Saturday, October 18, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Twenty-third Sunday after Pentecost

Twenty-third Sunday after Pentecost
Isaiah 45:1-7
Psalm 96:1-9 (10-13) (Ps. 96:7)
1 Thessalonians 1:1-10
Matthew 22:15-22
Semicontinuous series
Exodus 33:12-23
Psalm 99 (Ps. 99:5)
1 Thessalonians 1:1-10
Matthew 22:15-22

Psalm 96

1 Ceiling cat want nyoo song, k? So all teh kittehs be sings to him.
2 So sings to Ceiling Cat an sez he ful of win. And speekz his win for daze an daze.
3 An tel uther kittehs he reel gud, k? His win wiv all kines of kittehs.
4 Cos Ceiling Cat is gud! An you say he gud, k? Haz moar scary and fierce than uther kittehs!
5 Ceiling Cat is only reel Ceiling Cat! An he maeks Ceiling.
6 All nice thingz be befoar him, an hiz haus be big an tuff.
7 Yoo be folowin Ceiling Cat kittehs, k? Yoo be sez, 'he haz a strong, an he haz a glory!'.
8 So yoo sez Ceiling Cat is OSSAM, k? Yoo maeks him cookie an not eatz it for when see him, k?
9 Be sayin nice things bout Ceiling Cat, an be 'Oh Noes! Ceiling Cat be fwightning!'.
10 An tel uther kittehs he in charge, k? Urf is heer now, an is stuck, liek kitteh stuck in sofa. Ceiling Cat sez 'Yoo iz gud kitteh' or 'Yoo is bad kitteh'.
11 An let the Ceiling an Urf haz a happy! Let waterz and lolruses maek noizes!
12 An let garden haz a happy, an fings in garden (exept doggiez), an trees an fings in trees.
13 An all be sings to Ceiling Cat, cos he be comes to sez 'GOOD KITTEH' or 'BAD KITTEH' to all kittehs in Urf.

1 Thessalonians 1: 1-10

1 The church of the Thessalonians, Ceiling Cat haz it. Paul and Silvanus and Timotheus sez to it: "Grace, you haz it. Peace you haz it. Ceiling Cat sez it."
2 We luvs Ceiling Cat for Invisible Wants!!!
3 We did remember you, and we did not forgetted it. Ceiling cat saw.
4 Ceiling Cat won election! Hooray!
5 Ceiling Cat not just speak, Invisible Cat speak too.
6 And ye loveded Ceiling Cat, but Invisible Cat hurted you (in good wayz).
7 Examples? U was it!
8 Ceiling Cat? U did shout it. Now can stop plz.
9 You did luvz Monorail Cat, but waz wrong. Ceiling Cat says O RLY? Now you do luvz Ceiling Cat.
10 And we waiting for Ceiling Cat to make babies from the Ceiling. And he maded a son, but we broked it, but it got fixed.

Matthew 22: 15-22
I Can Haz Taxes???

15 den teh fariseez went out an laid planz 2 trap him in his werdz.
16 they sent their disciplez 2 him along wif teh herodianz. "teachr," they sed, "we knoe dat u r man ov integrity an dat u teach teh wai ov ceilin cat in accordance wif teh truth. U arent swayd by others, cuz u pai no attenshun 2 hoo they r.
17 tell us den, wut iz ur opinion? Iz rite 2 pai teh imperial tax [a] 2 caesar or not?"
18 but jesus, knowin their evil intent, sed, "u hypocritez, y r u tryin 2 trap me?
19 show me teh coin usd 4 payin teh tax." they brought him denarius,
20 an he askd them, "whose image iz dis? An whose inscripshun?"
21 "caesars," they replid. Den he sed 2 them, "giv bak 2 caesar wut iz caesars, an 2 ceilin cat wut iz ceilin cats."
22 when they herd dis, they wuz amazd. So they left him an went away.

Exodus 33: 12-23
Mozes and Teh Glory of Teh Lord

12 mosez sed 2 teh lord, "u has been tellin me, lead thees peeps, but u has not let me knoe whom u will send wif me. u has sed, i knoe u by naym an u has findz favor wif me.
13 if u r pleezd wif me, teach me ur ways so i cud knoe u an continue 2 find favor wif u. remembr dat dis nashun iz ur peeps."
14 teh lord replid, "mah presence will go wif u, an im gonna giv u rest."
15 den mosez sed 2 him, "if ur presence doez not go wif us, do not send us up frum her.
16 how will anyone knoe dat u r pleezd wif me an wif ur peeps unles u go wif us? wut else will distinguish me an ur peeps frum all teh othr peeps on teh face ov teh earth?"
17 an teh lord sed 2 mosez, "im gonna do teh vry ting u has askd, cuz im pleezd wif u an i knoe u by naym."
18 den mosez sed, "nao show me ur glory."
19 an teh lord sed, "im gonna cause all mah goodnes 2 pas in frunt ov u, an im gonna proclaim mah naym, teh lord, in ur presence. im gonna has mercy on whom im gonna has mercy, an im gonna has compashun on whom im gonna has compashun.
20 but," he sed, "u cant c mah face, 4 no wan cud c me an liv."
21 den teh lord sed, "thar iz place near me wer u cud stand on rawk.
22 when mah glory pasez by, im gonna put u in cleft in da rawk an covr u wif mah hand til i has pasd by.
23 den im gonna remoov mah hand an u will c mah bak; but mah face must not be seen."

Psalm 99

1 Teh Ceilin Cat reigns,
Let teh nashuns tremble;
He sits on RLY RLY HUGE chair dat iz moar pimpd out than Pimp Mah Ride itself,
Let teh urf shaek.
2 Ceilin Cat PWNZ in da almighty land ov Zion;
He iz lovd an given Cheezburgers all ovar teh nashuns
3 Let them praize ur amazin PWN-ing Skillz—
He iz no n00b.
4 Ceilin Cat iz mighty, he LOVEZ justice, an Arbys—
U has establishd equity;
In Jacob U has dun
Wut iz jus an rite, an not n00b-ish.
5 Exalt teh lord R Ceilin Cat
Lay cheezburgers on teh table in frunt ov his highchair;
He iz no n00b.
6 Moses an Aaron wuz among Ceilin Cats kool doodz,
Samuel wuz among dose hoo bakd Ceilin Cat cooky;
They calld on teh Ceilin Cat 2 apologize 4 eatin teh cookiez
An he anzwerd them.
7 He spoke 2 them frum teh pillar ov cloud;
They kept his random knick knackz an teh decreez he gaev them.

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