh concerns ov ceilin cat, but merely hooman concerns."
24 den jesus sed 2 his disciplez, "whoevr wants 2 be mah disciple must deny themselvez an taek up their cros an follow me.
25 4 whoevr wants 2 save their life [f] will lose it, but whoevr losez their life 4 me will find it.
26 wut gud will it be 4 u 2 gain teh whole wurld, yet forfeit ur soul? Or wut can u giv in exchange 4 ur soul?
27 4 da son ov man iz goin 2 come in his fathers glory wif his angels, an den he will reward evryone accordin 2 wut they has dun.
28 "truly i tell u, sum hoo r standin her will not taste death before they c teh son ov man comin in his kingdom."

Exodus 3: 1-15
Moses n teh burnin bush

"OMG dis bush, dis bush, dis bush iz on fire
1 Moses takes teh sheeples to teh Ceiling Cat mountain.
2 I'm in ur bush, burnin, not consumin.
3 Moses sez "OMG dis bush, dis bush, dis bush iz on fire! An iz still on teh fires!"
4 n Ceiling Cat sez "Moses Moses! Yo over teh here!" n Moses be liek, "wut"
5 n Ceiling Cat sez "Takes off ur shoos, dis be holiez placez.
6 I be teh Ceiling cat. All ur dadz are belong to me. n Moses wuz scared.
7 Ceiling Cat sez: "All yez ppl b sad. I seed dat.
8 Iz coming to saves dem an brng lotz ov cheezburgrs an milks. And honeys.
9 i hearz teh ppls cryin an stuf an teh bad guys w/ teh pyramids iz bad guys.
10 Sew, I iz snding U to teh ppl to saves teh ppl, k?"
11 n Moses wuz all liek, 'Wuh? Me? Nowai!'
12 n Ceiling Cat wuz liek, "Wai. I helping U, and U bring teh ppls to wrship teh Ceiling Cat at Ceiling cat mountain.
13 n Moses wuz liek, "Wut if teh peeps say, who iz dat guy there?"
14 n Ceiling Cat wuz leik, "I yam who I yam".
15 4evrs dat b me.

Psalm 105

1 Oh hai! - giv Cieling Cat teh bg prrrrrrrrrrrrr; yel "Ceiling Cat?" rlly lowd: tel othr kittehs (mybe puppeez tu) whut him haz dided.
2 Maek teh noizy mew at him, mybe maek up teh fnny song tu, k?: tel bout teh tiem he maek teh gushy coem out frm frigratr an oter majik stuf him canz du.
3 Rll arown liek hiz naem iz yr ctnipz: beez hppy win yu lookz arown tu seez Cieling Cat.
4 Go arown teh hole howz liek yu crzy cuz yu no canz find favrit toyz -- yu lookz arown to seez Cieling Cat, an teh mussels uv him, tu (hintz: dOOd! lookz up! him iz prbly in cieling -- yu lookz fr whskerz uv him -- RITE NOW! -- all teh tiem -- SRSLY!)

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