Saturday, October 11, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Twenty-first Sunday after Pentecost

Twenty-first Sunday after Pentecost
Isaiah 5:1-7
Psalm 80:7-15 (Ps. 80:14)
Philippians 3:4b-14
Matthew 21:33-46
Semicontinuous series
Exodus 20:1-4, 7-9, 12-20
Psalm 19 (Ps. 19:8)
Philippians 3:4b-14
Matthew 21:33-46

OMG!!1! I post last week's readings this week and this week's readings last week!! My apologies to the hundreds of fans of the weekly lectionary readings (yes, there are hundreds of you!). I was becoming sick and knew not what I had done. Thank you for forgiveness.

Isaiah 5: 1-7

1 O hai! Plz to be singing song fur mah bee-luved!
Dis song abaot mah luverz catnipz treez!
Mah bee-luved did haz catnipz farm
Dey wuz on srsly awesoem hill!

2 Nao, dis guy he be werkin hard to grow dat catnipz.
He maek da ground grate fur catnipz
He plant in dat ground sum awesoem catnipz
He even put a tall chaer der (all da bettar to watch catnipz!)
He wuz so exsaited fur da catnipz
But... wtf! Only wild catnipz growz nao! Dis NO GUD, srsly!!

3 "U lissen heer!" (sez Ceiling Cat)
"Kittehz uv Jerooselum
And lolcatz uv Joodah,
Plz to be tellin me abaotz mah catnipz farm!

4 "Wut else cud I haev dun fur deez catnipz?
I want da gud stuff! No wild catnipz!
Wai can I no haz gud catnipz?

5 "Furst, I sez wut I do wif dis catnipz farm.
I will dig up all deez bad catnipz,
Den I will kik at wall until it fallz.

6 "Den, I pee all over.
Dis farm be too stinkee! No can werk on it.
Weedz will grow, no catnipz!
Also, I tell claods not to rain. I can do dat."

7 Nao see, da catnipz farm of Ceiling Cat
Dat farm is da kitteh house,
And all dat catnipz, delishush catnipz,
dat is all u kittehz!
Ceiling Cat wantz gud kittehz,
But u kittehz is all bad!

Psalm 80

1 Heer us, shepurd of kittehs,
U hu leded Joseph liek herd of shepez;
U hu sitzed neks to teh cherubimimim, shiend on

2 Befur Ephraim, Benjamin an Manasseh.
Waek up, u strongz;
Com an saivz us!

3 Restoar us, Oh pwrful Ceiling Cat;
Maek ur fase shyn on us,
dat we can has savingz n cheezburgrz.

4 Oh hai, Ceiling Cat,
How longs u wil has smoldrin angryz
Aginst teh meows uv ur kittehs?

5 U has maided dem eets sad emo bredz;
U has maided dem drink sad emo watrz.

6 U can has maided us has problms wif teh kittehs neks dor,
An nao ar enuhmees mahkz us, srsly

7 Restoar us, Oh pwrful Ceiling Cat;
Maek ur fase shyn on us,
dat we can has savingz n cheezburgrz.

8 U bringed a vyn out ov Egypt;
U chaesd out teh othr nayshuns an putted it in a hol.

9 U cleerd teh urfs for it,
An it taekd ruut an filded teh hoel yard.

10 Teh mowntinz can has shayd,
Teh big treez can be cuvred wif it, tu.

11 It sentd out it bahwz to teh big watrz,
It has shuetz as far as teh skinyr watrz over der.

12 Why u has brokded its wals
So dat jus enibudy can has graepses?

13 Baorz frm teh foerst ravgez it
An teh amnals can eatdz it.

14 Ceiling Cat, coem bak!
Luk dwn from hole in ceiling and si!
Watch ovr dis vyn (masturbatin, LOL!),

15 Teh ruut ur riet hand can has plantd,
Teh babee u has raisd up fur urslf.

16 Ur vyn, it r cut dwn, it can be on fyr nao;
At ur rebuk ur peoplz dy, srsly!

17 Ur hand can sits on teh dood at ur riet hand (for hed scratchs tiem, yes?),
Teh sun of manz u can has raisd up fur urslf.

18 Den we wil not turnz awai frm u;
Halp us, an we wil sai ur naemz.

19 Restoar us, Oh pwrful Ceiling Cat;
Maek ur fase shyn on us,
dat we can has savingz n cheezburgrz.

Philippians 3:4-14

4 Iz konfidentent
5 Ate day, iz ah Joo.
6 Iz followded teh law n PWNed many church doodz, k? Srsly.
7 Iz thunk it mattererded, but Jebus wuz all liek "Nope, kthkbye".
8 Nuttin matterers wifout Jebus. Jebus iz more betteh den cheezeburgers. Jebus make cheezeburgers luk liek poo. Iz ken frow away all mai stufz so I ken knowz Jebus.
9 I wanna bee part of Jebus. Been Okeedokee wif Ceiling Cat doant com frum roolz. Itz cuz Iz beeleeves in Jebus. Itz frum Ceiling Cat. Iz getz it frum faif.
10 I wanna knoe Jebus betteh. I wanna knoe whut hovrded Jebus from def and knoe hiz hurtz.
11 Den Ceiling Cat will hovr me.

Neveh gonna gif yu up
12 Iz doant haz dat stufz. Iz notz purfecks, k? But Iz keep moovin to getz what Jebus wantz me to getz.
13 Kittehs, I knoed bout soem stufz, but I eated it. Iz onlie knoes bout da fewcher.
14 Ceiling Cat wants me to haz Cheezeburger. Jebus iz teh troo Cheezeburger.

