Monday, November 17, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Twenty-seventh Sunday after Pentecost

Twenty-seventh Sunday after Pentecost

Zephaniah 1:7, 12-18
Psalm 90:1-8 (9-11) 12 (Ps. 90:12)
1 Thessalonians 5:1-11
Matthew 25:14-30
Semicontinuous series
Judges 4:1-7
Psalm 123 (Ps. 123:2)
1 Thessalonians 5:1-11
Matthew 25:14-30

Zephaniah 1: 7, 12-18

1 Ceiling cat telded Zephaniah stuffs. Dis was when Josiah (who was maded by Amon)was da kingz of Judah-land. I thawt u shud no dat Zephania was maded by King Hezekiah who was maded my Amaria who was maded by Gedaliah who was maded by Cushi. Sure iz lotz of "iahs" made by dat Cushi guy. Srsly.

12 An if yu fink Ceiling Cat not gud, him mayk yu ded.
13 yu will be made chaynj uddur kitteh's litrbockses."
14 Ceiling Cat coems faszt. Be gud oar no can has cheezburger.
15 it be not gud! no moar grasz an burds go hided so no can chays dem.
16 kittehs wit shrp clause get ded furst.
17 "An ai mayk bad kittehs fallz off cownter cuz dey no can C."
18 Den Ceiling Cat wul mayk fier to mayk ded awl bad kittehs. An teh Urfs no moar can has not gud kittehs.

1 Thessalonians 5:1-11

1 But of da timez n sezons, bruhterz, ya'll has no need fo me to be written.
2 For yerselvez no prfctly dat thee day o' tha Ceiling Cat comez as a puppi in tha nightness.
3 When peeps sez, "Peese n safenez", distrucshuns will comez on dem all of a suddens liek, as birthin' pains on a motha kitteh, and dey will not gets out, srlsy.
4 But yuz, bruhterz, are not in de darknesses, an' dis dai, wen it gets here, it noes shood surprize yu lieks a theef, or sneeks up on yuz, or nuthin'.
5 Yu all are kittehs of de lites, an' kittehs of de daitimez. We noes belongs to the nites an' noes to de darknesses, k?.
6 So den, we noes be liek otherz, who be sleepins, but we be, liek, alert an' has controwls of ourselvez.
7 'Coz de peeps who be sleepin', dey sleepin' at nites, an' de peeps who be gettin' drunk, an fallin' oveh, an' noes in control of demselvez, deys doin' dis at nites too.
8 But 'coz we belongs to de dai, we can has selfs-controwls, an' we can puts on faythes an' luvs as a protecshun on ours tummehs, an' we can has de howp of salvayshuns liek a invisible bike helmuts on our hedz.
9 For Ceiling Cat noes wants us to haz roths an' stuff, he wants we can haz salvayshuns 'coz of Happy Cat.
10 Happy Cat waz made ded for a few days, liek, den was made undead again, for uz kittehs, noes matter if we be awakes or be sleepins, an we can livez together with Happy Cat in deh Ceiling.
11 So, be tellin' each otherz yuz are good, an' be shoutin' praises at each otherz, an' build each otherz up, juz lieks yu be doin' nows, acshually.

Matthew 25:14-30
Teh Story of teh Monyz

14 It also wil be liek a CEO kitteh wif a big company goin on vacashun, who taeks all the monyz frum company and divideds it up and gav it all to the cleaning kittehs.
15 To one he gav $5 billionz monyz, to anuther he gav $2 billionz monyz, and to anuther gav $1 billion monyz, each basd on whut he thot tey cud do. Tehn he left.
16 Teh one wit $5 billonz went to stok brokerz and short-saled the Dow and crashed fiev companyz n gotz $10 billionz monyz.
17 Teh one wit $2 billionz also went to stok brokerz n short-saled NASDAQ and crashed 10 companyz and gotz $4 billonz monyz.
18 But teh cleaning kitteh who got $1 billionz moneyz divided the monyz into 10,000 $100,000 pilz and put the monyz in free cheking accounts wif no interest but backed by FDIC so he wudn't looz enny o teh monyz. It wud al be saef.
19 "Then teh CEO came bak from vacashun n asked teh cleaning kittehs, "I can has monyz?"
20 Teh cleaning kitteh what gotz teh $5 billionz brot teh other $5 billionz he got. 'Suh,' he sayd, 'You can has gav me $5 billionz monyz. I gotz liek $5 billionz mor! I crashed teh Dow, but u can has mor monyz!'
21 "Teh CEO sayd, 'O rly? No wai! Ur so awsum! U gud wit my monyz; so now I maekz you Viec Pressdent o Monyz for company! I so hapy, let's parteh!'
22 "Teh cleaning kitteh what gotz $2 billionz monyz cam next. 'Suh,' he sayd, 'You can has gave me $2 billionz monyz; I gotz liek $2 billionz mor!' I braekded NASDAQ, but you can has mor monyz!
23 "Teh CEO sayd, 'O rly? No wai! Ur so awsum! U gud wit my monyz; so now I maekz u Viec Pressdent o Saelz for company! I so hapy, let's parteh!'
24 "Then teh saef cleaning kitteh caem. 'Suh,' he sayd, 'I knowz you can be meanys sumtimes, takin mor than wat u startd wit, cheetin, and takin stuffs dat isn't urs.
25 So I gots scaerd n putted al ur monyz into saef accountz backed by teh guvmint. Look, I givz u bak ur allstuffs nao. U losteds nuffinz!'
26 "Teh CEO sayd, 'You meenyhead poopyface kitteh! So u knew tat I tak mor tan I start wit n cheets n taks wat isn't mien?
27 Then u shuld at leest hav put teh monyzs in CD to get teh compund interests n stufs!.
28 " 'Tak al his monyz n giv it to teh guy who gotz $10 billionz monyz nao.
29 For thoes what gots some wil get mor, n be rich n stuffs. Thoes who don't got nuffin wil have al their stuffs taken away from dem.
30 N trow that stoopid cleaning kitteh outside, where dere r no couches, no monyz, no cheezburgers and no bukkits-- jest waters sprayin al over him. Srsly.'

