Saturday, February 28, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the First Sunday in Lent

First Sunday in Lent

Genesis 9.8–17
Psalm 25.1–10
1 Peter 3.18–end
Mark 1.9–15

Genesis 9.8–17

8 Ceiling Cat sez to Noah an his kidz:
9 “Hay looks, u an me r liek teh bests frenz an I lieks ur baybeez too,
10 An' teh aminulz u has: teh burdies, teh caws taht mooes, and teh otehr aminulz, dem gives teh mooves off teh boats, k?
11 U and me r liek teh frenz: I no moar makez teh waterz comez; u noe gets wet no moar, k?”
12 Teh Ceiling Cat sez: “U noes taht u and me are teh frenz and me and teh animulz r teh frenz forevr n evr becuz dis: cuz Ceiling Cat pwns rpeat...
13 Visible Raynbo iz in teh skyz, k? U an me an evrywunz is teh frenz becuz teh raynbo r gr8.
14 Ifs u sees teh clowdz, u no kin sez, "Oh Noes! Teh waters comes!" becuz tehres teh raynbo;
15 and I kin sez "OHai luk teh raynbo," becuz u and me and teh aminulz are hella gud frenz; I no makes teh waterz come.
16 Teh raynbo will be in teh clowds and I rmberz taht u and me and teh aminuls iz stil sum moar teh frenz.”
17 And Ceiling Cat sez to Noah, “Teh raynbo meens u and me are teh frenz, k?”

Psalm 25.1–10
Here be of Davidz

1 ::hands ceiling cat a cookie::
2 I puts my stuff wiff u, k Ceiling Cat? don let me be pwned, an don let my enemies pwn me.
3 No an whos hope iz in u will evah be pwned, but dey will be put to shamez who are haterz wid no excuse.
4 Shows mz how toodoo it CEILING CAT lern me da wayz ofz duncle.
5 guide mz in da WURD and lern me, for you iz da CEILING CAT wha safeda me, caz aim contzin on ya from mornen to twelve.
6 dont fo get CEILING CAT, yourz groovay honey and suga, for tha ar fom of zda golden oldeez.
7 dont look atz my bads, o myz cars, butz at da bath tub we i am rinsdz dza badz outz da home indza wall de be for for yuo da man o CEILING CAT.
8 Guud is Ceiling Cat, he sall instruct teh sinnors.
9 He gide teh meek wif justis and wif da meek he shall teech in his waiyz.
10 All teh paths o' Ceiling Cat r teh uber-ness an trooth unto Ceiling Cat's prasies, for u teh man, dood. Srsly.
11 For Jebus' sake, o Ceiling Cat, pardon mah iniquity, for it pwns.
12 is he teh cat who feareth Ceiling Cat? U shall instruct him fo u ar 1337.
13 He'z innercat shall dwell AT ees, an shall inherit t3h landz. srsly.
14 CEILING CAT confidez in themz who phe4r him; ee shewz them his harbls
15 My eyez ar evah on teh CEILING CAT, for only ee noz when I fwap.
16 Turn thee un2 meh, and have teh murcy upon meh for i am tempted by teh Basement Cat, who's path to invisibl error is paved with many katnip pleytings.
17 Teh troubliz ob mah hart r troubld, bring meh out of mah troublnizz.
18 Considar mah invisibl errors an forgiv mah sinz. pleez, for i DO NOT WANT teh Basement Cat in mah closit no moar.
19 Pwn mah manee eminees.
20 Dewiver meh without shame for I take refug in u, o Ceiling Cat, for u pwn lots. Srsly.
21 Let integrity an Happycat-ness perserv meh, for i wate for u.
22 O snap, Israel, Ceiling Cat, reedem meh o mah troublz.

1 Peter 3

1 Teh ladiez should listen to their huzbanz, cuz if teh gai messes up, his wiv is leik is ok I has it, n leave teh basement
2 when they see whut u did there.
3 Don’t have win on just the outside,
4 let it be win on the inside to Ceiling Cat.
5 Cuz it was leik this a long tiem ago
6 when Sarah listened to Abraham and u can b leik her.
7 Huzbanz, be good to your wiv, cuz Ceiling Cat leiks this, so he not ignoer ur meowz.
8 K, and has hugs tiem wit every1
9 and give cookies and chzbururz to ppl who steal ur bukkit so Ceiling Cat gives u cookies and chzburgurz.
10 Cuz “he who has cookie, and chzburgurz and win."
11 Let him say do not want to fail and spread win
12 cuz Ceiling Cat sees wut u did there and leiks it, but sez do not want fail”
13 And who will steal ur bukkit if u leik Ceiling Cat?
14 But even if some stuff is teh sux, u can has chzburgurz from Ceiling Cat.
15 Make sure that if ppl r leik wtf? U tell them bout Ceiling Cat
16 and remember Ceiling Cat gives u cookies and chzburgurz if they r like “lol, o rly? U sux.”
17 But its better to b told u sux and leik Ceiling Cat, cuz he has chzburgurz and win.
18 Jeebus was once in the same spot, srsly,
19 but he went and sed “hai, Ceiling Cat pwns” to prizners
20 who were leik the ppl who weren’t cool leik Noah and teh ppl on his boat.
21 Teh water of baptizim saves us and gives us chance for chzburgurz thru Jeebus
22 who went to hang wit Ceiling Cat.

Mark 1.9–15

9 So Happy Cat, he come to John like John sez. John dunkxz Happy Cat with waterz.
10 Ceiling Cat sends Hovr Cat.
11 Ceiling Cat sez "This mai Kitteh. He roxxors an I'ze happy."
12 Thn teh Hovr Cat sends him 2 wild.
13 An he was in wilderness long tyme (srsly, 40 dais!). An Basement Cat wuz showin' lotza evilz cheezburgrz an catnipz to him. An he wuz wit teh sqirrelz, an anjelz wer giving him srsly betur cheezburgrz an brayded hiz fur.
14 Aftr John wuz arrestid (PWND!!!1), Happy Cat came into Galilee, sez to all teh kittinz about teh gud newz of teh Ceiling Cat,
15 an he sayd, "iz tyme, kittenz! Ceiling Cat'z kingdim is here! 4saek yr evl waiz an beleev in teh good newz!" (awsum, srsly!)

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