Friday, June 19, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, June 21, 2009

Sunday, June 21, 2009
1 Samuel 17.[1a, 4–11, 19–23] 32–49
Psalm 9.9–end or 1 Samuel 17.57—18.5, 10–16
Related:
Job 38.1–11
Psalm 107.[1–3] 23–32
2 Corinthians 6.1–13
Mark 4.35–end


1 Samuel 17: 32–49
David Fites teh Goliath. srsly.

32 "Doan u worri bout dis stoopid philisticat." david sed to teh king. "I goez n fitez him for u. srsly. kthnxbai."
33 "Doan haz teh stoopidz!" sed teh king saul kitteh. "No wai can u fite dis philistikitteh n win. No wai. U r little kitten n he is big strong kitteh. He haz ben figtherkitteh since he waz yung. So jus no wai, dood, no wai."
34 But david, "Wai. I so can beat him. Iv ben takin caer ov mah daddyz animlz n stuff n dis wun tiem a lyon caem n tryd to steal wun for to maek cheezburgr wit,
35 an I just killded it. srsly. i beat it wit a club n brok hiz jaw n stuff. ya man.
36 i will do dat to dis philistikitteh cuz he maekz fun uv teh armi of teh ceiling cat!
37 ceiling cat savd me frum teh lyon, he will so sav me frum teh goliath. so wai. srsly."
N den saul sed, "k. may ceiling cat b wit u!"
38 saul gav david sum uv his armor, a rlly sweet helmet n stuff.
39 david tryd it on n walkd aroun in it for a sec cuz he nevr wear wun bfor.
"No wai can I wearz dis. I no usd to it. No want." so david tuk it off.
40 so he wen doan to teh rivr n got five rockz. n den wit only hiz rockz n hiz walkn stik he wen to teh valli to fite teh goliath.
41 goliath walkd out to see david
42 n laffd at him
43 "Srsly lil kitteh, am i lyke sum dog dat u try to beat me up wit a stik? srsly dood, dat is teh suckz.
44 come here n see me so i can groun u up lyke so much bird food." goliath yelld.
45 n david sed, "u coem to meh wit all ur fancy armrz n stuffz, but i coem to u teh naem of teh Cat of teh Ceiling's armis, u kno, ceiling catz armis dat u leik to teez so much.
46 today, ceiling cat wil totaly taek u, n i'm so goin to kill u and cutz off ur hed n stuff. n den, I will will groun all ur fighterkitteh leik so much bird food n den evryone will kno dat ceiling cat livs n israel!
47 n evryone here wil kno dat ceiling cat savs his kittehs n he doan evn need any of dat fancy armor stuff. Dis is totaly ceiling cat's battl n he will so gif u to me. kthnx."
48 s0 goliath cam fwd to meet david n david ranz at him.
49 he grabd one of hiz rockz an den he leik thru it at goliath! n teh rock hit goliath in teh hed n he fell over and dyd. Pwnd!


