Sunday, April 19, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Second Sunday of Easter

Second Sunday of Easter
Exodus 14.10–end; 15.20–21
Acts 4.32–35†
Psalm 133
1 John 1.1—2.2
John 20.19–end


Exodus 14.10–end; 15.20–21

10 Tehn teh Irsaaiels sawd Egipshins and wer all, "OMFG@!!!"
11 So teh Isrealights were ril madd @ Mosis b/c tehy didint want 2 dei! tehy all "wy we hafta dei heer?!?! we wooda deid in egypp anywai."
12 Tehy wud rathur do evrything 4 the egipshins then dei!!! Right??
13 So Mosis sed "OMG CHILLOUT! Ceiling Cat sez wer ttly OK. u no see gypshuns nemor.
14 "Ceiling Cat will gives u cheezburgers! I promis u all! dun moov!"
15 So Ceiling Cat sez "wy u all scard An axkin fer help? keep moovin.
16 holdz up ur big stik over teh see. teh see will splitz apart, leik srsly! An u An teh Izrelites can walks on grownd An not get wet becuz DO NOT WANT!!1!
17 An cuz teh gypshuns, tehy stubrn, tehy chayse u. but I wil pwnz dem all.
18 An aftur pwnzing, teh gypshuns kno I is Ceiling Cat."
19 So teh big clowd taht wuz Ceiling Cat wuz in frunt but it movd 2 teh bak. it movd
20 so it wer btween teh gypshuns An teh Izrelites. An teh clowd wuz dark scarei clowd fur teh gypshuns, but wuz nyse hapei clowd fur teh Izrel d00ds. An teh armeis no can see cuz it wer dark (cept 4 kitties cuz dey cn C in dark).
21 Moses put his han ovur teh see, An Ceiling Cat mayk big wind that blowd see all nite till see wuz drei lan so kitties no get wet. teh waterz wer dvided.
22 Teh izrelites crosd see on drei urth an no get wet. but tehr wuz walls o water on teh sieds.
23 But teh gypshuns An teh charyots chaysd tehm OMG!!
24 Tehn, rite be4 sun caym up, Ceiling Cat lookd at teh gypshuns An he pwnzd dem so dey freekd ouwt.
25 An teh weelz ov teh charyots wuz stuk an not moov gud. teh gypshuns sed "Ceiling Cat fites 4 justis 4 teh izrelites, An he no leik us. we shud skedaddlz, leik srsly."
26 Ceiling Cat sed 2 moses: "hold ur han ovur teh see, An teh waterz, tehy cum bak An coverz teh gypshuns."
27 so moses hold hiz han ovur teh see, An teh waterz go bak 2 normul. teh gypshuns treid 2 run awai, but Ceiling Cat frew dem in2 teh see.
28 Teh waterz coverd teh charyots An all teh gypshun armei d00ds. leik srsly. not evun 1 gypshun cud excayp teh waterz.
29 But teh izrelites, tehy crosd see on drei urth an no get wet An tehr wuz walls o water on teh sides 4 dem.
30 So Ceiling Cat savd teh izrel peepz taht dey. An teh izrelites seed teh gypshuns ded on teh beech.
31 an teh izrelites seed taht Ceiling Cat can pwn gypshuns, An tehy leik "wow taht be awsm!!" An tehy bleev Ceiling Cat An moses.

20 Miriam, sis of Aaron An Moses, took teh tambreen, An teh laydeez go aftur her. Teh laydeez had tambreens too An tehy dansd.
21 An Miriam sanga song to tehm lyk this:
"Singa song to Ceiling Cat, cuz he wins teh day;
he frew teh gypshuns in2 teh see."
Miriam singa short song.

funny pictures of cats with captions

Acts 4.32–35†
Teh Buhweevahs Wer Like Commiez, LOL

32 Dood, teh kittehs shaird, srsly. All ov it.
33 An teh apawsals kept tawkin bout Baby Jesus all teh time an it wuz so good
34 dat all teh kittehs had plenti of cheezburgers an cookiez, rly. An sumtiems teh kittehs sowd all dey ownd
35 an dey put it at teh apawsals paws an dey took it an gav it to kittehs witout stuff. It wuz so awsum, lol.

