Saturday, May 09, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Fifth Sunday of Easter

Fifth Sunday of Easter
Genesis 22.1–18
Acts 8.26–end
Psalm 22.25–end
1 John 4.7–end
John 15.1–8

Genesis 22.1–18

1 Ceiling cat givd Abraham test so Abraham cud hav cheezburgrz. Ceiling cat sed "Oh hai Abraham.
2 Taek ur kitteh Isaac to whur I say an burn him inna mountainz.
3 So Abraham got up erly an tuk Isaac an 2 servnts, an cut teh wud 4 burning an went to mountainz.
4 On thrd day, he saw place to burn him.
5 He sed "Servnts, stay here wit donkey. We coem bak later k bai."
6 An he gaev wud to Isaac to curry an he tuk torch an knife.
7 An Isaac sed "K dad wher sheep?"
8 An Abraham sed "Ceiling cat will giv sheep." So they goed to place.
9 An Abraham bult altar an putted Isaac on it.
10 He gon stab Isaac Oh noez!
11 Ceiling Cat hazd a angel and teh angel wazd liekd "OH HAI ABRAHAM" and Abraham wazd liek "OH HAI"
12 And teh angel wazd liek "OH HAI, ABOUT TAHT KILLIN UR SON...J/K LOL!1 Ur win cheezburgrz 4evr"
13 And teh angel sed "We downgrazden youz 2 a RAM" An Abraham tukd ram an burnd it.
14 An Abraham sed dis place now cald "Ceiling Cat Gievs Cheezburgrz."
15 An Ceiling cat sed "OH HAI ABRAHAM"
16 An he sed "Abraham ur gud kitteh. U wud givd me ur kitteh.
17 So ur kitteh wil haev lots of kittehs, more than stars an sand, an kittehs will have bukket
18 an all kittehs can has cheezburgrz. Cuz u iz gud kitteh."

Acts 8.26–end
Filip an' teh Ethyopyun

26 Den a WingCat sed to Filip, "Go south tru da dezrt an' go two Gaza."
27 So Filip, he meeted a nootrd Abyssinian kitteh, an da nootrd Abyssianin kitteh wuz in charj uv t3h muneez uv t3h Ethyopyun queen Candy. Da nootrd kitteh wuz goin' two Jerryslam two wurship t3h Ceiling Cat,
28 an' on hiz wai hoem in hiz charryut he wuz raedin t3h bukk uv Isaiah da Profffit.
29 Dat saem WingCat told Filip, "Go an' stai by dat charryut."
30 So Filip went two da charryut an' herd da gai reedin' Isaiah out loud (WTF?! hoo reeds outloud in charryuts?). An' Filip sed two da unuk, "Do yew get what yewr reeding?"
31 Da unuk sed, "Naut reely bkuz nobodee asplaynd it two me." Da nootrd kitteh letted Filip ried wif him in da charryut.
32 Da unuk wuz reedin' dis part: An he wuz leeded liek a shepe two da slodder, an' kinda like lamz doan't yell win gedding a haircut, he wuz quiet liek dat.
33 He wuz slodderd wiffout dignity, so nobudee tokks bout his kidz, bkuz iz not heer to heer it.
34 Da unuk wuz liek, "Iz he tokking bout hizzelf? Or summbudee elsz?
35 An' Filip yewzd hiz skillz two start wiff dat part an den go on two asplayn all bout Jeebus.
36 Den laydr dey caem two sum wadder. Da unuk sed, "DO NOT WANT wadder, but wai naut get likd-cleen nao?
37 Filip sed "If yew beleev bout Ceiling Cat, yew can do it." Da nootrd kitteh rplyed, "I buleev Jeebus iz t3h son of Ceiling Cat."
38 Da nootrd kitteh tolded da charryut two stop. Den boaf Filip an da nootrd kitteh wented daon in da wadder and Filip likded-cleen da nootrd kitteh.
39 Wen dey gotted up outta da wadder da Hover Cat grabded Filip up in da aer, an da nootrd kitteh was liek wtf? but gallopded awai purrin.
40 Filip shoaed up at Azotuz an wented araond meowin bout Jeebus til he got ta Ceasaryuh.