Psalm 9

1 Wil praze u, O CEILING CAT, wif al mah gizard;
Wil tel teh nubs teh kewl junk u done.

2 Wil b glad n w00t! in u :D
Will sing n w00t to ur naym :D, O in-Teh-Ceiling one.


3 Mah nme d00dz scampr awai;
tehy fall n tayke durt nap befor u.

4 For u is in mah rite upholdin my claws;
you has purred on ur kiteh bed, modrating mos awesomly.

5 U hav band hole domanes and band teh trols;
U erased tehr nam frum teh server log. DO NOT WANT.

6 Max pwnage damages ur nme d00dz,
u pwnd tehre cities ffs;
even teh bakupz bin delitid.

7 Ceiling Cat pwns;
has kitteh bed whar he mods teh forum.

8 Will ban n00bz in awesomnes;
Will rulz teh ppl for great justice.

9 Ceiling cat is a hidin place 4 teh emo n goth,
a club house to hid in win tehy taze u bro.

10 Tohse taht tuch ur fuzy bely laiks u,
cuz u, KITTEH, never bite ur frenz even win pet ur bely.

11 W00t to CEILING CAT :D, in him's kitteh bed in Zion;
spam on al grupes teh kewl junk he did.

12 Cuz he don forget win ppl pwn u;
n lissens wehn ppl get al retardid in chanel.

13 O CEILING CAT, check it how tehy pwn me!
Can has power ups? I is bout to dye. kthx

14 so i can sez hao kewl u is
in teh Daughter of Zion hoo is taht hot chik luvz neo
and tehn w00t in ur masiv cheezburgr. :D

15 Teh domanes has fel in a hole tehy digs;
ther paws has cawt in teh liter box trap tehy set.

16 Ceiling Cat is nown 4 max pwnage;
teh trols are hangz tehmself.

17 Teh lusers goes back to grav,
al teh lamzors hu forgetz Ceiling Cat.

18 U is hungry? U can haz cheezburgr,
Don luse hope. Cheezburgr on teh wai.

19 Getz off ur bedz, O Ceiling Cat, let not us pwn;
Let teh domanes be pwnd in ur fuzy claus.

20 Mak tehm scard, O Ceiling Cat;
let the domanz no tehy is jus n00b lamzors.

funny pictures of cats with captions

1 Samuel 17.57—18.5, 10–16

57 as sun as david com bak frum killn goliath, abner tuk him to teh king saul, evn tho david stil had teh goliath kitteh'z hed in hiz handz.
58 "whoz ur daddy?" saul askd him.
"he is teh jesse, n we lif in bethlehem" sed david.
1 Affer david stop talk wif saul, Johnathan said iluvu to david.
2 Affer dat, saul keepz david as pet, and sez, "no go bak to yr dadz."
3 'N den Johnathan promitz to luv david for moar dan hiz cookie.4 So den he getz nekkid foar david, I tink cuz david no has cloves or jus lyk nekkid Johnathan, wutevar.
5 saul do tinks foar david, cuz david ask. saul getz lyk ten gold starz. Lolcatz reejoyz.
6 So den next david make no move dis bad guy, n all teh girl ppls cum out they howse n all teh subarbz n stuff to say, "yay saul! Kthxbai." N they move all weird n make a lotta noise wiff shakey tinks and mouf blow tinks n go, "la la la!"
7 But they wurdz no, "la la la." They wurdz go: "saul make ded lots, n david moar lots."
8 saul get green lyk catznip n sez "Hei! david kill moar den me! Now him wantz be all "boss cat is boss"?
9 N howse arrest no inventerd yet so saul jus watchez him moar.
10 So nex suntime mean bad notinks dere cum frum Ceiling Cat to howse ov saul. saul talk a lot n david play erlee Leggenz of Rawk gaym, lyk he alwayz play. saul had sharp pokey stik.
11 saul frowed sharp stik at david, all, "Ahmonnagitchuu!" like dat. It crazy. I hid unner sofa, n david did too.
12 saul skeerd of david cuz Ceiling Cat lyk david n no lyk saul no moar.
13 So saul say go away, here some army menz, kthxbai.
14 N david ernd moar gold starz n Ceiling Cat play too. Ceiling Cat lyk army menz.
15 N saul go, "whoa, he gud." n got skeerd moar.
16 All da Lolcatz lyk david. He giv gud mushy fud.

