Friday, September 19, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Nineteenth Sunday after Pentecost

Nineteenth Sunday after Pentecost
Jonah 3:10—4:11
Psalm 145:1-8 (Ps. 145:8)
Philippians 1:21-30
Matthew 20:1-16
Semicontinuous series
Exodus 16:2-15
Psalm 105:1-6, 37-45 (Ps. 105:1, 45)
Philippians 1:21-30
Matthew 20:1-16

Jonah 3: 10 - 4: 11

10 When Ceiling Cat see what tehy did tehre he calls it Caturday and gived tehm cheezburgers and cookies.

1 Jonah gotted mad tho. He wuz lookin forwrd to seein teh Ninevites get pwnded an sayin "I told u so."
2 He wuz liek "Ceiling Cat, u is nice.
3 So plz kil me now kthnxbai."
4 But Ceiling Cat wuz liek "DO NOT WANT!"
5 Jonah sitted down to see what happnd to teh citi.
6 Ceiling Cat maded a plant gro, an teh shaed maded Jonah happi.
7 But teh nekst mornin Ceiling Cat sended a worm an it eated teh plant.

8 An Ceiling Cat maded teh sun shien so briet dat Jonah wantd to die agin.
9 Ceiling Cat wuz liek "Why for u iz mad about teh plant?" Jonah wuz liek "STFU, dat plant wuz makin me happi, u suk."
10 Ceiling Cat wuz all "U caerz about teh plant evn tho u didint do ennithing for it an evn tho it wuz onli here for a dai.11 But teh citi of Niniveh haz lotz of peeplz n catz too. Shudnt I caer about it?"

Psalm 145

1 I will exAlt u, mah Ceiling Cat teh Pwn
2 Evry dai I will IM u , An fwd u fr evr An evr
3 Great iz teh CEILING CAT an most worthy of kibble; his pwn nowun can haz
4 One base will fwd ur email to anoner; dey will macro of ur pwn
5 They will post of teh phishee pwn of teh Ceiling Cat, An I will downld ur pr0nz
6 They will post of teh pwn of ur awzom pr0nz, An I will post of ur winz
7 They will partaay ur lots of joy n joyness, An joyly macro of ur pwn
8 Teh Cieling Cat iz grayshus An compa - compa - neet; slow to report an rich in Friend List
9 Teh Cieling Cat iz cool to evryon; he can haz neet on all he haz not eated
10 All u haz not eated will macro u, O Ceiling Cat; ur Friends will fwd u
11 They will post of teh winz of ur base, An email of ur pwn
12 so all minz can haz be on ur Friends List, An hang at ur base
13 Your base is not b bedlong'd by anyone else, An ur chrysanthemum livz thru all madeds.
(Teh Ceiling Cat iz fayfthul to all hiz threadz, An lovin to all he haz not eated)+
14 Teh Ceiling Cat b catchin all those who haz no toastback, An liftzes those who haz teh bluz
15 All eyez look to u, An u giv them der kibblez at noon
16 U open ur paw, and givz all kittehs der cheezburger when want.
17 Teh Ceiling Cat iz admin in all hiz forumz, An neet towardz all he haz not eated
18 Teh Ceiling Cat iz near to all who IM him, An all who email him in troof
19 He fulfeelz teh desires (not in that wai, perv) of dose who feerz him; he seez der IMz An unbanz dem
20 Teh Ceiling Cat b watchin' all dose who masturbate, but all teh meanies he will eated
21 My postz will chatspk in teh prayz of teh Ceiling Cat; Let evry spambot prayz hiz holy name; for evr an evr or until teh connection diez.
+Apochrypha = i think dis meenz iz extra.

Philippians 1: 21-30

21 Mai laif is 4 Jebus, so bein dead is ok cuz I will be with teh Jebus!
22 But if I is alaif, I can do moar wurk for teh Jebus.
23 I wants to be wit teh Ceiling Cat,
24 but since yu guyz r here I guess I wil stay 4 nao.
25 Teh reason I will stay alaif is so I can givez yu teh smartz and teh LOLz.
26 Wen I visit yu will be happy cuz I is doin Jebus wurk.

Laif Liek Yu is in Ceiling
27 Liv liek Jebus did so wen I c yu I kno yu is fallow him.
28 Not be fraid, teh bad kittehs will be pwnd, but teh Ceiling Cat will saf ur laifs.
29 Is okay sometiems laif is hard.
30 We wurk togehter, things be better soon, k?

