Friday, December 12, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Third Sunday of Advent

Third Sunday of Advent
Isaiah 61:1-4, 8-11
Psalm 126
Luke 1:47-55
1 Thess. 5:16-24
John 1:6-8, 19-28

Isaiah 61:1-4, 8-11
Teh Yaer uf teh fayvor of Ceiling Cat

1 Invisible Ceiling Cat is in mah brainz, makin mah wurdz. Cuz he lurvs me, srsly. Him can has meh, so Iz can tell yu happeh shtuffz - liek cheezburgers to teh hongry, lurvs to dem dat can not haz lurvs, freedoms to teh kittehz in teh pound, Srsly. Oh, an openin of teh kitteh carriers.
2 To let teh kittehs knoah Ceiling Cat is in our Yaer, makin uz happeh. Teh dogz, dey will be pwned, an teh kittehs dat teh dogz not eateded, dey will be comfirteded.
3 For teh kittehz in Zion, dey will be pritteh, an not hav fur dat is wet an matted. Dey will has cheezburgers, an sai "ZOMG! Yaiz!", and no crai fur teh kittehs eateded by teh dogz. Dey shall sai to Ceiling Cat, "You pwnz0r", an not worreh. Dey will be big treez of awesum, an Ceiling Cat shall make them of win, so all kittehs will know that Ceilin Cat pwnz, srsly.
4 Teh kittehz will returnzes to teh sowfa, and to teh chairz, an shed on teh tings dat hav no kitteh haer. An kittehs will hav haers on tings whaer kittehs have not had haers for long time.

8 Cuz I iz Ceiling Cat, and Iz lurvs to givs gud tings to all. I hatz bukkit stealers. I will giv cheezburgerz alwaez, fur evah. Srsly.
9 Evrehboddy will knoah deys kittens, becauze dey will be maed of win and awsum. Cuz I sai so, and I am Ceiling Cat.
10 I can haz Ceiling Cat! ZOMG! He givded meh a kitteh collur of happeh. Liek 2 kittehz who lurvs each othurz.
11 Az teh urfs can haz plantz, and gaerdenz can haz flwrs ZOMG! In dat wai will Ceiling Cat give cheezburgerz to kittez, and make kittez to sai, "ZOMG, d00d!". Srsly.

Psalm 126
Sing sawng uv ascents

1 When teh Ceiling Cat bringz us bak to teh Lolmountain, we were lik kittehs who dreem.
2 Our moufs were lik filld wit cheezbugerz an stuffz. Srsy! We wuz happeh!
3 Teh Ceiling Cat roxorz us and we beez happeh!
4 Give us many cheezburgerz dat are ours!
5 Doz who give veggiez can reep cheezburgers.
6 Wen we go out cryen and stuffz wit cheezburger seeds, we comez bak wit lotz of happeh cheezburgers! Awsome!!

Luke 1:46-56
Mary's Song of Praise - the MagnifiCat (srsly)

46 Mary sed "Ceiling Cat is laik a big deal,
47 Mai I is happy about Ceiling Cat...
48 bcz he kepted me in maind an now evribodi knowz i can haz cheezburgr.
49 Thank u Ceiling Cat, u iz cool.
50 U iz niec to evribodi.
51 Xcept peeplz who doant dizrv it LOL.
52 U haz pwned teh r00lrz
whiel stil bein niec to teh n00bz.
53 U givd cookies to teh hungri
whiel u tolded teh rich "Niec trai."
54 U wuz niec to Israel
55 an to all Abraham's famili liek u promist."
56 Mary staied wif Elizabeth three munfz. Den she wented hoam.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-24

16 Hav happies always!!;
17 Do invisible talkin’ to Ceiling Cat, all de timez!!;
18 Say thnx all de timez, faw dis iz wot Ceiling Cat wants an’ Happy Cat too.
19 Do not axidentallee do number ones on HovrCat’s fire an’ puts it out, dis wuld be bad;
20 Do not be sayin’ professees is stoopid;
21 Check everyfingz out; Keep de cheezburgers that yu getz given.
22 No goes neer eevils, k?
23 May Ceiling Cat hisselfs, Kitteh of peese, sanctify you frew an’ frew. May yur spiritz an’ sole an’ bodee be kept naise an’ cleen inside at de comingz of Happy Cat.
24 The one who callz yu iz faythefull an’ he will be doin’ wot he sez he will.

John 1:6-8, 19-28

6 And teh Ceiling Cat haz dis otehr man; his naem iz John.
7 He tellz teh ppl dat teh lites is tehre, so dat teh doodz mite bleev"
8 Him wuz not teh lite; he jsut sez teh lites is tehre.

John teh Baptist Sez "I Iz Not teh Chozen Won!! No Wai!!11!!!1!!1!!
19 Dese are teh meows sez by John when da religulous autoritahs in Jerusalem sent Levites and Pretchers to ax "OMG! Who r u?"
20 John says "Me no lyer, not teh Chozen1, Ceiling Cats kitteh"
21 They asked him, "Who R u? R u Elikhat?"
He said, "Omg no!"
"R u teh Profitz?"
He sez, "WTF? Omg, No!"
22 Tehn they wuz, "LOL, so hoo ar you?"
23 John got all liek profitz Isaiah LOL srsly, "O hai I am liek gai meowing from teh littr box, 'Strayten up for Ceiling Cat but DO NOT USE vacuum!!!!1!' "
24 Pharisees sez,25 "Oh hai wai you washt ppl if no Chozen1 or profit? NO LIKE WET FURZ!!1!"
26 John sez "Ai washt wit water (WTF???). But among yoos is kitteh u not no,27 Him folowz me, an ai no allowd to play wit hes shooz."
28 Wuz at Bethany cross water wher John wuz washiz.

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3 comments:

  1. Righto, I don't have to go to church tomorrow. I've read the lessons. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  2. G'day from Australia - I came here from Sandy Carlson's blog.

    The Bible was a huge part of my childhood.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I look forward to seeing what the Bible brings each week. Have a wonderful week.

    ReplyDelete

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