Monday, January 19, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Second Sunday of Epiphany

Second Sunday of Epiphany
1 Samuel 3.1–10 [11–20]
Psalm 139.1–5, 12–18 [or 139.1–9]
1 Corinthians 6:12-20 or Revelation 5.1–10
John 1.43–end

Sorry iz late! No innernets at home yet!

1 Samuel 3
Ceiling Cat sez stuff to Samuel

1 Teh kidz Samuel lieks teh Ceiling Cat and makes him teh cookies wif Eli they r teh frenz. Teh Ceiling Cat sez no stuffs no moar to teh ppl and tehy no sees teh stuffs no moar of teh Ceiling cat.
2 So liek Eli no sees teh stuffs and he iz lied down.
3 Tehy no turnz off teh litez and Samuel iz in teh Ceiling Cats places.
4 And teh Ceiling Cat sez "Hay Samuel." And Samuel sez "Oh hai!"
5 And he wents to Eli and sez "Oh hai, u sez sumthing?" and Eli sez "Do not want. u sleepz now, k?" and Samuel sez "k."
6 And teh Ceiling Cat sez "Hay Samuel." And Samuel wents to Eli and sez "Oh hai, is can be hugz tiem now plz?" and Eli sez "Stil do not want. u sleepz now, srsly."
7 Samuel is liek, "Eli? Wtf?" becuz teh Ceiling Cat sez no stuffs to Samuel an he has no heard teh Ceiling Cat befor.
8 Teh Ceiling Cat sez teh thrid tiems "hay," and Samuel sez to Eli, "Srsly, wtf?" and Eli sez, "Oh, iz teh Ceiling Cat!"
9 And Eli sez, "K, u sleepz naow, and ifs teh Ceiling Cat sez stuffs gen, u sez, 'Hai.'" So Samuel iz lied down, k?
10 And teh Ceiling Cat sez wun moar tiem, "Hay Samuel" and Samuel sez "Oh hai Ceiling Cat."
11 Teh Ceiling Cat sez, "Naow I sez sumthing teh ppl no lieks.
12 Dis Eli, I dun liek him no moar, and I alwaes sez I dun liek hims familyz.
13 I goin taeks dis Eli and den I goin eates him becuz his kidz r noobs and he iz stoopid too.
14 Iz no gud. Eli no kin taeks teh animulz and killz tehm to maeks it bettr no moar."
15 Den Samuel sit in hiz bed til morning. Den he openz doorz of da hous but him no want tell Eli of da stuffs dat Ceiling Cat sayz him.
16 But Eli no lieks dis plan and he sayz, "Hai, Samuel mai son," and Samuel sayz, "Oh, hai."
17 "Tellz me what sayz Ceiling Cat. If u hidez nething, I tellz Ceiling Cat ta smitez u, oklol
18 So Samuelz liek, "Okai," and den he tellz.
19 Den Samuel groz frum kitteh to big cat, and Ceiling Cat keep hiz wordz frum fallin on da ground. He musta eated or caughted dem or sumthin.
20 Becauz of dis, all ta peoplez frum Dan to Beersheba knowz dat Samuel speakz for Ceiling Cat.
21 From dat tiem on, Ceiling Cat showz himselfs to Samuel all the tiem.

Psalm 139

1 O hay, Ceiling Cat, You knows me rly gud right?
2 You knows when I sits, and when I is dun sittin'. You is liek a psychic, but not one o teh fake psychics. You dun readed my mind.
3 When I goes out mah kitteh door, and when I lays down in mah basket, You knowed it. I looked up 1 tiem and sawed you watchin me do somefin embarsing, but You still likeses me!
4 B4 I meows, You dun already knowed what I is gonna meow (but I meow anywai).
5 You tucks me into mai basket and gives me pets on mai hed.
6 Is 2 wunderful to knows, mai brainz not big nuff.
7 Where can I be hided frum U? U is everywhere.
8 When I goes in teh ceiling, I see U. I was sleepin in da basement 1 tiem and U dere 2.
9 If I had birdie wings and flewed me morningtimes 2 other side of teh neighbrs pool and hided reel gud in teh bushes,
10 You'd still finded me and give me hug tiems.
11 I dun thinked "I is sooper sneeky, and is invisible ninja kitteh at nite! Plus I knockded over teh tabl lamp 4 moar darks."
12 But You's got teh glowy kitteh eyes and can sees me when it's dark!
13 You dun made mai kittiness, and putted me in mah momma's tummy.
14 You dun a good job, I is teh awesome! Sos other stuffs U maked, I knows.
15 Mai bones, You dun seed them bein made. S'posed to be sekrit, but not 2 U.
16 Ur glowin kitteh eyes dun sawed me fore I was me. An U have big word book wit all mah pwnages and exploytes and stuffs writ down. Even ones I din't do yets!
17 When U thinks things, that thinkin's rly kewl. An You gots moar thotts than other peeples cause yur rly kewl.
18 You gots so many thoughtses, moar than anythin. Moar than mai litter box has gots sandses, which is alot. I wakeses up (in mai basket, not in mai littrbox) an U r there.
19 O hay Ceiling Cat, y dont U pwn moar bad guise? Teh baddies, dont want!
20 Theys all liek "Celling Kat U R noob! All your bases are belong to us!" an they's spelted Ur name wrong an stuff!
21 I hates them.
22 I rly rly rly hates them.
23 I is moar better then them! I thinks... Can U check?
24 Sos we'll know 4 sure, U should check, an if Im doin bad, U call "Here teh kitty kitty", k? So's I can come live wit U 4-evah.