Job 38.1–11
Ceiling Cat startz tokking an wont shuddup

1 And teh Ceiling Cat sez in teh windz:
2 "OMG, WTF iz u sayinz? u iz a noob!
3 "U getz reddy becuz naow I asks u sum kweschuns.
4 "Wehre iz u wen I maded teh earths, ifs u iz so smart?
5 "Who sayed, 'Hay, iz gonna be tihs big.'
6 "Whut iz unner teh earths? Who maded teh grouns?
7 "when teh stars and stuffs were all liek 'Hay'?
8 "Who sayed 'Oh hai waterz, u stay here, k?'
9 "when the clowdz were liek, 'Hai, we iz looks liek teh cloths,'
10 "and I was liek, 'Clowdz, u stay here, k?'
11 "Srsly.

funny pictures of cats with captions
Psalm 107

1 Sai thanx to Ceilin Cat cuz him luv go on forevah. KTHX CEILING CAT.
2 N Ai is hoping da kittehs he wuz niec to is going to say KTHX CEILING CAT, da kittehs he saevd from the doggiz,
3 doze kittehs in da hole wied world wied web, he pickd dem up bi da scruf uv deir nex.
4 Sum kittehs wuz aut inna wildz wif no hom an no hoomin to gif kitteh food n cheezburgrs.
5 Dey wur rly strving wif no food but rats! but dey was so weak it wuz so hard to kech. And dey wuz thirsty cuz there wuz draot. An no wader for kittehs to drinkorz. N dey ded almost.
6 Den dey sayed "HALP" to Ceiling Cat n asked him "I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGRS PLZ" n Ceiling Cat give dem halp.
7 He bring dem to a hom ware dey can live wif nice plaec fr nappin. An dere wuz cheezburgrs and plenty uv wawder and hoomins to give kitteh food lyk kibbles n plus for pettin.
8 So say KTHX to Ceiling Cat bcuz he dus nice stuff fr kittehs an ppl an he also luvvs us alot,
9 he give wawder bole to thirsteh kittehs an fills hungreh kittehs wif cheezburgrs.
10 some kittehs he locked up in DA POUND WIF BARZ ON DEH KAGES and doggiz barkin in da next room!!!
11 bcuz dey waz rly bad kittehs.
12 so he put dem IN DA POUND, dey got lost from comfy homez and nobody waz halp dem.
13 den dey finly axed "CELING CAT! PLZ HALP US! WE IS RLY SRY! N we is wants soem cookiez kthxbai" and Ceiling Cat heard meows and said "kay".
14 So he let dem outta da pound. He broked da barz on da cagez and dey wuz FREE agn.
15 Say KTHNK to Ceiling Cat bcuz he duz nice stuff to ppl an kittehs. An he luvv us for alweyz
16 and Ceiling Cat can brakez down barz uv cagez and kittehz free if he wantz
17 sum moor bad kittehz got st00pid dey wer so bad and dey got hurted bad too, ao!
18 dey stopped lykin cheezburgrs an cookez an kitteh food and dey wz gon to ded soon
19 so axed "Hay Ceiling Cat, halp!"
20 Ceiling Cat change him mind. Dey not ded. Him save dey lifez.
21 Say KTHX CEILING CAT bcuz he duz nice thingz for kittehz and ppl an him is luvvin dem stil, him love no FAIL
22 Nao gif him yur cheezburgrs an sing songz baout him, kthx.
23 I rite srsly long pome. Den dere were kittehs dat goes on shipps in oshin.
24 Dey seed krazy paower Ceiling Cat haz.
25 Lotz and lotz of storm iz in oshin. Srsly scary hurrykanes n tempists. Wave go rly hai. Scary place for kittehz.
26 Dey go up an doan wif wave n see ceiling and bottom of oshin an big wave almos cum ovr n covr dem. An dey wuz not fraidy-catz but den dey wuz big waves no plaice for little kitteh.
27 dey krawled araon lyk catnip even doh dere wuz no catnip. So dey can not has hai sept wen waves bring dem up. Dey go crazy, dey srsly crazy, de oshin messing wif dem. Dey so sick, no can has cheezburgrs or cookies
28 So dem asked "CEILING CAT WE IS SEESIK PLZ HALP US NAO FAILBOAT" an Ceilin Cat say "kay"
29 An Ceiling Cat he make waves go wai.
30 Now dey happie kittehs. Ceiling Cat bring shipp to land an kittehs see famly an cheezburgrs again.
31 Say KTHNX CEILING CAT. Ceiling Cat does nice stuff for kittehz n ppl an his luvv has no FAIL.
32 Ceiling Cat gud covno toppick plz tell grandmaw n grandpaw baot him kthx.
33 Ceiling Cat duz magic he make big wawder all go way an nao its drai here
34 an thers dis place wif cheezeburgrs, nao dey has none. Kittehs there bad.
35 den he make drai place nice wif milk for good an thirsteh kittehs.
36 an place to live wif food an hoomins to mak thingz comfy.
37 dey mad gud cookies there.
38 he gave cheezburgr an dey do the secks an have lots of baby kittenz. I rite rly long poem, lulz.
39 ltr sum kittehs ded an dey were sad;
40 bcuz Ceiling Cat hatez no bulls an makes dey walk roand forevah.
41 but Ceiling Cat is nice to kittehs hoo iz sad.
42 Happy kittehs talk, mean kittehs aer kwieit.
43 if yu smrt kitteh, think baot dis pome. Dat's all I has to sai.
2 Corinthians 6.1–13

