Saturday, March 21, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Fourth Sunday in Lent

Fourth Sunday of Lent
Numbers 21.4–9
Psalm 107.1–3, 17–22 [or 107.1–9]
Ephesians 2.1–10
John 3.14–21



Numbers 21.4–9
Teh Bronz Snaik

4 Tehy lookd at teh Google Maps an wer going on teh rode frum Mount Hor 2 teh Red Sea, goin passt Edom. But teh Israel kittehs gotz in-pashents.
5 Tehy whine an complane an say verry bad thingz abowt Ceiling Cat an Moses, liek: "Egyp waz bettr tahn dis. Wheel die in teh desert! Wer's R bred an our wadder? Our food no tayst good."
6 Ceiling Cat wuz angries and furrius! He droppd off sum poizon snaiks wif teh Israelites. Oh Noes! Teh snaiks bites many ov teh kittehs an tehy is killd dedded.
7 Teh kittehs uv Israel wennt 2 Moses an sayz "We is sorries for arr Invisible Errors agenst Ceiling Cat. We askxs yu 2 prai to Ceiling Cat for hav snaik remoovel." So Moses prayz.
8 Ceiling Cat sez 2 Moses: "Oh Hai! Heer iz recipee for snaik-poizon-go-away. Maik faik snaik an stik it on a longe stik. Enniwun hoo haz been bited by a reel snaik can has luuks at teh faik snaik an will getz better.9 Moses maiks faik snaik outta bronz an stiks it onna teh stik. All kittehs hoo getz snakebit justt had 2 luuk at teh bronz snaik an tehy livved. Tehy iz Happycats.

Psalm 107.1–3, 17–22 [or 107.1–9]

1 Sai thanx to Ceilin Cat cuz him luv go on forevah. KTHX CEILING CAT.
2 N Ai is hoping da kittehs he wuz niec to is going to say KTHX CEILING CAT, da kittehs he saevd from the doggiz,
3 doze kittehs in da hole wied world wied web, he pickd dem up bi da scruf uv deir nex.
4 Sum kittehs wuz aut inna wildz wif no hom an no hoomin to gif kitteh food n cheezburgrs.
5 Dey wur rly strving wif no food but rats! but dey was so weak it wuz so hard to kech. And dey wuz thirsty cuz there wuz draot. An no wader for kittehs to drinkorz. N dey ded almost.
6 Den dey sayed "HALP" to Ceiling Cat n asked him "I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGRS PLZ" n Ceiling Cat give dem halp.
7 He bring dem to a hom ware dey can live wif nice plaec fr nappin. An dere wuz cheezburgrs and plenty uv wawder and hoomins to give kitteh food lyk kibbles n plus for pettin.
8 So say KTHX to Ceiling Cat bcuz he dus nice stuff fr kittehs an ppl an he also luvvs us alot,
9 he give wawder bole to thirsteh kittehs an fills hungreh kittehs wif cheezburgrs.
10 some kittehs he locked up in DA POUND WIF BARZ ON DEH KAGES and doggiz barkin in da next room!!!
11 bcuz dey waz rly bad kittehs.
12 so he put dem IN DA POUND, dey got lost from comfy homez and nobody waz halp dem.
13 den dey finly axed "CELING CAT! PLZ HALP US! WE IS RLY SRY! N we is wants soem cookiez kthxbai" and Ceiling Cat heard meows and said "kay".
14 So he let dem outta da pound. He broked da barz on da cagez and dey wuz FREE agn.
15 Say KTHNK to Ceiling Cat bcuz he duz nice stuff to ppl an kittehs. An he luvv us for alweyz
16 and Ceiling Cat can brakez down barz uv cagez and kittehz free if he wantz
17 sum moor bad kittehz got st00pid dey wer so bad and dey got hurted bad too, ao!
18 dey stopped lykin cheezburgrs an cookez an kitteh food and dey wz gon to ded soon
19 so axed "Hay Ceiling Cat, halp!"
20 Ceiling Cat change him mind. Dey not ded. Him save dey lifez.
21 Say KTHX CEILING CAT bcuz he duz nice thingz for kittehz and ppl an him is luvvin dem stil, him love no FAIL
22 Nao gif him yur cheezburgrs an sing songz baout him, kthx.
23 I rite srsly long pome. Den dere were kittehs dat goes on shipps in oshin.
24 Dey seed krazy paower Ceiling Cat haz.
25 Lotz and lotz of storm iz in oshin. Srsly scary hurrykanes n tempists. Wave go rly hai. Scary place for kittehz.
26 Dey go up an doan wif wave n see ceiling and bottom of oshin an big wave almos cum ovr n covr dem. An dey wuz not fraidy-catz but den dey wuz big waves no plaice for little kitteh.
27 dey krawled araon lyk catnip even doh dere wuz no catnip. So dey can not has hai sept wen waves bring dem up. Dey go crazy, dey srsly crazy, de oshin messing wif dem. Dey so sick, no can has cheezburgrs or cookies
28 So dem asked "CEILING CAT WE IS SEESIK PLZ HALP US NAO FAILBOAT" an Ceilin Cat say "kay"
29 An Ceiling Cat he make waves go wai.
30 Now dey happie kittehs. Ceiling Cat bring shipp to land an kittehs see famly an cheezburgrs again.
31 Say KTHNX CEILING CAT. Ceiling Cat does nice stuff for kittehz n ppl an his luvv has no FAIL.
32 Ceiling Cat gud covno toppick plz tell grandmaw n grandpaw baot him kthx.
33 Ceiling Cat duz magic he make big wawder all go way an nao its drai here
34 an thers dis place wif cheezeburgrs, nao dey has none. Kittehs there bad.
35 den he make drai place nice wif milk for good an thirsteh kittehs.
36 an place to live wif food an hoomins to mak thingz comfy.
37 dey mad gud cookies there.
38 he gave cheezburgr an dey do the secks an have lots of baby kittenz. I rite rly long poem, lulz.
39 ltr sum kittehs ded an dey were sad;
40 bcuz Ceiling Cat hatez no bulls an makes dey walk roand forevah.
41 but Ceiling Cat is nice to kittehs hoo iz sad.
42 Happy kittehs talk, mean kittehs aer kwieit.
43 if yu smrt kitteh, think baot dis pome. Dat's all I has to sai.

