Friday, June 12, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, June 14, 2009

Sunday, June 14, 2009
1 Samuel 15:34 - 16:13 and Psalm 20
Ezekiel 17:22-24 and Psalm 92:1-4, 12-15
2 Corinthians 5:6-10, (11-13), 14-17
Mark 4:26-34

1 Samuel 15:34 - 16:13

34 til Teh dai samuel did, he did not go 2 c saul again, though samuel mournded 4 him. An Cielin kat wuz grievd dat he had made saul king ovar israel and began 2 licks hiz hrbalz and chaze invisibl mouse in livng room.

Samuel Annointz David
1 Ceiling Cat tellded Samuel "u can has no mar teerz. Saul not be down wit Israel. U can finded Jesse in Bethlehemville, his sun gunna be da Kingz. Here take dis oluvejuse"
2 Samuell sais "OMG!!!1! Saul will maek me ded" and Ceiling Cat sez "Taek di moocows and make it ded for Ceiling Cat"
3 "It can be ded moocown partiez time and Jesse can come too. You make Jesse da kingz"
4 Samuel did what Ceiling cat tolded him 2. All the Bethlehemvillians d00dz were scareded.
5 Samuel invited dem all to ded moocow partiez.
6 Wen dey arrivd, Samuel seez Eliab n thot, "Srsly, the Ceiling Catz annointed standz here before the Ceiling Cat. Dis d00dz is teh 1337ness!"
7 But Ceiling Cat sed to Samuel, "DO NOT WANT. Ceiling Cat iz inside u ppl, lookin at ur heartz."
8 Samuel seez Abinadab and thot "di d00dz are made of win!" But Ceiling cat telded Samuel that Abinidab was failz.
9 Shammah can has rejekshuns 2.
10 Jesse bringded all 7 of hiz suns and dey all has rejekshuns.
11 Jesse be running out of opshuns. But Jesse haz one more sun...only a babiez.
12 Samuel sez "w00t!"
13 Samuel poorded the oluvejuse on David and Ceiling Cat gaev Cheezburger to David, leik infinate cheezeburger! Win!
Psalm 20
1 OK so I hopez Ceiling Cat nevar afk wen u haz qwestionz. he protectz u n stuffz.
2 n I hopez he makez u cookiez n cheezburgerz in ceiling n sendz dem from ceiling.3 n I hopez he exceptz ur offrinz uv hugz n invisible ladderz n stuffz.
4 n I hopez u can haz cheezburgerz liek u wantz.
5 n den we can b liek "OMG we winz!" n hug Ceiling Cat n stuffz. n I hopez he sendz cheezburger wen u liek "i can haz cheezburger"
6 Naow i no Ceiling Cat givez cheezburgerz to king he liek n anserz qwestionz n givez grate victreez b/c Ceiling Cat can do dat.
7 Sum iz liek "omg invisible bicyclez best" n sum is liek "wtf invisible steamroller nub" but we iz liek "Ceiling Ccat teh best"
8 Sum lolcatz fallz in2 bucketz n waterz n stuffz but we sitz on keyboardz n watchez fap.
9 Givez victree to king catz Ceiling Cat n give uz cookiez n cheezburgerz n stuff wen we askz. plz. but srsly, dun go afk.

funny pictures of cats with captions

Ezekiel 17:22-24

22 "dis iz wat de Ceiling Cat say; ai will take on of dem branch of de cedar,
23 an plant it on mountain in Izrael. an it will 'com a grate tree an tons a' birds will nest in it.
24 an all teh treez in teh feild will now dad ai, teh Ceiling Cat, brot down teh tall treh an make the low grow tall.
" 'Ai, the Ceiling Cat say, an ai will do it!' "

