Friday, September 12, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Eighteenth Sunday after Pentecost

Eighteenth Sunday after Pentecost
Genesis 50:15-21
Psalm 103:(1-7) 8-13 (Ps. 103:8)
Romans 14:1-12
Matthew 18:21-35
Semicontinuous series
Exodus 14:19-31
Psalm 114 (Ps. 114:7) or Exodus 15:1b-11, 20-21 (Exod. 15:1)
Romans 14:1-12
Matthew 18:21-35

Genesis 50:15-21

15 den bros sed "Joseph will h8 us"
16 an bros sed "Joseph, dad sed
17 u must luv us an not be mad" an Joseph cried
18 an bros sed "we sirv u an lick ur feetz"
19 an Joseph sed "dont be fraid I iz liek ceiling cat
20 cuz u wer bad but ceiling cat maed it gud an kittehs got saved
21 dunt werry I give u cheezburgrz" an he gaev em cheezburgrz.

Psalm 103

1 Prayze Ceiling Cat, o mah soule, o Ceiling Cat, mah grate leeder, u is da shit. U gots nice fur too.
2 Prayz da Ceiling cat, O my fluffyness, an he stretchez out an purrs along the ceiling.
3 for Ceiling Cat iz grate for not skratchig de eyez out,
4 who letz youz live and letz you pettz him and snorgle
5 who gibs grate massazes with de paws and oh the clawz needin' da scalp and da swotting at birdz
6 for Ceiling Cat iz goooooood, an awwwwesome.
7 and u no when da ceiling cat iz there
8 wot wid da anger and de non petting an de strechin
9 he aint alwayz letz u pettz him, but he snuggles at nite
10 he duz the scratching when he wantz, eben when we be nice an feeeeed him
11 eben when da ceiling hi, he be there, redy to pounce
12 ceeling cat carez not as long as we feedz him
13 dont forgetz da fear, even wid da kittehs!!
14 cause he can kick out azzes enyday
15 watch da kittehs playin wid da grassez!!!! It eated da flower.
16 kitteh is ADD...a flutterby! me wantz it!!
17 be wary of ceiling cat, coz he gonna pounce on your bebbeh
18 'member da feedin and da pettin, and da no baths!
19 and no sittin in his ray-o-sun
20 obey!!! ceiling cat huuungry...gonna skratch if no food soon.
21 prayz da ceiling cat, for he be da koolest
22 prayz and feeded da ceiling cat, so he behave and no skratch u in eyez.

Romans 14: 1-12
Pls dont hiss at fat cat

1 Pls plai wif teeny and week kittehs. Dont eate teh teeny kittehs.
2 Fat kittehs eat all but teeny kitteh only eat cookies.
3 Teh fat kitteh, dont eat teeny kittehs cookies. srsly. And teh teeny kitteh, dont hiss at teh fat kitteh. Ceelin cat hug both laters.
4 Hu gaiv u teh rite to hiss at summone elses hoomin? Teh hoomin fail or not fail to hoomins cat. Cuz teh Ceelin cat make teh hoomin not fail.
5 Sum cat liek cheezburgerz betta than cookies, fat cat liek bouf. Bouf shudnt goe chainge urz opiniuns.
6 Hu liek to luke at fud, do it fo ceelin cat. Hu eated fud, do it fo ceelin cat and giv props to ceelin cat. Hu dont eate fud, do it fo ceelin cat an' givs props too, k?
7 Nobodies liv for selfbodies. Nobodies deades for selfbodies.
8 If us liv, us liv for ceelin cat. If us dies, us dies for ceelin cat. So if we liv or die, teh ceelin cat owns us.
9 Dats y Jebus deaded an' then respawn, so that he would own teh livers and the deaders.
10 O hai, u there! Y u bullie ur brothar? An' u there, hai! Y u look at ur brothars pawes insted of noes?? Srsly. Were all gonna be ratefied bai teh ceelin cat.
11 Tis ritten: "'As gud I liv', sez teh ceelin cat. 'evri cat will sit before me; evri tong will sez I pwn.'"
12 So evryone need to maek a selfcookie to ceelin cat.

