Genesis 17.1–7, 15-16
1 Abram was 99 yr geezer, n Ceiling Cat sez 2 him: "I pwn everthing! lets be bff!1
2 We can has speshul covenint n i do invisible magic so yous breed leik rabbit."
3 Abram rofl...well not lulz, but he rofl cuz Ceiling Cat is big important. n Ceiling Cat say,
4 "For my covenint I make you breed leik rabbit so that u father many nayshuns.
5 Ur domain name abram.com, iz 404 not found. I make u new URL...abraham.com. this have sumthin 2 do w how, did I mention, i make you breed leik rabbit!
6 I leik fruit, and I leik u ! I leik teh rabbit, and teh nayshuns, o an kingz 2 so I will make ur descendants lot of kingz.
7 Since i do all this 4 yous, I be Ceiling Cat to u n pwn all yous 4eva.
15 Ceiling Cat also say to Abraham, "Dood, ur wife's domain name, sarai.com, iz too 404 not found. she can also has new URL, sarah.com.
16 I make invisible Ceiling Cat magic on her an she give u tiny kitteh with dangly bits. Nayshuns and kingz will come out of her kittehs, cuz i lay my badass blessins on her."
1 omg y u haz left me? I iz cryin it is no can haz be hugs time now?
2 I callz u all dai, u no talk. I callz all nite, I no can haz sleepz.
3 u is on teh thrones, gettin praised by teh Israel.
4 u is be gettin trusted by teh ancesters. u is savin themz.
5 they was be callin u and ezcapin from dangerz. dey was be trustin u.
6 I is no longer bein cat. now iz just worms. nobody wants it to haz be hugs time now.
7 everyone seez me iz liek "lolcat" and shakez headz.
8 dey iz liek "u luv teh cieling cat, he no saves u. lolcat, he no liek u."
9 u made me born safe. u luv me when I haz waz bein cute kitten in bowl.
10 I luvz u alwayz, u alwayz iz watchin me masticate.
11 Dun go! No one else will halp. srsly.
12 OK so there iz buckits all around.
13 dey is haz me! oh no!
14 me is wax cat. wax cat is wax and haz no strengths.
15 throat iz liek dry. my tongue is in my mouth, stickin.
16 dere is invisible bikes round meh. dey runs over meh.
17 mah enemeez iz liek "we can see ur bonez"
18 dey iz liek "I get hiz clothez!"
19 Ceiling Cat! keep wachings!
20 dun let invisible bike hit me!
21 HLEP LOL!
22 I tells othur cats bout yoo Ceiling Cat. I masticates fur u.
23 Everyone masticates fer Ceiling Cat!
24 He watch alls masticates!
25 I masticates in front of everyones fer u Ceiling Cat! U watch! I gives you cheezburgers!
26 Teh poor can haz cheezburgers too! All dey is wantings!
27 Ceiling Cat pickshur never get deleted! He watch everyone fur evar!
28 Ceiling Cat rules teh ceilings.
29 All proud cats masticates fer him. All mortuhls masticates fer him.
30 He watches all cats in futoor masticates.
31 Even cats not born be told "Ceiling Cat is watching you masticate."
13 Ceiling Cat tolded Abrahm an hiz kittnz dat dey wud run teh wrld bcz beleevn maeded dem good.
14 Bcz if teh popo on ur side jus bcz thay liek ur parintz, den beleevn equalz zeero cookies, so Ceiling Cat's resipe iz jus dum,
15 cuz teh lawz iz cookie taek awai. N whre theyre iz no popo, they iz no cookie taek away.
16 K so resipe iz in inbox if u beleev adn all Abrahmz kittenz gets it 4 free, evn if you popo or Abraham kat. Bcz Abraham iz evry1z dad kat.
17 It wuz wroted: "I haz maed you dad kat of mani breedz." He iz owr dad kat, adn teh Ceiling Cat iz lookin bcz Abruham beleevd in Ceiling Cat—teh kat thet raizes ded kats frm kat cmetery adn sayz "Thatz a dog!" whne itz rly a kat.
18 So it wuz a logn shot, but Abhram beleevd, adn so he wuz dad kat of mani breedz, jus liek soem1 saed 2 him, "Ur kittenz gonna be leik that."
19 Adn he stil beleevd, evne tho hiz boddy culdnt scampr ne more—bcz he wuz 21 yrs old (thatz leik 100 human yrs!)—plus bcz Sarahz kitty-maeker didnt scamper too.
20 Y, he ddnt stop beleevn, he jus bleevd moer, adn he siad good thignz abuot teh Ceiling Cat,
21 bcz he thouhgt teh Ceiling Cat haz big pawz adn culd do whut he saed.
22 Adn thatz y "he got tripll wrd score in hiz inbox."
23 Teh wrds "in hiz inbox" was wroted not jus fr him,
24 dey wuz rittn for us too. Ceiling Cat wil giv us credit for bleevin in him. He maeded Jebus com bak from teh dead.
25 Jebus dieded for our Invisible Errorz an comd bak to lief to maek thingz bettr.
31 An Happy Cat teeched him peeplz taht him will be payned an haeted. Den him will be mayd ded. But taht k cuz him not be mayd ded fore lawng!
32 An eaven doe him rly srs, Peter not be happy! Him yelleded at teh Happy Cat. It happen.
33 But Happy Cat were mad an he luk at him peeplz. Him telled Happy Cat taht be liek Basement Cat iz not gud. Him telled Peter taht "Peter liek Urfs stuf, not Ceiling Cat stuf, an taht iz bad." An Ceiling Cat stuf rly iz gud! Him mayk bestest cheezburgers.
34 Happy Cat telled him peeplz to coem wif him if dey not liek Urfs stuf. "Nofing betar den Ceiling Cat stuf.
35 Wen yu not can coem wit teh Happy Cat yu no can has cookiez. But wen yu coem, Ceiling Cat will mayk cookiez an not eated dem. Dey taist vewy gud!
36 Wut iz betar den Ceiling Cat cookiez? Not teh Urfs stuf! Srsly.
37 Nofing betar den Ceiling Cat cookiez! Yu can has eated dem oar bad Urfs cookiez. Yu choos.
38 Wen yu not coem, Iz get not happy an yuz not can has gud cookiez. Do want!"
or Mark 9:2-9
2 An 6 dayz latr he taeked Petar, Jamse, n Jon up 2 teh meowntins all by demselfs n He transformed LOL.
3 An His shirt ternded teh witest wite n teh Urf, srsly brite.
4 An den Elias and Mosis showded up n dey wuz txtin wit Happy Cat.
5 An den Petar sez, 'Mastr, we shud maek 3 tabrnclz (liek a tiny cherch LOL), 1 fer u n 1 fer Elias n 1 fer Mosis.'
6 He dint no wut els ta say cuz he wuz srsly skeert.
7 An den dis clowd shoded up n teh voyce of Ceiling Cat sez, 'Let me show u mai fav kitten. Mai fav kitten, let me show u him. U lissin to his meows, kthxbi'.
8 An den dey all lookin rownd but evrywon wuz gone but teh Happy Cat.
9 An den dey comeded down frum teh meowntins and Happy Cat sez 'Dont tell nobodi wut happnd hear til I comed back frum teh dedz, k?'
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