funny pictures of cats with captions

Psalm 22.25–end

1 omg y u haz left me? I iz cryin it is no can haz be hugs time now?
2 I callz u all dai, u no talk. I callz all nite, I no can haz sleepz.
3 u is on teh thrones, gettin praised by teh Israel.
4 u is be gettin trusted by teh ancesters. u is savin themz.
5 they was be callin u and ezcapin from dangerz. dey was be trustin u.
6 I is no longer bein cat. now iz just worms. nobody wants it to haz be hugs time now.
7 everyone seez me iz liek "lolcat" and shakez headz.
8 dey iz liek "u luv teh cieling cat, he no saves u. lolcat, he no liek u."
9 u made me born safe. u luv me when I haz waz bein cute kitten in bowl.
10 I luvz u alwayz, u alwayz iz watchin me masticate.
11 Dun go! No one else will halp. srsly.
12 OK so there iz buckits all around.
13 dey is haz me! oh no!
14 me is wax cat. wax cat is wax and haz no strengths.
15 throat iz liek dry. my tongue is in my mouth, stickin.
16 dere is invisible bikes round meh. dey runs over meh.
17 mah enemeez iz liek "we can see ur bonez"
18 dey iz liek "I get hiz clothez!"
19 Ceiling Cat! keep wachings!
20 dun let invisible bike hit me!
22 I tells othur cats bout yoo Ceiling Cat. I masticates fur u.
23 Everyone masticates fer Ceiling Cat!
24 He watch alls masticates!
25 I masticates in front of everyones fer u Ceiling Cat! U watch! I gives you cheezburgers!
26 Teh poor can haz cheezburgers too! All dey is wantings!
27 Ceiling Cat pickshur never get deleted! He watch everyone fur evar!
28 Ceiling Cat rules teh ceilings.
29 All proud cats masticates fer him. All mortuhls masticates fer him.
30 He watches all cats in futoor masticates.
31 Even cats not born be told "Ceiling Cat is watching you masticate."

1 John 4.7–end

7 Frenz, letz b luvin each uvver wif hugz n purrz n cheezburgrz n stuffz 4 teh luv come from teh Ceiling Cat. All teh cats who luv haz been bornded uv teh Ceiling Cat n knos teh Ceiling Cat.
8 Teh catz taht do not luv do not kno teh Ceiling Cat bcuz teh Ceiling Cat is teh luv. 9 This is how teh Ceiling Cat showz us hiz luv: he sendz hiz 1 n only kitteh (tahtz baby Jesus, n00b!) down from teh ceiling so catz ken live thru him.
10 Tihs is teh luv: not taht we luvz teh Ceiling Cat (we doez!), but taht he luvs us and sendz us hiz kitteh to get killded 4 our invisible errors n maded tehm go awai now kthxbai.
11 Deer frenz, since teh Ceiling Cat luvz us, we shld srsly luv each uvver 2, k?
12 No cat haz seended teh Ceiling Cat, but if we luvz each uvver teh Ceiling Cat lives in our ceiling n hiz luvz is made full in us.
13 We kno taht we live in him n h livez in us bcuz he sez we can haz Hover Cat.
14 N we haz seen n sez taht teh Pa (tahtz Ceiling Cat) haz sended hiz Kitteh (tahtz baby Jezuz) to save teh wurld.
15 Any cat taht sez Baby Jesus is teh Kitteh uv teh Ceiling Cat, teh Ceilng Cat move in wif dat cat. Srsly.
17 In tihs way, teh luv is made rly full in teh catz so tehy getz all fat wif teh cheezburgrz n cookiez n stuffz taht teh Ceiling Cat sez tehy can haz.. N on teh day wen Baby Jesus grade teh invisible test we srsly n roll leik a 20 bcuz in tihs wurld we b liek baby Jesus.
16 N so we kno n relai on teh luv Ceiling Cat haz 4 us. Ceiling Cat is teh luv. Teh catz taht live in teh luv live in teh Ceiling Cat n teh Ceiling Cat livez in him.
18 Tehre iz no bein skeered in luv. Perfick luv send teh skeer awai bcuz bein skeered iz about bein pwned. Teh 1 who is skeered iz not made perfick in luv (cuz Ceiling Cat in him n Ceiling Cat pwnz, member?) bcuz taht 1 knos hez not gettin pwned.
19 We luv bcuz teh Ceiling Cat luvvded us frst n sez we can haz cheezburgrz.
20 Any cat taht sez "I luv teh Ceiling Cat luvluvluv him" n hatez hiz bro, he liez. Fail. 4 any cat taht hatz hiz bro taht he seez, cant luv teh Ceiling Cat whoz invisible.
21 N he sez 2 us: "If u luvz teh Ceiling Cat u must luv ur bro." n stop fitin over teh cheezburgrs srsly! Kittehs!

John 15.1–8
teh tr00 vine

1 I iz tr00 vine, an mai father iz husbandsman (BTW dat meanz da d00d takin care of da garden)
2 All mai branches which do not has fr00t he DO NOT WANT: and evry branch that has a fruit, he eatz it an trimz it so it makez moar fr00t dat haz a flavr, LOL!
3 Now u has had a baff an is ALL CLEEN cuz i jus said that.
4 U r curled up in mai haert an I iz curled up in yr haert. Teh branch no can haz fruit, unless it in teh vine, who is rly me, srsly, an you can't has fruit either unless I is curled up in yr side stealin ur haert and u is curled up in my side stealin ma haert.
5 I iz vine, you iz branchz0rz. When we iz curled up in each uthr sides and purrin, it bringz moar fr00tz, but without me they be in ur vine stealin ur fruitz.
6 If you no curl up in me, then u iz gun be chopped out an burned by huymanz. OUCH.
7 If you do, you has a plushie and catnip and all other things you DO WANT.
8 I luff mai father, so you iz bringin moar fr00tz, and you be mai kittehz

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