Psalm 133

1 Behold, how gud an how plezent eet ees fur cafren to dfell togefa in uniteh!
2 Eet ees lik teh precioussssss oinkment upon teh hed, fat ran down upon teh beard, even Aaron's beard: dat went down to the skirts of his garments;
3 As teh dew of Hermon, an as teh dew dat desended upon teh mountains ov Zion: for dere teh LORD commanded teh blessing, even life for evermur.

1 John 1.1—2.2
Word of Lief

1 K so thsi iz bout Word of Lief whihc waz from beginin n we herd n saw wiht ar aiz n tuchd wiht ar pawz
2 An Lief waz reveeld, n we saw n wer liek "OMG LOOK AT" n we dugg it n rote in hedlien "ETEARNL LIEF WIT FAHTER AND WAZ REVEELD 4 US!!!1"
3 No Rly, It tru!!!
4 Is ROFLCOPTER awsom!

Ceiling Cat is lyte
5 Baby Jebus sais Ceiling Cat is made of win, he cannot has failz.
6 If you be down wit Ceiling Cat but has failz, u fail alwayz.
7 But if u be down wit Ceiling Cat and haz win, you can has baff wit Baby Jeezuz and cleaneded all ur evulz.
8 you all has evulz, +1 truth.
9 Telded the Ceiling Cat bout ur evulz and he will be leik iz OK datz kewl.
10 Donut be tellin leiz to Ceiling Cat.

Baby Jeezed helpded us
1 Lissen kidz, I be tellinz u to not dos thoz invisibuhl evils. Buht if u do thoz invisibuhl evils anywayz, Bebeh Jebus, he tellz teh Ceiling Cat taht u rly be gud.
2 An Bebeh Jebus, he be tellin Ceiling Cat for everywunz! Not jus for u, but for teh whole world!

cat
more animals

John 20.19–end
Da Desipuls Seez Happy Cat

19 On teh evening ov dat first day ov teh week, wen teh desipuls were togetehr, wif teh doors locked fer fear ov teh Joos, Happy Cat caem n stood wit dem n seded, "purring fil u!"
20 After him seded dis, him showed dem him hns n side. Teh desipuls were ovurjoyed wen dey see teh Happy Cat.
21 A gain Happy Cat seded, "purring fil u! As teh Ceiling Cat has sent meh, Iz sending u."
22 N wif dat him breeatedhd on dem n seded, "Smell teh Hover Cat, un eat".
23 If u fergive catz wen dey eat ur cookie, dey are fergiven; if u dun fergive dem, dey are not fergiven."

Thomascat Seez Happy Cat
24 Now Thomascat (called 2catymus), one ov teh Twelf, was not wif teh desipuls wen Happy Cat caem.
25 So teh otehr desipuls told him, "OMG We haf seen teh Ceiling Cat’s Kitten!" But him seded to dem, "His wounz--show dem to me."
26 Later him desipuls iz in teh house a gain, n Thomascat was wif dem. Though teh doors were locked, but Happy Cat waz liek "Oh hai! Purring fil u!"
27 Den him seded to Thomascat, "My wounz--let me show u them. Srsly."
28 Thomascat seded to him, "OMG! U rulz!"
29 Den Happy Cat told him, "Becuz u sees meh, u haf bleevs, iz gud; but iz moar bettr if u dun sees me n stil bleeve."
30 BTW: Happy Cat does a lotz moar big tings n of teh otehr stuffs, n I rites dem daown, but I eated dem.
31 But I dun eated dees stuffs, so u kin bleeve Happy Cat is Ceiling Cat's kitty n haf teh lifes, k?



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