Sunday, April 26, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Third Sunday of Easter

Third Sunday of Easter
Zephaniah 3.14–end
Acts 3.12–19
Psalm 4
1 John 3.1–7
Luke 24.36b–48


Zephaniah 3.14–end

14 Meow, first filial female of Zion; RAWR Itzreal?; drool like old man in full wet diaper, first filial female of Jouslum.
15 Sky Catz is not judge judy, gone fishing for enemas: Big Kahuna of Itzreal?, and Sky Catz is in the house, d00dz: Srsly, I poked you in the eyes again.
16 Then yammered to Jouslum, RAWR NO MORE: and to Zion, STIFF LITTLE FINGERS rocks!!
17 Teh Sky Catz thy Ceiling Cat has big strong wind; Cats rock, Cats happy; Catnap with affection and meow with glee.
18 Me gets many many whining catz, d00dz crying, too heavy to carry.
19 Lookey, me take back furball: me gets gurlz standing by lamp post, drives her to meeting; Yo! you cheer for me in all litterboxz where doo doo sits and smells.
20 Tehn me meows, me gets you; me calls you something-or-other and meows to all Catz of Urth, me puts you in Cat carrier and pokes your eyes, meows the Sky Catz, srsly.
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Acts 3.12–19

12 Den Peter gose in anoder long speech cuz him lik talkin, an him sed: "Hey jookittehs! Yu are suwpwised? LOL, ur stoopid. Wai yu lukin at us lik we madeded him walk lik diz all on ouwah own? LOL, stoopid!
13 Yu kno dat kitteh yu madeded ded wit teh name of Baby Jesus?
14 Haha, yu gots pwned. Dood, him wuz Holiez and teh Ritchus Wun, srsly! Insted yu let diz bad kitteh go! LOL!
15 Dood, Baby Jesus wuz all lik teh maker of cat macrows, srsly! Dun wry, Ceiling Cat makeded him com back to teh lif!
16 An cuz dis ex-lamez0r kitteh haf faif in Baby Jesus dat him heelded! Rly! Yu haf eyez, see?!
17 Nao, is okai. Yu wer stoopid and stufz. Ur alfa kittehz wer stoopid too.
18 An dun wry. Ceiling Cat yoosed yu! LOL! Ceiling Cat wuz in ur akshuns, fulfillin profisies!
19 Yu rly needz to tern to teh Ceiling Cat an can has reepentz. Him mek yu INVISIBLE ERROR even MOAR INVISIBLE. Rly! Him can do dat.

Psalm 4

1 Hai Ceiling Cat!
Lissen, K?

2 Hay kittehs, why u no liek me?
U leiks total junk stuffs!

3 Ceiling Cat keeps the gud kittehs safe!

4 U haz teh shakez,
so be good, K?
U should totelly liek shut up n think!

5 Ceiling Cat is wachin u too!1!111
oh noes!

6 And theyz all liek,
"Invisible Ceiling Cat!"

7 I iz happi,
even more then when
they has teh cheezburger.

8 I gunna go to bed now,
u watch me, K?
Kthxbye!



1 John 3.1–7

1 Hoewz grait iz teh luv teh Father haz lavizhd on uz, dat we is be called childz ov Ceiling Cat! And dat is wut we r! Teh reazonz teh wurldz does not be knowingz us iz dat it is be not know him.
2 Der fwiendz, now we iz be childrenz of Ceiling Cat, and wut we will be haz not being maded known. But we iz b knowing dat wen he apyrz, we shal be like him, coz we shall seez him as he is be being.
3 Evry1 hu is be haz dis hope in him purifyz himzself, juzt az he is being purez n stuff.
4 Evry1 hu sinz brakez teh law; in fakt, sinz is lawzlesnesss.
5 But u know dat he apyrd so dat he mite takez our sinz and giv us cookies! And in him iz be no sinz. No1 hu livz in him sinz.
6 No1 hu sinz haz teh seen him or knownz him.
7 Deerz childrnz, du nit let pplz leed u astray wiv cookies. He hu is be doing wut iz rite iz richus, juzt as he is be richus.

Luke 24.36b–48

36 OK so de apoceclipse iz together, and Jesus Kat is poof appear liek lazerz and sed "Peaz."
37 They is all liek "hax!"
38 Jesus iz liek "wtf nubs is me."
39 Disciplines is liek "o rly!" and Jesus is liek "ya rly."
40 Jesus is liek "srlsly guys. Stil me even if Iz gots wholes in handz and feetz.
41 Dey still not get it, so Jesus is liek "It can haz be food times now?"
42 Teh Apostasis is liek "here haz fish"
43 Jesus is like "kkthx" and eated teh fish. Thiz time he not makez lots of fishes an bread fer sandwhichez prolly cuz dere not enuff mayo.
44 Jesus is liek "nubs I told joo. it was writed."
45 Den Jesus is liek "I open ur minds."
46 Jesus is liek "srsly. That book sed teh rescuer, which iz me guyz!! gets hurtz lotz and standz up even thoug ded."
47 "Also go tell guyz bout peas with mah namez." They look all confuz by dis, cuz peaz really small.
48 He is liek "u r all being teh witnesses, witch meanz guyz dat lookz at stuff." They did caz dey haf eyez.



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