Saturday, January 31, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Fourth Sunday of Epiphany

Fourth Sunday of Epiphany
Deuteronomy 18.15–20
Psalm 111
1 Corinthians 8:1-13 or Revelation 12.1–5a
Mark 1.21–28

Deuteronomy 18: 15-20

15 Den, if you iz really, really gud, teh Ceiling Cat will raise up his prophet, lookin a bit liek me only not quite sososo handzome,
16 an all u unwurthies wanted in Horeb, when youse said 'lord o lord i doan wan' see fier no maw'.
17 Ceiling Cat waz much teh happycat bout thiz.
18 I will breathe mi commands in hiz gobhole and he will be mi puppet boy.
19 An you betta obeys him, or i cals yuse ups on ma mobiel an tel yuse to open a checkin acount! Or sumfin.
20 Other profets is is bad tho, very bad. It'z so liek OMG WTF I IZ CEILING CAT AN I DIDZ NOT SAY THAT!?!

Psalm 111

1 Praize teh Ceiling Cat! iz gunna say gud stuff abowt Ceiling Cat in da police stashun and teh mayors office.
2 Ceiling Cat haz made some really awsum stuffs, peepls cumz frum all ovah just to gawk at dem.
3 Everyting He duz is awsum, and He's good forevah.
4 You can't ferget all his awsumness, Ceiling Cat always shares his cookies.
5 He gives cheezburgerz to peeps who respekt him, he keeps his dealz.
6 Everybodee can see just how l33t he is, he fourcloses a guys houze and gives it to his peepz.
7 He always goes around doin good,and his rulez r00l.
8 Even the r00lin rulez are make in a r00lin style.
9 He bailed out his peepz, he keeps his promises forevah.
10 Gettin smart starts wit respekt fer Ceiling Cat, followin his r00lz makes u smart. Props to him forevah!

1 Corinthians 8:1-13
Cookies Plaicd B4 Idles

1 Now letz talk about cookies dat peepl givz idolz. Idolz dunt eat LOL. Enniwai we all knowz stuffz. Knowing stuffz maeks u stuck up. Love maeks u liftid up.
2 If u thinkz u know sumthingz u doant.
3 But if u luvz Ceiling Cat, he luvz u too.
4 So back to teh idolz.
5 Sum peepl sez dere are lotz of godz.
6 Not for us tho. We jus haz Ceiling Cat.
7 But not evriwun knows dat yet. Sum peeple freek about cookies dat wuz givn to idolz.
8 But cookiez maek no differns to Ceiling Cat. Eat, dont eat, duzint matter.
9 But be caerful not to confuz peeplz.
10 Liek if sumwun who duzint know seez u eated teh idolz' cookiez, dey miet get teh rong ideaz.
11 N den dey getz destroid bcz of u.
12 Dat maeks Jesus sad.
13 So if eatin cookies maeks sumwun get losted, I woant eated dem. Itz not bcz cookiez is bad itz bcz I doant want no wun gettin losted.

Revelation 12.1–5a
Teh female kitteh an teh eevl puppeh

1 And there wuz a great wunder in teh Ceiling; a brite, shiny prettyz like teh sun, and teh nite sun shonez beneth this; and abuv tis thingz wuz a crown of shinyz starz:
2 And these thingz wuz a prehgnent kitteh, which mewed cuz it hurted, and teh bebe kitteh wuld not come out.
3 And there wuz another thingz in teh Ceiling; and tis thingz wuz scary, like an evil puppeh that barked cuz he wuz angry
4 And tis evil puppeh wagged hiz tale and drew teh starz from teh Ceiling and did casted tem to teh erf. And teh evul puppeh stooded in front uf teh prehgnent kitteh wich wuz reddy to haf teh bebe kitteh, so he culd eated it.
5 And teh bebe kitteh wuz a male kitteh, who wuld rulez teh erf and all itz nationz wit an iron paw: and tis kitteh was caught up to teh Ceiling, next to teh Ceiling Cat.

Mark 1:21-28
Dood with teh dirtiez in he spirtz0rz

21 An tehy all go to Capernaum an He went 2 teh jooish chrch n spokeded to teh kittehs thar.
22 An tehy wer all liek, "wtf this d00dz sez?" Cuz He was all like "Hai! Lissn up in hur!
23 Then there waz thiz dood with dirtiez in he spirtz0rz.
24 n he yellded, "O hai, wtf haz u to do with us, teh demon folk? Iz u com to pwn us? I know hoo yuz iz, 1337 One ov teh Ceiling Cat."
25 But Happy Cat gotz madz n sed, "Shut up n ecksit teh kitteh!"
26 Teh demon got pwnd! lol!
27 All teh kittehs in teh jooish chrch azkeded eech otter, "wtf? new teechinz-with athoritah! He ev3n commandz teh dirtiez spirtz0rz, n tehy listenz. OMFG!!!1"
28 Happy Cat got sup3r p0pularz n faemus allz ov3r Galilee. kthxbye!

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