Friday, September 26, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Twentieth Sunday after Pentecost

Twentieth Sunday after Pentecost
Ezekiel 18:1-4, 25-32
Psalm 25:1-9 (Ps. 25:6)
Philippians 2:1-13
Matthew 21:23-32
Semicontinuous series
Exodus 17:1-7
Psalm 78:1-4, 12-16 (Ps. 78:4)
Philippians 2:1-13
Matthew 21:23-32




Psalm 25
Here be of Davidz

1 ::hands ceiling cat a cookie::
2 I puts my stuff wiff u, k Ceiling Cat? don let me be pwned, an don let my enemies pwn me.
3 No an whos hope iz in u will evah be pwned, but dey will be put to shamez who are haterz wid no excuse.
4 Shows mz how toodoo it CEILING CAT lern me da wayz ofz duncle.
5 guide mz in da WURD and lern me, for you iz da CEILING CAT wha safeda me, caz aim contzin on ya from mornen to twelve.
6 dont fo get CEILING CAT, yourz groovay honey and suga, for tha ar fom of zda golden oldeez.
7 dont look atz my bads, o myz cars, butz at da bath tub we i am rinsdz dza badz outz da home indza wall de be for for yuo da man o CEILING CAT.

14 CEILING CAT confidez in themz who phe4r him; ee shewz them his harbls
15 My eyez ar evah on teh CEILING CAT, for only ee noz when I fwap.

Philippians 2: 1-13
Ceiling Cat jr. iz not teh selfish

1 Ifz bein wit teh Ceiling Cat maeks uz happee, an ifz uz feelz all warm and fzuzy cuz he wubs uz, an ifz uz spendz happee play tiemz wit deh Ceiling Cat, an ifz uz feelz all warm, fzuzy, nd poop toawrdz ohter cats,
2 Tehn uz can maekz mi happee by knot fyting wif ohter cats hoo ar freindz wif teh Ceiling Cat, an try two agrie wif eahc ohter, an wurkz twogehter an stuf. Srsly.
3 Dun bee selfihs, an dun luk in teh meeror and say, "Oh Hai! u iz best lukin wun aroun!" Inzted, luk at ohterz an say, "U iz wey mor awesum tahn mi. J00 r0x0rz."
4 Dun get teh catnipz jus fer urselfz, get sum fer everywunz.
5 U shud tihnk liek teh Baby Jeebus:
6 Hoo wuz teh saem as Ceiling Cat, yet nut robber, but deesidid knot to stey up dere
7 an maed himzelf jus liek uss, becumin not Ceiling Cat no mor:
8 Him wuz pretend lessr, nd obeyed thingz til deaf of cross.
9 So Ceiling Cat sez to him, "UZ AWESUM! lol" and callz him nice namez,
10 so dat wen we hears hiz nice namez, we bow at nee nd givez him all deh cheezburgerz, whether we findz dem in teh sky or on teh ground or in teh cavez,
11 and we all sez, "UZ AWESUM! UZ CEILING CAT JR! CEILING CAT ROX!"

Dey can see dat uz frienz wif Ceiling Cat
12 Uz all mai frienz, and Iz knoz uz alwayz gud kittehz, and uz not jus liek dat wen Iz around, but also when on vacashun. Go ahed wif wat uz startedz and stay frienz wif teh Ceiling Cat, but be afraidz cuz u kno him can pwn u.
13 Teh reazun u all gud kittehz is cuz Ceiling Cat maekz u gud kittehz.

Jeezus coms tuh grapz heepz an getz ahss
1 An den Jeezus got intuh Bethphage clos ta Jerusalem. Dey werz on a heepz ov salty grapz. Den hee sed go to too kitty jeezezes.
2 He dun toldzem. Goto dem hutz and fine some ass and a fillee; bring herz to me.
3 An if deez gize giv yuh guff. Yo meau. Baybee-Ceiling-Cat Jeebas wantz em. Hee wilz shutz up den.
4 It allz happenz lik hee sed. Lik hee haz seez duh fyoocher an sez so.

Dis Pararaable iz Two Kittehz Pararaable
28 Jebus sayed "A naiz hooman had two kittehz. Him sayz to first kitteh, 'good kitteh, yu goes outside nao.'
29 " 'DO NOT WANT! iz rainz,' teh kitteh sayz bak. But later is sunni so kitteh goes outside.
30 "Den hooman sayz other kitteh 'yu goes outside nao'. Dis kitteh says, 'okbai'. But dis kitteh don't goed outside, kitteh hides under bed.
31 "Which kitteh iz bestest kitteh?" is Jebus trix kwestshun. "wtf dis meanz?" disaiplz askd. Jebus sayed, "I sayz srsly, yu is all dum ass, da tax hoomanz, and Romens, and gud jewz, and bad jewz, and fat peepl, and Samariarntans and hookerz are goes up to ceiling before of yuz. srykthnxbai.
32 John showded yu to be good kitteh, and yuz did not want. Da tax hoomanz, and Romens, and gud jewz, and bad jewz, and fat peepl, and cheesemakers, and greeks hookerz dided. And even after yuz saw this, yu still dum ass, srsly.

Exodus 17:1-16
Water frum Roks

1 awl teh izrelites left teh sandbocks of bad, An tehy moovd arownd wehn Ceiling Cat say so. tehy mayd camp at Rephidim, but tehr no were water.
2 so teh peepls complaned too Moses An say "gives us waters!!!"
Moses say, "why y00 complane? is y00 giv Ceiling Cat pop quiz?"
3 but teh peepls wus reely therstee An tehy keeped complanes to Moses. tehy say "why u taked us owt of egypp? y00 wanna kill us An ar baybees An ar moocows from therstee?"
4 so Moses prayd to Ceiling Cat An say "wut i d00 wif teh peepls? tehy gonna frow roks at me soon!"
5 Ceiling Cat say to Moses "tayk sum izrelite leedrs An go in front of peepls. dont furget yor stik!
6 Iz gonna stan in frunt o y00 on a rok at Mount Sinai. hit teh rok wif teh stik, An waters come owt." So Moses did taht wehn teh izrelite leedrs wachd.
7 tehn taht playse wer calld Massah An Meribah cuz the izrelites complaned An gayv Ceiling Cat pop kwiz an akxed "is Ceiling Cat tehre?"

Go too War wif Amalekites!!1!
8 Amalekites caym An attakk izrelites at Rephidim!!1! teh Amalekites r not reely kites. tehy danjrus.
9 Moses say to Joshua "pik owt sum warryurs An armei d00ds to fite teh Amalekites tmorow. Iz gonna stan on teh hill ovr tehre wif my stik."
10 Joshua doed wut Moses say An he went to fite teh Amalekites. Moses An Aaron An Hur went to top of teh hill.
11 wehn Moses holded his arms up teh izrelites winned An wehn he put his arms down teh Amalekites winned.
12 Moseses arms gotted tired. so Aaron An Hur gayv him a big rok to sit on An tehy standed nex to him An holded up his arms til sun goed down.
13 so Joshua ttly winned over Amalekites.
14 tehn Ceiling Cat say to Moses, "write teh storei of teh win, so teh peepls rememer it frever. An say to Josh taht iz gonna destroy Amalekites."
15 Moses builded a altar An it had name "Ceiling Cat is my flag."
16 he say "hold up flag ov Ceiling Cat reely hi!! Ceiling Cat fite gainst Amalekites!!"

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2 comments:

  1. Oh goody! I've had my hit of Ceiling Cat for the next little while...

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOL! Thanks for the smile :)

    ReplyDelete

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