Psalm 92
Psalm 4 Caturday

1 Iz goodz, thx 4 teh Ceiling Cat, n singz teh praizez 2 ur nam, Cat in ur Ceiling!
2 Iz goodz, talkz abour ur loves in teh morning, n ur faythfulnez in teh nite,
3 accompanid bai teh gitar, and teh harp.
4 Ceiling Cat has made mi happi. I singz coz of what he dun.
5 Ceiling Catz doinz iz teh b0mb! He thinkz deepz!
6 Blind cat no seez dis, st00pid cat no noes dis.
7 When bad kittehs growz up, evil cats everiwher, iz so dey getz destroid, k?
8 Ceiling Cat iz in Ceiling 4 eva!
9 Look at enemi cats, k? Dey diez! Dey runz awai!
10 U lift mai horn, lik ockz horn. I gotz oilz all ovah meh.
11 I gloatz ovah teh stalker cats; Evil attaker cat sez: "o noes! iz pwned!"
12 Teh good kittehs growz, like teh palm treez; dey growz tall, like teh ceeder treez.
13 U plantz dem in teh Ceiling Cat's haus, dey growz in teh Ceiling Cat's yard.
14 Teh old cats can has kittehs; dey iz joocy fresh.
15 So dey sez: Protektiv Ceiling Cat iz alwaiz fair.

2 Corinthians 5:6-10, (11-13), 14-17

6 So we alwaiz knoes that we'z herre and not therr wit Ceiling Cat.
7 We has teh faith thing, not proof or nuthin.
8 Yeah, we confidunt but prefers Ceiling Cat Land.
9 So we tries to make him laiks us and we give him bukkits of cheezburgers and not eateds them ourselfs evun tho we not even in teh ceiling yet.
10 Cuz we knoes that we has to stand at invisuble gate to ceiling and shows that we not peed on carpet or tear up sofa or nuthin cuz we gets our cheezburgers if we dun good stuff and not be bad.

Teh Minustry of Makin Up and Stuff
11 Cuz we knoes what its laik to be scared of Ceiling Cat and stuff we tries to get other kittehs to be good and stuff, too. Ceiling Cat knoes and we should kno he knoes and try not to do bad stuff.
12 We not tries to make u believz us, but really yeah we is cuz we thinks we is rite cuz u not does stuff rite.
13 If we is crazy, it's for teh Ceiling Cat. If not, u shood do what we do.
14 Our Ceiling Cat tells us to make u believs us cuz he died for you, dood.
15 He dieded for every lolcat and lolphin and lolrus so that we allz follow him and stuff.
16 So we don't think laik u other lolcats do. We did thinked laik that, tho, but not anymoar.
17 If u is one wit teh Ceiling Cat then u old self is gone and a nu one tooked its place.

Mark 4:26-34

26 An Happy Cat sed "So if u wan to b frends wit me an Ceiling Cat, itz jus lyke bein a planterz and plantin seedz;
27 An seein ur seedz groe and groe, wehn u r sleepin in a sun pach an wehn u r gettin up at all tymes of teh dai n nite, even if u don no how they groe.
28 An u see teh frootz on teh plantz lyke a leaf an sum cormz, like earz of cormz, even tho itz not frootz it groez lyke frootz but neway u no wat I mean."
29 "Neway wehn they gotz teh frootz or corms or whatevr, they alwayz jus put it in a box at teh harvist tyme!"
30 An Happy Cat sed "Letz plai a game, lolz. Pretendz Ceiling House is lyke a seed, wat shud it be?"
31 An evry1 was lyke "omg, letz make it lyke a wat0rmelonz" or "letz hav it be catnipz, rotflolz." But Happy Cat sed "Ok, gaime ovr, its a musterd seed." an teh guise were lyke "wtf Jesus, musterds are too smal" and Jesus sed "I no, thats on purpis Im Jesus remembur, u jus lisen to mai w0rdz."
32 Happy Cat sed "Wehn musterd seedz groez itz like pwnz0rz!!! Musterd seeds gigant0rz an make big treez an branchiz an all those berdz can be flyin in an undor teh treez an chillin in teh shaydez an stuffz."
33 An Happy Cat jus kept tellin teh guise hiz w0rdz an ovr an ovr jus wit difrent storeez an teh guise herd teh storeez.
34 But Happy Cat he nevr sed teh w0rdz of hizelf an Ceiling Cat unles it was lyke a storeez cuz teh guise were always lyke "Is it can be plz storeez tyme now plzkthx?" An he alwayz xplaynd teh storeez to teh disyplez l8r so they wud no all teh thingz.

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