Judges 4
Deborah can has GURRRL POWA!!1!one!!!!!

1 An teh Israelites agen did wut teh Ceiling Cat thawt wus shabby, after Ehud wuz got deded.
2 An Ceiling Cat solded tem to teh Jabin king of Canaan, frum Hazor, whooz armie man wuz Sisera, frum Harosheth ware teh non-kittehs playd.
3 an teh kittehs of teh Israel mewed An seds "Halp Ceiling Cat!11!!!!1", cuz Jabin had alota SUVs An Panzers An stuffs An wuz alwais pwnzing der Israelites at kar raeces. An Jabin wud keep awn winnen fur liek 20 yeers an dat iz looong tiem too getz pwnz0rd fur LOL!!!!!!!!!11

1 Dere wuz dis laydee cawld Deborah An she wuz dis proffitess. She wuz kinda liek hippie cuz she liffd undur a palm tree en da hillz en Ephraim.
2 An she sitted dere cuz eet wuz a daet palm, nawt coconutt palm cuz sitteding unda a coconutt palm iz jus silly an yu getz hitted awn da hed.
3 An cuz Ceiling Cat seded dat Deborah can has smartz, der kittehs uv Israel wud go to her tree An axt her kwestions.
4 An she tolded dis d00d cawld Barak, kitteh uv Abinoam frum Kedesh, "Aint yoo serven uv Ceiling Cat cuz he sed yoo can has cheezburgr!!!!!1111! Taek ur hooj armee to Mownt Tabor!!1!!!! I maek bad gai general Sisera meatz yoos wif hiz Panzers An SUVs at der rivah, srsly. Den yoo pwnz heem."
5 Barak sed "Iz skarded. Wil yoo cum holdz mai paw? Iz no go if yoo no go."
6 An she sed "OMFG yoo ar a l00zer!!!!!11!!1 Iz go wif yoo butt cuz yoo iz skerded yoo no can has faymus fur killen Sisera."
7 An den Barak putted togever teh armee An dere wer liek 10 towsand uv dem an dey awl wen to teh mownten wif Deborah.

1 Wen Sisear herd dat Barak, kitteh uv Abinoam wuz cuming wit hooj armee to pwnz him, 2 he gotted awl hiz SUVs An Panzers An armee d00ds ta go too da rivur too fitez Barak. 3 An den Deborah tolded Barak "GOGOGO!!!one1!!!!! Ceiling Cat bee given yoo Sisera nao, srsly!!!!1!!1!!" An so Barak wented to pwnz Sisera.
4 An den Ceiling Cat caem An ttly pwnzd Sisera's armee. Sisera gotz heeps skarded An sed "kthxbai" an runned awai!!!!1! ROFL!!!!@!
5 Den Barak chaesd der Panzers An SUVs awl teh wai too Harosheth Haggoyim an den dey awl got deded1!11!! AWL UV DEM, SRSLY!!111!!!

Sisera iz skerdee cat, LOL!!1!
1 Nao Sisera had runned awai too hied inn teh tent uv dis laydee cawld Jael, hoo did HARBLS GOES WHERE??? wif Heber teh Kenite, cuz King Jabin An Heber wer BFFs.
2 Jael caem owt uv der tent an sed "Hav sum rests. Dun bee skerded." An Sisera hieded insyde An Jael givded him a blankie.
3 An he sed "I can has watters?" An she givded him sum milks.
4 Den he tolld her "Yoo be garding teh tent nao, k? Tells teh peeps I no iz heer."
5 An den Sisera went sleepz cuz he wuz reel tierd frum runnin awai an bein skerded. An den Jael, hoo did HARBLS GOES WHERE??? wif Heber teh Kenite, gotz a tent peg an hamma an hitz teh tent peg inno Sisera's hed an he got deded.
6 An den Barak caem runnin bai lukin fur Sisera An Jael sed "Oh Hai, yoo lukin fur dis gai? Cuz he deded nao, lol!!1!!!" An den Barak saw Sisera deded on der grownd wif teh tent peg sticken owt uv hiz hed. GROSS!!!!!

1 So on dat dai, Ceiling Cat maeded King Jabin of Canaan rly rly rly imbarass An teh Israelites ROFLMAOWTFBBQ at him!!! Srsly!!!1!!
2 An King Jabin wuz liek leetel bug fur teh Israelites unntill he gotz deded.

Psalm 123

1 I look at hole in ceiling.
2 Peoples need peoples and stuff so look at Ceiling Cat til is good 2 us.
3 Be excelnt 2 us cos teh others are not.
4 Bad people make fun of us.

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1 comment:

  1. Hahaha! That's a new take on the economic downturn...srsly.


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