1 Corinthians 6: 12-20
Seckx haz rools too!

12 Evrithing is allowded, but not evrithing is good for me. Evrithing is allowded, but nothing will mastr me.
13 "Cookies for teh tummi, n teh tummi for cookies" - but Ceiling Cat will destroi bofe of dem. Teh bodi iz for Ceiling Cat, n Ceiling Cat for teh bodi.
14 Ceiling Cat makeded teh ded liv, n he wil do us too.
15 If u thinkz about it, ur bodiez is liek Christ's armz an legz. What if I taeks Christ's armz n legz n putz dem togethr wif a h00kr? Liek Frankenhookr? DO NOT WANT!
16 If u iz wif a hookr, u is joinded wif her bodi. Liek it sez, "Teh two wil becom wun bodi." Creepi.
17 So be wun wif Ceiling Cat instedz.

18 Don't do teh badz harblez. Othr bad thingz iz bad enufz but dey iz outsied teh bodi. Bad harblez duz rong to ur bodi.
19 Teh Hovr Cat iz in u, makin ur Ceiling Cat's tempul. U belongz to Ceiling Cat
20 bcz he boughted u. So treet ur bodi riet for him.

Revelation 5: 1-10
Teh old-fasshun book-scroll an teh babi lamb

1 Then teh orange statchoo dood on teh fancy heaven chair has a paperz wif riting all over an 7 cookiez on it.
2 An a leet kitteh yelled "Who can be eatin mah cookiez an be reedin teh majik paperz wif all teh riting?"
3 But nobuddy anywheer can has teh paperz.
4 So I cried.
5 Then wun of teh old doodz sez: "Hei! No cryin'! Happycat pwns. He can eat teh 7 cookiez an has teh majik paperz!"
6 Then I seed a itty-bitty baby Lamb, lookin real dead. But it wuz standin on the fancy heaven chair an teh 4 aminulz and teh old doodz wuz around it. Teh itty-bitty baby Lamb has 7 hornz and 7 eyeses, which r also teh 7 kittehs of teh Ceiling Cat. (Liek teh 7 bukkits, member?)
7 Teh itty-bitty dead baby Lamb stoled teh majik paperz from teh orange statchoo dood.
8 When teh Lamb tooked teh paperz, all teh aminulz an all teh old doodz fell down again. An they all has harps an bowls of smelly stuff.
9 An all tehm tings singed a new song:
"Yr so leet. You tooked teh paperz
an can eatz teh cookies
Cuz teh bad doodz killded you
An you saved everbuddy everwherr
wif yr blood."
10 "You made everwun so leet they can hang wif teh Ceiling Cat,
an totally pwn everting. Yr so awsum thx."

John 1: 43-end
Happy Cat sez Oh Hai Philip an Nathanael

43 Happy Cat wan go Galilee. Sez to Philip Yu coem too.
44 Philip was from Bethsaida tu.
45 Philip tolded Nathanael "Oh hai we found the gai Moses an profitz were sayin, iz Happy Cat frm Nazareth."
46 Nathanael sez "Nazareth! nutting good from there!" ROFL PWNED!!!1!!1
47 Happy Cat seed Nathanael sez "Oh hai you good kitteh. GOOD KITTEH!"
48 Nathanael wuz "You no me? WTF??!?"49 Happy Cat sed "I seed you."
49 So Nathanael sayed "You teechr is good kitteh. Ceiling Catz kitteh. Bosscat."
50 Happy Cat sez "ROFL! you sawed nuthin yet.
51 Just waet, I gotz teh MAD PWNZOR SKEELZ!!!1!!1"

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