Thursday, October 23, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Twenty-fourth Sunday after Pentecost

Twenty-fourth Sunday after Pentecost
Leviticus 19:1-2, 15-18
Psalm 1 (Ps. 1:2)
1 Thessalonians 2:1-8
Matthew 22:34-46
Semicontinuous series
Deuteronomy 34:1-12
Psalm 90:1-6, 13-17 (Ps. 90:16)
1 Thessalonians 2:1-8
Matthew 22:34-46

Leviticus 19: 1-18
Dees Other Laws

1 CEILING CAT sez to Moses
2 "Go sez to teh Israelis 'Be excellent cuz I'z CEILING CAT and I'z excellent.
3 Be goods to youz ma and pa, don't work on Caturday, I IS CEILING CAT.
4 Don't be makin fake gods, plzkthnx?
5 If u makes cheezburger offering to Ceiling Cat make it wifout onions.
6 U gots to eats it that day or teh next but after that u gots to throw it away cuz teh bunz gets soggy
7 And nobody wants soggy cheezburger. DO NOT WANT.
8 If sumbody does eats it, I not responsible, kthnx. Nobody gonna liek u if u eats soggy cheezburger.
9 An den when you has BBQ makes lots and lots of cheezburgers.
10 An no eats all teh Cheetos. Leaves sum for teh homeless kittehs and space alienz. I IZ CEILING CAT.
11 No be steelin'. No be lying. No fooling u fwends.
12 No swearing in teh name of Ceiling Cat. I IZ CEILING CAT.
13 No steelin u naybur's X-Box. An pay teh delivery guy.
14 No makin fun o teh deaf peeple or trippin blind peeple, be 'fraid o Ceiling Cat!
15 No makin fun o Judge Judy or Joe Brown cuz theyz good judges cuz they no take no crap.
16 No spreadin rumors even if Louie does has big harballs. No be puttin kittehs in danger. I IZ CEELING CAT.
17 No fiteing in teh back seat wif u brother an no ganging up on u sister.
18 No gettin back at peeples or makin drama. Free luvz to all! I IZ CEILING CAT.

Psalm 1

1 Blessid iz da feline
no walk in counsil of wickid,
no place paws in path of da sinnerz,
no sit and purr with da mockerz.

2 But hiz delightz in lawz of Ceiling Cat,
an ponderz much.

3 He lyke treez bai teh waterz,
dat yieldz teh good fr00tz.
Leef duzn't wither,
prosperz much.

4 Not so teh wickid,
dey like chaffz
pwnt by windz.

5 Derefor wickid doezn't standz in teh judgemint,
or sinnerz in assembly of teh rhytchus.

6 Ceiling cat watches over whey of teh rhytchus,
whey of wickid getz pwnt.

1 Thessalonians 2:1-8

1 Did kno kittehs that we didz not failz at yer place.
2 We didz get hurtz and callz namez in Philpi, but we tellz you about Ceiling Cat while you peltz eggs.
3 We luvz Ceiling Cat - no lies.
4 RLY, We tellz u not for u but for Ceiling Cat. [Ceiling Cat tests us.]
5 We is telling truth, and Ceiling Cat did see us.
6 We do not ask for ear-scratching cheezburger from you. We could ask for cheezburger
7 But we did not ask for cheezburger, like cat doesn't take cheezburger from kitteh.
8 We did luvz you loadz, and we did share livez.

Matthew 22: 34-46
Teh greatest commandment!

34 hearin dat jebus had silencd teh sadduceez, teh fariseez got togethr.
35 wan ov them, an expert in da law, testd him wif dis queshun:
36 "teachr, which iz teh greatest commandment in da law?"
37 jesus replid: " luv teh lord ur ceilin cat wif all ur hart an wif all ur soul an wif all ur mind. [c]
38 dis ar teh teh furst an greatest commandment.
39 an teh second iz liek it: luv ur neighbor as yourself. [d]
40 all teh law an teh profets hang on thees 2 commandments."

Whose son iz teh mesiah?
41 while teh fariseez wuz gatherd togethr, jebus askd them,
42 "wut do u finkz bout teh mesiah? Whose son iz he?" "teh son ov david," they replid.43 he sed 2 them, "how iz den dat david, speakin by teh spirit, calls him lord? 4 he sez,
44 " teh lord sed 2 mah lord: "sit at mah rite hand Til i put ur enemiez Undr ur feet." [e]
45 if den david calls him lord, how can he be his son?"
46 no wan cud say werd in reply, an frum dat dai on no wan dard 2 ask him any moar queshuns.

Ceiling Cat uses him lazr eyez to show Moses teh cookies

Deuteronomy 34:1-12

Moses be ded

1 Then the dood Moses climbed up up Mount Nebo liek it was a tree, cuz he climbed from the plains of Moab to the top of Pisgah, which is across from Jericho, just in case yur confused and stuff. There teh Ceiling Cat showed him teh whole territorah with him lazr eyes-- from Gilead and Dan,
2 all of Naphtali, the territorah of Ephraim and Manassah, all teh land of Judah as far as teh Western Sea,
3 teh Negav and teh whole region from teh valley of Jericho, teh City of Palms, as far as Zoar. And
4 Thenn teh Ceiling cat seds to him, "This is teh cookie ai made for Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob when ai seds, 'Ai will giev it to yor kittehs!' Ai hab made yu this cookie, but yu can not eated it.
5 And Moses, who was pwned by Ceiling Cat, wuz ded there in Moab, and Ceiling Cat was like, "See, ai told you, srsly."
6 Ceiling Cat covered him ovre with urfs in teh litterbox of Moab, in teh litterbox beside Beth Poer, but no litter scoop can find him. Srsly.
7 Moses wuz ten lives old when he wuz ded, yet he still had lazr eyes and could still pwn an unsuspecting kitteh.
8 The Chosen Kittehs were emokittehs and ate no cheezburgers or gushifud or cookies for thirteh days in the plains of Moab, until teh time for cheezburgers and gushifud and cookies returned and teh kittehs were emo no moar.
9 Now dat Moses wuz ded, Joshua son of Nun wuz filled with teh catuhtude, because Moses had lickz him with teh tung. So the Chosen Kittehs perked deir ears towards him and did what teh Ceiling Cat had told Moses.
10 Since then, no Seercat has sprung forth from teh Chosen Kittehs like Moses, upon which teh Ceiling Cat laid him lazr eyes,
11 who did all those plagues and stuff teh Ceiling Cat had him do in Egypt-- to Pharoah and to his kittehs and to his whole territorah!
12 For no kitteh has ever had all does powurz that Moses did in the site of the Chosen Kittehs!

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