Friday, October 03, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Twenty-second Sunday after Pentecost

Twenty-second Sunday after Pentecost
Isaiah 25:1-9
Psalm 23 (Ps. 23:5)
Philippians 4:1-9
Matthew 22:1-14
Semicontinuous series
Exodus 32:1-14
Psalm 106:1-6, 19-23 (Ps. 106:4)
Philippians 4:1-9
Matthew 22:1-14

Psalm 23

1 Ceiling Cat iz mai sheprd (which is funni if u knowz teh joek about herdin catz LOL.)
He givz me evrithin I need.
2 He letz me sleeps in teh sunni spot
an haz liek nice waterz r ovar thar.
3 He makez mai soul happi
an maeks sure I go teh riet wai for him. Liek thru teh cat flap insted of out teh opin windo LOL.
4 I iz in teh valli of dogz, fearin no pooch,
bcz Ceiling Cat iz besied me rubbin' mah ears, an it maek me so kumfy.
5 He letz me sit at teh taebl evn when peepl who duzint liek me iz watchn.
He givz me a flea baff an so much gooshy fud it runz out of mai bowl LOL.
6 Niec things an luck wil chase me evrydai
an I wil liv in teh Ceiling Cats houz forevr.

Philippians 4:1-9

1 Hai mai kittehs dat ai luvs, mai sunbeamz! In dis way stai firm in teh Bigcat.
2 Plz Meowdia and Hissykey plai nice togethr.
3 All yuz kittehs, plz help dem. Deyz fot for de gospel wif me. An wif Cwement an other kittehs who will has cheezburger.
4 Purr for Bigcat. Allwais. Dont jus purr, jump!!11! (Srsly. But not too srsly.)
5 Show all kittehs yr gentle. Ceiling Cat comin soon.
6 Dont wory. Asks an thanks Ceiling Cat for stufs.
7 An de Ceiling Cat b chillin. An dis chillin will b lyk NO WAI to aneething that wanna hurt yr feelin and thinkin. Dem gonna stai in Jebus. Srsly.
8 Thinks on stufz dat makez yuz gud kittehs. Stuf dat peeps praizs yuz fors.
9 Wot ai tots yuz, an yuz seen in me, do dat. Den Chillin Ceilin Cat b wif yuz.

Matthew 22:1-14
Teh parable ov teh weddin banquet

1 jesus spoke 2 them again in parablez, sayin:
2 "teh kingdom ov heaven iz liek king hoo prepard weddin banquet 4 his son.
3 he sent his servants 2 dose hoo had been invitd 2 teh banquet 2 tell them 2 come, but they refusd 2 come.
4 "den he sent sum moar servants an sed, tell dose hoo has been invitd dat i has prepard mah dinnr: mah oxen an fattend kattle has been butcherd, an evrythin iz ready. Come 2 teh weddin banquet.
5 "but they paid no attenshun an went off—wan 2 his field, anothr 2 his busines.
6 teh rest seizd his servants, mistreatd them an killd them.
7 teh king wuz enragd. He sent his army an destroyd dose murderers an burnd their city.
8 "den he sed 2 his servants, teh weddin banquet iz ready, but dose i invitd did not deserve 2 come.
9 go 2 teh street corners an invite 2 teh banquet anyone u find.
10 so teh servants went out into teh streets an gatherd all teh peeps they cud find, teh bad as well as teh gud, an teh weddin hall wuz filld wif guests.
11 "but when teh king came in 2 c teh guests, he noticd man thar hoo wuz not wearin weddin clothez.
12 frend, he askd, how did u git in her without weddin clothez? Teh man wuz speechles.
13 "den teh king told teh attendants, tie him hand an foot, an throw him outside, into teh darknes, wer thar will be weepin an gnashin ov teeth.
14 "4 lotz da r invitd, but few r chosen."

Exodus 32:1-14
Teh Golden Calv

1 when teh peeps saw dat mosez wuz so long in comin down frum teh mountain, they gatherd around aaron an sed, "come, mak us godz [a] hoo will go before us. as 4 dis fellow mosez hoo brought us up out ov egypt, we doan knoe wut has happend 2 him."
2 aaron anzwerd them, "taek off da gold earrings dat ur wivez, ur sons an ur daughters r wearin, an brin them 2 me."
3 so all teh peeps took off their earrings an brought them 2 aaron.
4 he took wut they handd him an made it into an idol cast in da shape ov calf, dat bebeh moocow, fashionin it wif tool. den they sed, "thees r ur godz, [b] israel, hoo brought u up out ov egypt."
5 when aaron seed dis, he builted an altar in frunt ov teh calf an announcd, "2morrow thar will be festival 2 teh lord."
6 so teh next dai teh peeps rose early an sacrificd burnded offerinz an presentd fellowship offerings. den they sat down 2 eat an drink an got up 2 indulge in revelry.
7 den teh lord sed 2 mosez, "go down, cuz ur peeps, whom u brought up out ov egypt, has become corrupt.
8 they has been quick 2 turn away frum wut i commandd them an has made themselvez an idle cast in da shape ov calf. they has bowd down 2 it an sacrificd 2 it an has sed, thees r ur godz, israel, hoo brought u up out ov egypt.
9 "i has seen thees peeps," teh lord sed 2 mosez, "an they r stiff-neckd peeps.
10 nao leef me alone so dat mah angr cud burn against them an dat i cud pwn them. den im gonna mak u into great nashun."
11 but mosez sought teh favor ov teh lord his ceilin cat. "lord," he sed, "y shud ur angr burn against ur peeps, whom u brung out ov egypt wif great powr an mighty hand?
12 y shud teh egyptianz say, it wuz wif evil intent dat he brought them out, 2 kill them in da mountains an 2 wipe them off da face ov teh earth? turn frum ur fierce angr; relent an do not brin disastr on ur peeps.
13 remembr ur servants abraham, isaac an israel, 2 whom u swore by ur own self: im gonna mak ur descendants as numerous as teh stars in da sky an im gonna giv ur descendants all dis land i promisd them, an it will be their inheritance furevr."
14 den teh lord relentd an did not brin on his peeps teh disastr he had threatend.

Psalm 106

1 Teh kittehs will rub Ceiling Catsz tummsy cuz yu gaev us dem cheezburgers.
2 I rubbded it liek alot but snot enuf cuz I haev so many cheezburgers.
3 Yu gaev teh cheezburgers 2 teh kittehs who dunnot rok the monorail.
4 I sez teh gud wurdz bout yu, so keepses me outta teh waterz.
5 I wantz 2 b a part of teh Kitteh Drum Circel (UR Kitteh Drum Circel) that bongoes ur prayzes.
6 Butt we bongoed liek hedun lolruses b4.
7 Butt we had no bongoes cuz we wuz in Ejupt. We still spaked smack bout yu in the red waterz.
8 Butt yu wax liek "Iams Ceiling Cat n ths iz how I do!"
9 N yu spaked 2 the waterz (heebroo kitteh thoht u waz crazzors), n it dried up n evrbdy yoosed teh sand liek kitteh littah.
10 Yu saevd us!
11 Yu killde them!
12 We bongoed agin!
13 We stopped bongooeinging!
14 We wuz hungy 4 more cheezburgers!
15 Yu gaev us more cheezburgers! N kitteh HIV! N we deid!
16 Evrbdy h8ed Mosescat n Aaroncat...
17 Dathancat and Abiramcat wur liek INVISIBLE REBELLION! and nobdy sawd cuz yu killde them.

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