Friday, November 21, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Christ the King Sunday

Ezekiel 34:11-16, 20-24
Psalm 95:1-7a (Ps. 95:7)
Ephesians 1:15-23
Matthew 25:31-46
Semicontinuous series
Ezekiel 34:11-16, 20-24
Psalm 100 (Ps. 100:3)
Ephesians 1:15-23
Matthew 25:31-46




Ezekiel 34:11-16, 20-24

11 An for dis is wut teh Sovrin lord sez: I mahself wil surch 4 mah sheepz an luuk after dem.
12 As a shepperd carez 4 his peepz wen he iz with dem so wil I luk aftur mah kittehs, srsly. Ah b reskewin dem frum weere dey wuz scatterd onna dark n clowdy dai.
13 Ah wil bring dem owt frm teh nashuns an kuntrees n I be bringgin tehm in2 dere own lnad, srsly. Ah wil giv dem teh sunni spots on teh mowntans ov Israel, in teh raveens n in evrywear.
14 I wil giv dem fluffi cusshuns n teh hi mowntans ov Israel wil be dere kumfy spots. Dey cn slepe dere in sunni spots n dey can has cheezburgrz on teh mowntainz ov Israel, srsly.
15 Ah maiself wil cair 4 mah shepz an let dem rest, declarez teh sovrain lord.
16 I wil surch 4 teh lost n00bs n leed dem back, srsly. I wil heel teh sikk n00bz an giv strngth 2 da week n00bz, but teh slick n strowng ah will pwn. Ah wil shepprd mah peepz wid justice, srsly.

20 An so dis ar whut teh Soverin lord sez to dem: Srsly, I wil judg tween teh leen shepp n teh fatti.
21 Cuz u shuv wid yo butt n yo shlderz an u pwn teh n00bs til u maik em run awai,
22 I wil sav mah peepz n tehy wil b saif, srsly. I wil judg tween wun sheepz an anuther.
23 I wil maik wun sheeprd, mai d00d Davd, n he wil cair 4 dem; he wil luk aftr tehm n b dere sheprd, srsly.
24 I ar Ceiling Cat n wil b dere top cat n mah d00d Davd wll b relly cool cat amung tehm. I teh lawd haz sez dis stuf, srsly.

Psalm 95:1-7a (Ps. 95:7)

1 Letz sing to Teh Ceiling Cat, und be shurz to singz real loud kay?
2 Spend Caturday with moar musicz lol.
3 Teh Ceiling Cat are amazing.
4 Teh Worldz be in hiz pawz, and he pwnz teh mountains lyke whoa.
5 Teh Ceiling Cat also pwnz teh seas, and he are make worldz.
6 Worship Teh Ceiling Cat.
7 Teh Ceiling Cat pwnz us all, for we bee sheepz lol.
8 If Teh Ceiling Cat says "Y HALLO THAR," don't turn your insidez to rockz like those at /b/.
9 For /b/ tried teh kitty powerz, even though Teh Ceiling Catz was like "Check dis shiiit out."
10 For OVER 9000! Years, Teh Ceiling Catz was angry at /b/, and said the hartz of /b/ kept runnin away, even without legz, and don't know teh kitteh wayz.
11 Teh Ceiling Cat got mad and said "THIS IS SPARTAAAA!" 40x, and kept them from resting.

Ephesians 1:15-23
Pauls Prayr 4 Teh Brainz

15 Evry1 is sayin how yu haev teh faeth nd yu luvs every1 lots,
16 nd it maeks me say THX 2 teh Ceiling Cat. I prey lots
17 nd ask teh Ceiling Cat to gives yu teh brainz to unnrstand teh Ceiling Cat.
18 Also I prey dat yu kno yu can has lots of hope nd cheezburgers liek all teh gud kittehs.
19 Also (I iz still preyin) yu shud kno Ceiling Cat is supr-strong nd has teh lazer eyes, but for teh gud. Dis is teh same wai
20 Ceiling Cat taked Jesus and maed him not dead, nd give him stuf.
21 Nao Jesus is biggr than teh presidnt nd teh kings nd all that- nd not jus nao, but alwayz.
22 Teh Jesus is in charge nao, says teh Ceiling Cat.
23 Jesus is liek teh cat, and teh church is his tail: iz imprtant, srsly.

Matthew 25:31-46
Teh Sheepz n teh Goatz

31 "Wen teh Jebus comez in hiz awesumness, n al teh angels wit 'im, he wil sit on 'is couch of teh ceilings awesumness.
32 All teh nashuns will be gatherd before him, an he will separate teh peeps wan frum anothr as sheferd separatez teh sheep frum teh goats.
33 he will put teh sheep on his rite an teh goats on his left.
34 "den teh king will say to dose on his rite, coem, yu hoo haz cheezburgrz from ceiling cat; taek ur kitteh toyz, teh kingdom prepard for yu since teh creashun ov teh urfs.
35 4 i wuz hungry an u openz canz and not drai fuds, i wuz thirsty an u gaev me some bowlz, i wuz strangr an yu were liek, "o hai,"
36 i had dirty furz an yu gaev me licks, i wuz sick an u rap pillz in ham, i scratch bathrum door an yu openz.
37 "den teh riteshus will say, Jebus, when did we c u hungry an gaev yu gushy fud, or thirsty an gaev yu milks?
38 when did we see yu strangr an says "o hai," or durty furz and lick yu?"
39 when did we know yu sick or stuck in bathroom and help yu?
40 "teh king will says, srsly, whatevr yu did teh other kittehs, evn lame kittehs, yu liek did to me.
41 "den he will say to dose on his left, leav, you NO CAN HAS CHEEZBURGRZ, into teh Sink of Alwayz Be Wet yu go, an say hai to basement kat and stinky birdcatz.
42 fer I has hunger an yu gave me dry fuds, i wuz thirsty an yu says "only got dry bowls,""
43 i wuz strangr an yu did not say hai, i has durty furz and you wer liek "go lick selfs," i wuz sick an stuck in bathrum and you wer liek, "whatever." Lamerz.
44 "they also will say, lord, when did we see yu hunger or thirsts or strangr or durty furz or sicks, an says, "NO CAN HAS help yu?"
45 "he will says, srsly, whatevr yu did not do for even lamer kittehs, yu did not do fur me.
46 "den they will go be wet with basement cat, but teh riteshus will be dry wif ceiling cat."


Psalm 100 (Ps. 100:3)

1 EVRYONE SAI YAY fr teh almity Ceiling Cat
2 Wurshop him wit teh happynez; giv him teh happy MEOWZ!
3 noe dat teh Ceiling cat is r god n he makes us n we r teh runtz0rz of t3h littaz
4 Be hapi wen he les us in ta his wurldz make him be hapi :) say YAY CEILING CAT YAY
5 Fer he iz gud nd luvs us nd he trusts uz nd stuff0rz



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