Saturday, February 14, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Sixth Sunday of Epiphany

Sixth Sunday of Epiphany
2 Kings 2.1-12
Psalm 50.1-6
2 Corinthians 4.3-6
Mark 9.2-9

2 Kings 2.1-12
Eljia Tha Robot Goes To Heaven

1 Omg so Ceiling Cat waz bout 2 take da robot in2 heaven rite? but not his pal! n his pal neva nooo tht he was goin 2 heavn by a tornado btw. so da robot n his pal were wokin
2 Da robot sed 2 his pal "plz stay here cuz Ceiling Cat wnts me 2 go 2 burger king, n its a long walk!" but his pal sed "no i wanna cum wiv u cos i wanna chikhen sammich n ull 4get" so they went 2 burger king
3 N da ppl who waz serving dem sed to da robot "do u no tht Ceiling Cat iz gnna take u 2 heaven but not ur pal???" n da he sed "yeh i no but dnt tell me!!!"
4 So den after he finshs tokin he tells his pal "plz stay here cos Ceiling Cat wnts me 2 go 2 mcdonalds cos dey dnt sell mcflurrys ere." but he seys "no im cumin wiv u" so they go ova 2 mcdonalds
5 So da guy who was servin da robot seys "do u no tht Ceiling Cat is takin u 2 heven but not u?" n da pal seys "yes but shutttup dnt remind me!!"
6 Den da robot seys 2 his pal "stay ere im goin to kfc, Ceiling Cat wants me 2" n da pal seys "no im cumin wiv u!!" so they went 2 kfc
7 Thy were almost dere but ther waz a huuuuge puddl in da way in da carpark so evey1 insyde kfc watched dem struggle haha!
8 Den da robot got a towel, throo it in da water n it all soakd up
9 Wen dey got in2 kfc da robot sed 2 his pal "wot do u want?" n he sed "double porshon ov chikhen plz"
10 An he sed "u hav askd suchs a hard fing cos i dnt hav enuf moneys"\
11 An they toked for a bit an suddnly 2 horses on fire came n made a tornado n took da robot into heaven but not his pal.
12 N so his pal went mental n shoutd "da horses is on fire!!!" so took all da robots clothes tht he left n tore dem up

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Psalm 50.1-6
Teh Song By Asaf

1 Teh mytee Ceiling Cat speekz to an sumuns teh Urf and teh uvva kittehs, frum teh sun cummin up to teh sunset, Srsly.
2 Frum teh Matrix, purrfect in booty, teh Cieling Cat Gloes.
3 Teh Ceiling Cat will beh cummin, and he wnt shup; uh fiyer eats afor him, and he iz in uh Storm.
4 Teh Ceiling Cat will make teh ceiling and teh urf come, Srsly, so tht he can watch teh uvva kittehs always.
5 He sed "Cum here my speshul kittehs, who pwomessed meh stuff by killin teh mices."
6 And teh Ceiling says tat Ceiling Cat is rite, cuz teh Ceiling Cat himselfs is teh judge, Cheezbrger.
7 Listen to meh kittehs! Cos ai iz gunna speek kittehs, and ai will testuhfai agaynst yooh!
8 Ai iz not gunnah shout a yooh kittehs fur yor sackriffisez or fur yor buhnt offrins what yooh alwayz gives meh.
9 Ai dunt want yor kows or yor horny beard kittehs frum yor howses.
10 Cuz ai alreddy haz all teh animulz in teh woodz, and all of teh cows on uh fowzand hillz
11 Ai'z frendz wiv orl of teh burdees in teh mowntins and teh creechers of teh feeld iz mine
12 If ai wuz hungree, ai woodnt tell yooh, ai would eet cheezbrgrz for ai can haz cheezbrgrz, and all tat is in dem
13 Do Ceiling cat eat teh skinz of kowz? or drinks teh blud of teh horny beardy kittehs?
14 Fank meh by killin teh d00ds like yooh pwomessed meh yooh wood, Srsly.
15 Ask meh for halpz when yooh wants it, ai will halp yooh, and yooh will return teh fayva

Mark 9.1-13
Happy Cat taeks Hiz d00dz 2 teh Meowntins

1 K den he sez, 'Dis wat im sayin to u, sum u kittens gonna b aliev wen Ceiling Cat taeks ovr teh Urfs.'
2 An 6 dayz latr he taeked Petar, Jamse, n Jon up 2 teh meowntins all by demselfs n He transformed LOL.
3 An His shirt ternded teh witest wite n teh Urf, srsly brite.
4 An den Elias and Mosis showded up n dey wuz txtin wit Happy Cat.
5 An den Petar sez, 'Mastr, we shud maek 3 tabrnclz (liek a tiny cherch LOL), 1 fer u n 1 fer Elias n 1 fer Mosis.'
6 He dint no wut els ta say cuz he wuz srsly skeert.
7 An den dis clowd shoded up n teh voyce of Ceiling Cat sez, 'Let me show u mai fav kitten. Mai fav kitten, let me show u him. U lissin to his meows, kthxbi'.
8 An den dey all lookin rownd but evrywon wuz gone but teh Happy Cat.
9 An den dey comeded down frum teh meowntins and Happy Cat sez 'Dont tell nobodi wut happnd hear til I comed back frum teh dedz, k?'
10 Den dey wuz all liek 'WTF he meenz comed back from teh dedz' cuz nrmaly wen u dedz u dont comed back so dey was teh confuse.
11 An den dey axd Happy Cat 'How comed teh kittens dat rite all teh stufs down sez Elais can haz comed back frst?'
12 An Happy Cat sez 'Srsly guise, Elais gotta comed back frst cuz he gotta fix sum shit, den teh script sez teh Kitten of Ceiling Cat can haz suffering.
13 But itz ok cuz he comed back jus now n you d00dz doned good, LOL.'

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