1 As ceilin cats fellow werkers we urge u not
2 receiv ceilin cats grace in vain. 2for he sez, "in da tiem ov mah favor i herd u, An in da dai ov salvashun i helpd u."[a] i tell u, nao iz teh tiem ov ceilin cats favor, nao iz teh dai ov salvashun.

Pauls Sayz DO NOT WANT!
3 We put no stumblin block in anyonez path, so dat r ministry will not be discreditd.
4 Rathr, as servants ov ceilin cat we commend ourselvez in evry wai: in great endurance; in troublez, hardships an distresez;
5 in beatings, imprisonments an riots; in hard werk, sleeples nitez an hungr;
6 in purity, understandin, patience an kindnes; in da sincere luv;
7 in truthful speech an in da powr ov ceilin cat; wif weapons of mass righteousnes (WMRs) in da rite hand an in da left;
8 through glory an dishonor, bad report an gud report; genuine, yet regardd as impostors;
9 known, yet regardd as unknown; dyin, an yet we liv on; beaten, an yet not killd;
10 sorrowful, yet always rejoicin; poor, yet makin lotz da rich; havin nothin, an yet posessin evrythin.
11 We has spoken freely 2 u, corinthianz, an opend wide r hearts 2 u.
12 We r not withholdin r affecshun frum u, but u r withholdin yours frum us.
13 As fair exchange - i speek as 2 mah children - open wide ur hearts also.

Mark 4.35–end
Happy Cat pwns teh windz an oshunz

35 An so when storeeztyme was dun, Happy Cat was all lyke "Hay guise, letz blow tis popsickle standz, srsly."
36 An so they were all lyke "Storeez tyme, itz ovr, u guise can go hom now plz kthxbai." An Happy Cat an teh disyplez got on teh getaway boat an went to teh oshun an there was lots of other boats there too.
37 An whooooooosh, ther was lots of st0rmz and windz an there wuz waterz in teh boats an evry1 sed "O noes! Kittehs h8 teh waterz! Halp!"
38 An Happy Cat, he was jus sleepz on a pilowe, dreemin of corms an wat0rmel0nz an teh guise went an waked him up an sed "Happy Cat, srsly, we r gonna be ded soon an u don even care?"
39 An Happy Cat got up an was like "O hay wind u stop pwning mai boat an oshun u stop pwning mai boat too." An wudnt u no, teh wind an oshun stopd pwning.
40 An Happy Cat sed "R u srsly skaredy kittehs? I thot u had fayth in me."
41 An of corse all teh guise were skaredy kittehs an they were lyke "Ok, srsly, wtf is Happy Cat even sayin cuz who can make all teh windz and oshuns obay him an not b skary doin it?"


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