Friday, November 28, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the First Sunday of Advent

First Sunday of Advent
Isaiah 64:1-9
Ps. 80:1-7, 17-19
1 Corinthians 1:3-9
Mark 13:24-37

1 Oh, dat u wud rend teh heavens an come down, Dat teh mountains wud tremble before u!
2 As when fire sets twigs ablaze An causez watr 2 boil, Come down 2 mak ur naym known 2 ur enemiez An cause teh nashuns 2 quaek before u!
3 4 when u did awsum things dat we did not expect, U came down, an teh mountains trembld before u.
4 Since ancient tiems no wan has herd, No ear has perceivd, No eye has seen any ceilin cat besidez u, Hoo acts on behalf ov dose hoo wait 4 him.
5 U come 2 teh halp ov dose hoo gladly do rite, Hoo remembr ur ways. But when we continud 2 sin against them, U wuz angry. How den can we be savd?
6 All ov us has become liek wan hoo iz unclean, An all r righteous acts r liek filthy rags; We all shrivel up liek leaf, An liek teh wind r sins sweep us away.
7 No wan calls on ur naym Or strivez 2 lay hold ov u; 4 u has hidden ur face frum us An made us waste away cuz ov r sins.
8 Yet, o lord, u r r fathr. We r teh clay, u r teh pottr; We r all teh werk ov ur hand.
9 Do not be angry beyond measure, o lord; Do not remembr r sins forevr. Oh, look upon us, we pray, 4 we r all ur peeps.

1 Heer us, shepurd of kittehs,
U hu leded Joseph liek herd of shepez;
U hu sitzed neks to teh cherubimimim, shiend on

2 Befur Ephraim, Benjamin an Manasseh.
Waek up, u strongz;
Com an saivz us!

3 Restoar us, Oh pwrful Ceiling Cat;
Maek ur fase shyn on us,
dat we can has savingz n cheezburgrz.

4 Oh hai, Ceiling Cat,
How longs u wil has smoldrin angryz
Aginst teh meows uv ur kittehs?

5 U has maided dem eets sad emo bredz;
U has maided dem drink sad emo watrz.

6 U can has maided us has problms wif teh kittehs neks dor,
An nao ar enuhmees mahkz us, srsly

7 Restoar us, Oh pwrful Ceiling Cat;
Maek ur fase shyn on us,
dat we can has savingz n cheezburgrz.

8 U bringed a vyn out ov Egypt;
U chaesd out teh othr nayshuns an putted it in a hol.

9 U cleerd teh urfs for it,
An it taekd ruut an filded teh hoel yard.

10 Teh mowntinz can has shayd,
Teh big treez can be cuvred wif it, tu.

11 It sentd out it bahwz to teh big watrz,
It has shuetz as far as teh skinyr watrz over der.

12 Why u has brokded its wals
So dat jus enibudy can has graepses?

13 Baorz frm teh foerst ravgez it
An teh amnals can eatdz it.

14 Ceiling Cat, coem bak!
Luk dwn from hole in ceiling and si!
Watch ovr dis vyn (masturbatin, LOL!),

15 Teh ruut ur riet hand can has plantd,
Teh babee u has raisd up fur urslf.

16 Ur vyn, it r cut dwn, it can be on fyr nao;
At ur rebuk ur peoplz dy, srsly!

17 Ur hand can sits on teh dood at ur riet hand (for hed scratchs tiem, yes?),
Teh sun of manz u can has raisd up fur urslf.

18 Den we wil not turnz awai frm u;
Halp us, an we wil sai ur naemz.

19 Restoar us, Oh pwrful Ceiling Cat;
Maek ur fase shyn on us,
dat we can has savingz n cheezburgrz.

3 Cheezburgrz for all of youz.

Yay for Cheezburgrs!
4 I alwayz thx Ceiling Cat for you.
5 Ceiling Cat givz you all you needz
6 because you liek Jebus.
7 U haz all teh cheezburgz u needz while u waitz for Jebus to come down from teh ceiling.
8 Ceiling cat will givez you cheezeburgrz, so you no eated cookiez.
9 Ceiling Cat never forgetz! O yeah an he sez "Plz hang with mah boy Jebus kthnx."

24 In thoze days, after the skeery timez, the sun n moon r gonna go dark.
25 Starz r gonna fall n Heaven iz gonna shake.
26 Ur gonna see me in teh cloudz with great power n glory.
27 I'm gonna send mah angelz n gather my d00dz from the 4 windz n teh whole sky.
28 Learn from teh fig tree, when teh branch iz tender n putz out leaves, u know summer iz near.
29 When u see teh signz, u know itz gonna happen soon.
30 Srsly, this generashun iz not gonna pass til teh skeery stuff happenz.
31 Heaven n earth will pass away but not my wordz.
32 Nobody knowz when itz gonna happen, not u or u either. Not teh angelz or even me, just Ceiling Cat.
33 L00k out, watch n pray, cuz u dunno what time itz comin.
34 4 teh Son ov Man iz like a man who took a long trip, who left hiz house n left his servantz n charge, n every man 2 hiz work, n told hiz porter 2 watch.
35 So watch k, cuz u dunno when teh master ov teh house iz comin, at evenin or midnight or dawn or teh mornin.
36 U don' want him 2 find u sleepin, srsly.
37 I say 2 u and 2 everybody, watch.

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