Saturday, May 02, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Fourth Sunday of Easter

Fourth Sunday of Easter

Genesis 7.1–5, 11–18; 8.6–18; 9.8–13
Acts 4.5–12
Psalm 23
1 John 3.16–end
John 10.11–18

Genesis 7.1–5, 11–18; 8.6–18; 9.8–13

1 Ceiling Cat den said
2 Noah, "Liek goes into teh ark, joo and joo kittens, cuz joo coolz an' righteous an' stuff. In dis generashun.
2 taek wif u 7 of evry kind ov clean moo cow, male an' its wife, an 2 ov evry kind of unclean moo cow, male an' its mate.

3 An' also 7 ov evry kind ov burd, male an' female cuz teh burdz are scaredz of teh commitments, an' also 7 ov evry kind ov burd, male an' female (for teh saem reason) 2 keep their various kindz livin throughout teh earthz.
4 7 daiz and frum nao I;m gonna send teh wetness on teh earthz. A little advize, probabliez a gud idea to keep 'em seperatez so teh moo cows don't haev an episode of "PENIS GOES WHERE?" until joo get der.
4 For 4ty daiz and 4ty nites, it gon b wet and I gun pwn some n00bs.."
5 An' Noah did what Ceiling Cat told im to, and installed dry wall between teh moo cows and his sons and his dawters so dey would not do nething liek to maek cowz go "PENIS GOES WHERE?!?" during teh 4ty daiz.

11 In da liek 6 hunderd year of Noah's lief, on teh sevententh dai ov teh second munth-on dat dai all teh spreengs ov teh grate deepz liek spewed teh waterz on teh urf and teh floodgatez ov teh heavenz wuz opend.
12 An' teh wetnessez came to teh urf an' it was all wet.
13 On dat der dai, teh sons of Noahz, Shem teh Jew, Japheth teh white guy, and Ham teh blak guy wif der wivez,
14 Tehy hads evry kind of animal two 'cordin to it's kind, all moo cows 'cordin to it's kind, evry creachur dat mooves on teh grawnd 'cordin 2 its kind an' evry burd 'cordin 2 it's kind, evrythin wif wings too 'cordin 2 all der kindz.
15 pairs ov all creaturez dat has teh breath ov life in them came 2 noah an' enterd teh ark.
16 teh animals goin in wuz male an' femail ov evry livin ting, as Ceiling Cat had toldd Noah. xcept 4 teh unicornz. And teh drag0nz and stuffs. Ceiling Cat sed 'DO NOT WANT'. and dey stayd out ov teh ark. den Ceiling Cat shut him in, and wuz liek 'k, ttyl'.
17 4 4t dais teh flood kept comin on teh urfz, an' as teh waters increasd they liftd teh ark high aboov teh urfz.
18 teh watahs rose an' rose and rosed on teh urfz, an' teh ark floatd on teh watrs.

6 4ty dayz latrz Noah guy openz teh window he hadz maed inna teh beeg bote
7 n senz out blak burd, n teh blak burdee kipz flying n flyn til teh watrz iz all gon wayz from teh beeg sanboks.
8 Latrz Noah guy senz out wite burd so can see teh watrz all goes way from beeg sanboks.
9 But teh wite burd no can fine no plaze can setz itz feetz cuz stil plenny watrz in teh beeg sanboks; so wite burd go bak to to Noah guy in teh beeg bote. Noah guy grabz teh wite burd n getz bak inna teh big bote.
10 Noah guy watz 7 moar daze n senz out teh wite burd from teh big bote.
11 When teh white burd iz com bak to him for teatiem, and sez "I can haz oliv leaf? srsly?" Then Noah noes that teh watrz is goan out.
12 Noah wuz liek wateing sevvin daiz und sent mudkipz to see teh sandbocks, but teh mudkipz noes com bak.
13 Bymby, the watrz iz dried up and teh beeg sanbocks is nrly cleened out. Noah is peekn and seen,
14 by teh 20An7 day of teh munf after teh munfmonth the beeg sanbox is ready to youse! srsly.
15 und Ceiling Cat sed to teh noah,
16 "GTFO, yous and yous wifez and yous sunz and dere wifez.
17 mbring out all teh aminalz and all teh crawlies and all teh burds, even the ones taht no fly —and let tehm HARBL GOES WHERE ! and take over teh wurld"
18 So Noah cam out to his sunz and wifez and all tehy wifez.