Matthew 18: 21-35
Nother parable, about servant

21 Peter had kwestshun. He said to teh Ceiling Cat: "How many tiems do I 4give my bruther if he makes invisible error at me? Seven tiems?"
22 Jesus sed to Peter: "No wai, I did not say 7 times. U must forgive ur bruther's invisible error over nine thousand times!
23 So teh Howse in Ceiling is liek a king who wanted all dets made fixed wit the cats working for him.
24 Kingcat did so and found Workercat what wuz supposed to pay him over nine thousand munney.
25 But Workercat no had nine thousand munney. So Kingcat said "Taek his cheezburger away, and sell it so I can haz munney."
26 Workercat was very sad and said: "No wai, plz! I can haz moar time, and I pays u ur munney, promise!"
27 So teh Kingcat was a nice cat and maded teh debt go away.
28 But Workercat found anuther cat what had a det of a few munnies to Workercat. (Not many.) Workercat wuz angry at Othercat and said "U pays me or els!"
29 So Othercat was very sad and said: "No wai, plz! I can haz moar time, and I pays u ur munney, promise!"
30 But Workercat no gived Othercat moar time. He maded Othercat get locked in box until he payded.
31 Lots of cats wer looking an saw whut Workercat did. Teh Lookingcats wuz sad and tolded Kingcat whut happened.
32 Kingcat made frowny face at Workercat and sed: "Srsly, d00d, u iz bad cat. I maded ur debt go away cos u was sad.
33 Y u not maded Othercat's det go away when he wuz sad?"
34 An Kingcat was not happy, and maded Workercat's det un-go away, and said to Torchurcat: "U can scratch Workercat until he gives me teh munneys he owed."
35 (Jesus talking again) "An mah Daddy in Ceiling, he does same 2 u if u not 4give ur bruther his invisible errors."

Exodus 14: 19-31

19 So teh big clowd taht wuz Ceiling Cat wuz in frunt but it movd 2 teh bak. it movd
20 so it wer btween teh gypshuns An teh Izrelites. An teh clowd wuz dark scarei clowd fur teh gypshuns, but wuz nyse hapei clowd fur teh Izrel d00ds. An teh armeis no can see cuz it wer dark (cept 4 kitties cuz dey cn C in dark).
21 Moses put his han ovur teh see, An Ceiling Cat mayk big wind that blowd see all nite till see wuz drei lan so kitties no get wet. teh waterz wer dvided.
22 Teh izrelites crosd see on drei urth an no get wet. but tehr wuz walls o water on teh sieds.
23 But teh gypshuns An teh charyots chaysd tehm OMG!!

24 Tehn, rite be4 sun caym up, Ceiling Cat lookd at teh gypshuns An he pwnzd dem so dey freekd ouwt.
25 An teh weelz ov teh charyots wuz stuk an not moov gud. teh gypshuns sed "Ceiling Cat fites 4 justis 4 teh izrelites, An he no leik us. we shud skedaddlz, leik srsly."
26 Ceiling Cat sed 2 moses: "hold ur han ovur teh see, An teh waterz, tehy cum bak An coverz teh gypshuns."
27 so moses hold hiz han ovur teh see, An teh waterz go bak 2 normul. teh gypshuns treid 2 run awai, but Ceiling Cat frew dem in2 teh see.
28 Teh waterz coverd teh charyots An all teh gypshun armei d00ds. leik srsly. not evun 1 gypshun cud excayp teh waterz.
29 But teh izrelites, tehy crosd see on drei urth an no get wet An tehr wuz walls o water on teh sides 4 dem.

30 So Ceiling Cat savd teh izrel peepz taht dey. An teh izrelites seed teh gypshuns ded on teh beech.
31 an teh izrelites seed taht Ceiling Cat can pwn gypshuns, An tehy leik "wow taht be awsm!!" An tehy bleev Ceiling Cat An moses.

Psalm 114

1 wen teh Izrael got out of teh 'Gyp-landz,
2 Judah wuz teh home of teh Ceiling Cat n Izrael 2.
3 Teh sea ran awayz lolz.
4 Teh mountainz skipped liek teh ramz, an' teh hillz liek teh lamz, wich wuz ttly weirdz.
5 Y did u run away sea?/
6 u mountainz skipped liek teh ramz, an' u hillz liek teh lamz
7 ph34r teh Ceiling Cat.
8 who turnez rox into teh watah an' bak agin.

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