Matthew 20: 1-16
Teh parable ov teh werkers in da vineyard

1 Hokai, teh ceiling iz liek a dood tat has a howse, who wakes up in teh earlee mornin
2 get kittehs 2 werk 4 himz. 2 and he sed "i only gonna give u penny LOLZ!!" and teh kittehs sez "hokai" and dey go do teh werk
3 "bout 9 in da mornin he went out an saw others standin in da marketplace doin nothin.
4 he told them, u also go an werk in mah vineyard, an im gonna pai u whatevr iz rite.
5 so they went. "he went out again bout noon an bout 3 in da afternoon an did teh same ting.
6 bout 5 in da afternoon he went out an findz still others standin around. He askd them, y has u been standin her all dai long doin nothin?
7 " cuz no wan has hird us, they anzwerd. "he sed 2 them, u also go an werk in mah vineyard.
8 "when evenin came, teh ownr ov teh vineyard sed 2 his supervisor, call teh werkers an pai them their wagez, beginnin wif teh last onez hird an goin on 2 teh furst.
9 "teh werkers hoo wuz hird bout 5 in da afternoon came an each receivd 1 penny.
10 so when dose came hoo wuz hird furst, they iz liek, "i can has moar?". But each wan ov them also receivd penny.
11 when they receivd it, they began 2 grumble against teh landownr.
12 thees doodz hoo wuz hird last werkd only wan hour, they sed, an u has made them equal 2 us hoo has borne teh burden ov teh werk an teh heat ov teh dai.
13 "but he anzwerd wan ov them, frend, i r not bean unfair 2 u. Didnt u agree 2 werk 4 denarius?
14 taek ur pai an go. I wants 2 giv teh wan hoo wuz hird last teh same as i gaev u.
15 doan i has teh rite 2 do wut i wants wif mah own money? Or r u envious cuz im generous?
16 "so teh last will be furst, an teh furst will be last."

Exodus 16: 1-15
Manna n Cheezburgrz

1 Teh hole j00 crew lef Elim n cumz 2 teh Desert o Sin, taht is between Elim n Sinai, on teh fifteenth day o teh 2nd munf after tehy had cum out o Egypt.
2 In teh desert teh hole cr00 startid flame war gainst Moses n Aaron.
3 Teh j00s sez 2 tehm, "t00 bad CEILING CAT din pwn us 2 deth in Egypt! Haz cheezburgrz in Egypt, but u bringed us wher no haz cheezburgrz. We is dyin 2 haz cheezburgr."

4 Tehn CEILING CAT sez 2 Moses, "Hakkkkh hakkkhh hakkk hhhhaqqqqqqq blehhhhh", for CEILING CAT did much gruming, and expelt furz and cheezburgrz frum hiz belly. He then sez "I throwz exter cheezburgrz 2 u frum ceiling." An' Moses sez, "gross--want nu cheezburgrz." An' CEILING CAT sez, "OK--Teh ppl are 2 go out each day n gather enuf Nu cheezburgrz 4 taht day. Iz test 2 c if tehy suck."
5 On teh 6th day tehy are 2 nuke teh cheezburgrz, n taht is 2 b twice as much as tehy scarf up on teh other days."

6 So Moses n Aaron sez 2 all teh j00s, "Tonite u wil no taht it were CEILING CAT who brung u out o Egypt,
7 n in teh morning u wil see teh awsomness o CEILING CAT, cuz him chekd out ur flame war gainst him. Who are we, taht u should flame us?"
8 Moses also sez, "U wil no taht it were CEILING CAT when him gives u beef paties n cheez 2 eat in teh evening n all teh bunz u want in teh morning, cuz him has chekd ur flame gainst him. Who are we? U are not flamin us, but CEILING CAT."

9 Tehn Moses tol Aaron, "Say 2 teh entire j00 cr00, 'Cum b4 CEILING CAT, 4 him red ur flam war n him not hapy kitteh.'"
10 While Aaron were talkin 2 teh hole j00 cr00, tehy lukd @ teh desert, n there waz teh awsomnes o CEILING CAT in a clowd. Wuz shapd like kitteh, srsly.
11 CEILING CAT was laik Moses,
12 "I herd teh flamin o teh j00s. Tell em, 'At twilight u can haz cheezburgr, n in teh morning u can haz bunz. Tehn u wil no taht I am CEILING CAT.'"

13 taht nite cheezburgrz covered teh camp, n in teh morning was a layer o dew in teh camp.
14 When teh dew were gon, lil flaks like frost on teh groun is on teh sand.
15 When teh j00s saw it, tehy sez, "Wut iz?" 4 tehy did not no wut it was.

Moses sez 2 them, "It is teh bunz CEILING CAT givz u.

Psalm 105

1 Oh hai! - giv Cieling Cat teh bg prrrrrrrrrrrrr; yel "Ceiling Cat?" rlly lowd: tel othr kittehs (mybe puppeez tu) whut him haz dided.
2 Maek teh noizy mew at him, mybe maek up teh fnny song tu, k?: tel bout teh tiem he maek teh gushy coem out frm frigratr an oter majik stuf him canz du.
3 Rll arown liek hiz naem iz yr ctnipz: beez hppy win yu lookz arown tu seez Cieling Cat.
4 Go arown teh hole howz liek yu crzy cuz yu no canz find favrit toyz -- yu lookz arown to seez Cieling Cat, an teh mussels uv him, tu (hintz: dOOd! lookz up! him iz prbly in cieling -- yu lookz fr whskerz uv him -- RITE NOW! -- all teh tiem -- SRSLY!)

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