8 Ceiling Cat sez to Noah an his kidz:
9 “Hay looks, u an me r liek teh bests frenz an I lieks ur baybeez too,
10 An' teh aminulz u has: teh burdies, teh caws taht mooes, and teh otehr aminulz, dem gives teh mooves off teh boats, k?
11 U and me r liek teh frenz: I no moar makez teh waterz comez; u noe gets wet no moar, k?”
12 Teh Ceiling Cat sez: “U noes taht u and me are teh frenz and me and teh animulz r teh frenz forevr n evr becuz dis: cuz Ceiling Cat pwns rpeat...
13 Visible Raynbo iz in teh skyz, k? U an me an evrywunz is teh frenz becuz teh raynbo r gr8.

Acts 4.5–12

5 Teh nex day big impowtan kittehs com to Joorusalem.
6 OMG! So awsum. Annas teh Haih Preest wuz der, an omg, so wuz Caiapcat, John (anudder wun, lol), Alexander, an odder impowtan kittehs.
7 But dey gotz meen an dey demand, "Hai! Yu can has power frum who?"
8 An wow! Peter can has teh powah of teh HoverCat an him sed, "Hai!
9 We cawlded becuz we wuz so awsum an we madeded lamz0r kitteh ex-lamez0r.
10 Mai awthoritah, lemme show yu it. D00d, we did it wif teh naim of teh Baby Jesus who yu mak ded (lol, I keep tellin yu dat!) but Ceiling Cat browt him back, lol. An den dis man be heeled! Rly!
11 Baby Jesus is 'teh stown ya bilderz rejec, wich becum teh cownerstone'
12 Nobodie els can has giv yu cheezburger. Srsly.

Humorous Pictures
more animals

Psalm 23

1 Ceiling Cat iz mai sheprd (which is funni if u knowz teh joek about herdin catz LOL.)
He givz me evrithin I need.

2 He letz me sleeps in teh sunni spot
an haz liek nice waterz r ovar thar.

3 He makez mai soul happi
an maeks sure I go teh riet wai for him. Liek thru teh cat flap insted of out teh opin windo LOL.

4 I iz in teh valli of dogz, fearin no pooch,
bcz Ceiling Cat iz besied me rubbin' mah ears, an it maek me so kumfy.

5 He letz me sit at teh taebl evn when peepl who duzint liek me iz watchn.
He givz me a flea baff an so much gooshy fud it runz out of mai bowl LOL.

6 Niec things an luck wil chase me evrydai
an I wil liv in teh Ceiling Cats houz forevr.

1 John 3.16–end

16 Dis iz how we is be knowing wut luv iz: Jebus Kryzt layd down hiz lif 4 us. And we is b shuld lay down our lifz 4 our broz.
17 If Any1 haz materyal pozeshionz and seez hiz bro in need but haz no pity on him, how can teh luv of Ceiling Cat be in him?

Da test of belief
18 Kittens, luv is wot you duz, not sayz.
19 Do dat and Ceiling Cat liek you.
20 You OK wif it, Ceiling Cat OK wif you.
21 You not OK wif it, Ceiling Cat not OK wif you. It dat simple.
22 Wot we ask, we get's, cuz we do wot Ceiling Cat liek.
23 Ceiling Cat sayz Believez in Jebus an luvz other kittehs.
24 Do that and Ceiling Cat be down wif you. An you knoe dat cuz of Hover Cat be wif you.

John 10.11–18

11 "i iz gud shepperd. gud sheprd wud diez for teh shep.
12 teh wrkr, who iz not sheprd n no ownz teh shep, sees teh wulf n is all liek "O NOES! OMG a wulf! DO NOT WANT!!! run awai!!" n wulf can has his shep n eated them too, n teh rest runz awai.
13 becos wrkr iz liek "iz not mai sheep", he runz awai.
14 "I iz gud sheprd. i noes mine n dey noes me -
15 liek Ceiling Cat noes me n i noes him - n i wud diez for teh shep.
16 i gotz othr shepz in othr shepfold. i go getz them 2, n they will b liek, "o hai, i kno ur vois", n all teh shepz wil b togethr n i wil b teh 1 sheprd.
17 teh Ceiling Cat luvs me coz i wud diez... nly to RESPON!!
18 no d00dz pwns me, i dos it maislf. i has teh powr 2 do it n i has teh powr to respon agn. teh Ceiling Cat sed so. SRSLY!"

Weekend Cat Events

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Bad Kitty Cats Festival of Chaos
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#268 - Kashim & Othello and Salome
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