Matthew 21
Jeezus coms tuh grapz heepz an getz ahss

1 An den Jeezus got intuh Bethphage clos ta Jerusalem. Dey werz on a heepz ov salty grapz. Den hee sed go to too kitty jeezezes.
2 He dun toldzem. Goto dem hutz and fine some ass and a fillee; bring herz to me.
3 An if deez gize giv yuh guff. Yo meau. Baybee-Ceiling-Cat Jeebas wantz em. Hee wilz shutz up den.
4 It allz happenz lik hee sed. Lik hee haz seez duh fyoocher an sez so.

Dis Pararaable iz Two Kittehz Pararaable
28 Jebus sayed "A naiz hooman had two kittehz. Him sayz to first kitteh, 'good kitteh, yu goes outside nao.'
29 " 'DO NOT WANT! iz rainz,' teh kitteh sayz bak. But later is sunni so kitteh goes outside.
30 "Den hooman sayz other kitteh 'yu goes outside nao'. Dis kitteh says, 'okbai'. But dis kitteh don't goed outside, kitteh hides under bed.
31 "Which kitteh iz bestest kitteh?" is Jebus trix kwestshun. "wtf dis meanz?" disaiplz askd. Jebus sayed, "I sayz srsly, yu is all dum ass, da tax hoomanz, and Romens, and gud jewz, and bad jewz, and fat peepl, and Samariarntans and hookerz are goes up to ceiling before of yuz. srykthnxbai.
32 John showded yu to be good kitteh, and yuz did not want. Da tax hoomanz, and Romens, and gud jewz, and bad jewz, and fat peepl, and cheesemakers, and greeks hookerz dided. And even after yuz saw this, yu still dum ass, srsly.

Exodus 20
Noo Roolz - Teh Ten Commanders
U can haz.

1 Then Ceiling Cat spoked all them werds:

2 I iz Ceiling Cat An I iz Top Cat, An I broughted u out of hawt lend wit no cheezbrgrs for hard werk at all

3 No can has other ceiling cat!! U gotz other Ceiling Cat, I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes.

4 If u try be Ceiling Cat of any of mai creayshunz up in floaty skai, down in erth or in watr or I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes.
5 If u think faek Ceiling Cat iz Ceiling Cat, I mek u ded An ur kittens ded An if yur kittenz have kittenz, dey be ded too, for being stupid.
6 If not I wuv u An all ur lotz uf kittenz!

7 U sez Ceiling Cat bad, I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes, cuz I dun liek it. Srsly.

8 Remembur caturday An keep holy.
9 U werk 6 dais An finish werk, K?
10 Caturday, u no werk. U An all ur peepz go wrship me. And, if yu beez gudd, I maks it so yu can stays home and do alla stuffs yu wanted tu doos.
11 I maded heavenz An erth An see An the stuff that does teh funney hoppey stuffz in An on it - so I make it holy cuz I no werk.

12 Bez u good to papa An mama so u has long lief.

13 U no maek peepz ded! Srsly!

14 U no maek sexxes wit other gurlz or menz than ur wief (so no awsum treesum alowed!).

15 U no taek stuffs for free if not getz for free.

16 U no tell bad stuff about ur neibor.

17 U no wantz neibor stuff! No wief, no gurlz, no menz, no animulz, NO BUKKITZ! DEY NOT UR BUKKITZ, K? dey da LOLrus' bukkits.

18 When peepz see mai great orkestr wit thundr An all cool speshul effects thei wur scardy wimps

19 Thei sed to Moses 'U goez speek to uz An we will listen; but Ceiling Cat will shoot us wit its lazer eyes!'

20 Moses LOL'd lotz, An a bit moar, for thei wuz such wimps, An sed 'Ceiling Cat no maek u ded; he just wantz to hav fun wit u gais An maek u scaredy cats so u obei him.'

21 But peepz wur still wimps An let Moses go ther to Ceiling Cat.

Ceiling Cat roolz for idles an alters
22 Ceiling Cat sez "Tellz them wimpies: 'U see I spoked to u from big ceilingz.
23 U no mek me of silvar or goldz.

24 U mek me altar of erth An gif me pwnz0rzed animulz ther An I gif u cheezburgr.
25 But u no maek me altar of bjutiful stonez. DO NOT WANT!
26 An u no use steps on altar or I can see ur penises. DO NOT WANT!"

Psalm 19

1 ok guyz so liek dat hole in ceiling makez me worship Ceiling Cat.
2 evry nite he iz liek come into hoal n watch me masturbate n stuffz.
3 He nevar talkz or makez noize
4 but I no he watchez n mebbe vidyo tapez. Hole in ceiling == Ceiling Cat'z home.
5 In moarning he iz liek "4 shayme" but lukz happy n e wai.
6 No lolcatz hied from hiz watchingz.
7 OK so wat Ceiling Cat sez goez. He iz alwais rite.
8 liek srsly alwaiz. u lissen u be happyz and den it can be hugz time.
9 Ceiling Cat alwaiz fair n stuffz. liek alwaiz bow 2 him.
10 Srsly! moar want Ceiling Cat commandzmentz than cookiez or cheezburgerz!
11 Dey makez me smartcat n I getz prezentz foar obaying liek at crissmus!
12 we all haz invizible errorz but Ceiling Cat fixez dem withowt voiding warranty. plz be mah geeksquad, Ceiling Cat!
13 n dun let meh bez evul on porpoise. den I beez purrrfect.
14 OK srsly Celing Cat! Plz luv me n givez meh cheezburgerz. kkthxbai

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