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Ephesians 2.1–10
A moar betteh laif. We haz it.

1 B4, yu wuz bad kitteh, srsly.
2 U no smell gud.
3 Wuz alwais goin in heets, LOLs. Ttly embaresin. An all time u fite fite fites. Ceiling Cat not want.
4 But Ceiling Cat lovded yu newayz.
5 Even tho yu not gud kitteh, Ceiling Cat tell Jebus bout u. Jebus go finded u, even tho u wuz vereh stinkeh kitteh.
6 Jebus washed u off an maded u smell gud.
7 Now you iz speshul an can haz RESPECT! An Jebus give yu best cookie EVAH!
8 U can haz cookie not cuz u earnded it, but cuz iz preznt frum Ceiling Cat.
9 Kittehs braggin "See teh cookie? Maded it mah selfz!" got to STFU, srsly.
10 Ceiling Cat maded kittehs cuz He wantz kittehs keepin Him compny an watch Him make cookies nstuf.

John 3.14–21

14 I gots 2 b lifteded up lyke Moses an his snakedy thingy,
15 coz if u beleeves ur not gon be ded! Eternal lifes, u can has it!
16 So liek teh Ceiling Kitteh lieks teh ppl lots and he sez 'Oh hai I givez u me only kitteh and ifs u purrz wit him u wont evr diez no moar, k?'
17 Cuz teh Ceiling Kitteh not snd hiz son 2 take all yur cookies, but so u cud maek moar cookies 4EVAR!
18 U beleevz him u getz cheezburgrs, but els you get invisibul error.
19 Lytes ar on now heer, but catzes no caer cuz they can see wit no lyte anyway.20 Invisibul error no liek lyte, him no liek be seed.21 Good kitteh no skeered of lyte, cuz himz not messin up."


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