Friday, June 26, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, June 28, 2009

Sunday, June 28, 2009
2 Samuel 1.1, 17–end
Psalm 130
Lamentations 3.22–33
Psalm 30
2 Corinthians 8.7–end
Mark 5.21–end


2 Samuel 1


1 K so Saul iz teh dedd. An David iz leik totaly pwning teh Amalekites, an den he comz bak an stayz too dayz in Ziklag.
2 An itz day tree, an ZOMG!!1! iz nekkid gai comin from Sauls camp. Allmos nekkid, cloze all tore n stuf. He can has dirt on his hedz, why he do dat? An he fallz down in front of David, an is leik, "David u r full of win!!1!1! an awsum!1!"
3 An David is leik, "WTF??!? Wher u com from, d00d??" An he sez, I totaly ecskaped from teh Israel camp lolz.
4 An David sez, Wut is teh hapz over dere? An teh neekid guy sez, D00d, iz lotsa peepuls is runned away, also lots is deedd. Saulz iz teh dedd, an his kid Jonathan too. It is teh suxx0r1!!1!
5 An David is leik, How u noze dis?
6 An teh nekkid guy sez, "K so Iz in Mount Gilboa, watchin ur battelz.
7 An ZOMG!1!! I seez Saul, leenin on his speer. An iz lotsa guyz chasin him.
8 An hes leik, Who r u, an Iz leik, I r Amalkaleit.
9 An hes leik, D00d, u gotta kill me. Srsly. Iz not wanting to live no moor, it iz to suxx.
10 So I tottaly killded him!!!1!1 Cuz he woodint b havin no cheezburgers newae after he wazent kign no moar. An I got hiz crown and dis bracelet wut he wuz warin, lolz. U can totaly haz dem, David."
11 Den David is teerin of his cloze, an all hiz d00dz to.
12 An dey was crine cuz Saul an his kid got killded in teh fite, an dey wouldn't haz no foodz dey wuz to sad, not even cheezburgers.
13 David sez to teh Akmakalit gai, "Ware u frum agin?" An he sez, "Iz a immigant."
14 An David is leik, "U tottaly shd of thot twize about killin Saul, cuz he waz teh king wit teh anointing an stuf."
15 An David gotz one of hiz d00dz to smoted on teh Almallikit gai. An he watz smoted till hez dedd.
16 An David sez, "D00d, u watz totaly aksin for it, lolz."
17 An David maded Saul an hiz kid a sad song
18 (also he tolded peeps dey shd lern to play it, for realz, itz in a book, u cd look it up), an he sanged it:
19 Israel, ur bestest kittehs r teh dedz! Ur strong kittehs is falld!!1!1!
20 U shd tottaly not talkk about it, tho, k? Srsly. Less u wantz teh Philistines to hatz teh happiez bout it.
21 Rain??!? Gilboa Mountain DOES NOT WANT!11!! Cuz datz ware Saul gotz killded, an his sheeld is tottaly jus lyin dere.
22 Saul and Jonathan, dey watz tottaly good at fiteing, lolz. Dey cud take anybuddiez bukkit.
23 Dey watz teh bestest to dere peeps. An dey watz rlly good at runnin an climbin n stuff.
24 Saul gaved lotz of shiny cloze to teh Israel girls. OMG, dey better be crine about him nowz!11!!
25 Teh strong kittehs is fallded, leik I sed!1!1! Dey shooda stade off teh montin, srsly dat wuz bad place 4 dem.
26 Dis is teh suxxx0r!!11! Cuz I luvded Jonathan, but not leik in a gay way, tho he watz way kewler then ne chix.
27 Teh strong kittehs is fallded!!1! FAIL!11!!

Psalm 130
1 Dis place wuz teh suck so i wuz like "o hai Ceiling Cat"
2 Den i wuz all like "oi Ceiling Cat dun be afk coz i is lyk askin stufz"
3 Ceiling Cat if u iz all lyk postal cos of invisible error, iz we all fuxored?
4 But Ceiling Cat stil can giv cheezburgr if we sayz u pwn
5 I brb til Ceiling Cat sez i can has cheezburgr
6 Nvm i afk now, lyk idler in helpz room, til Ceiling Cat msg me
7 All kittehs afk waitn 4 cheezburgz cos Ceiling Cat can giv cheezburgr n Ceiling Cat giv cheezburgr to kittehs wiv invisble error
8 Wen Ceiling Cat bak from afk Ceiling Cat wil be all lyk "o hai kittehs, bout dat invisible error, lyk nvm, watevah"

funny pictures of cats with captions

Lamentations 3.22–33

22 Teh Ceiling Cat's compashuns no has FAILS! and he has grate luvs.
24 I sez to myself, I sez self, "Yu no run out of happy. Wayt pashuntly for the Ceiling Cat!
25 Teh Ceiling Cat givs bukkits to teh kittehs hoo has hoaps and hoo plays hyd and seeks wif him.
26 It iz gud to wayt foar teh Ceiling Cat to send HALP.
27 It iz gud for kittehs to hav onlee egg yokes while he iz yung.
28 I sitz a lone in sylenz while teh grate Playa lais it on meh!.
29 I will let mah face fallz daown in teh litterz.
30 If'n sumonez wantz to pwn yu, let dem smakd u in teh face. Cuz tehy wil be teh stoopid n00bz. w00t!
31 Cuz teh Ceiling Cat duznt foarget teh gud kittehs foar long.
32 Evn doe teh Ceiling Cat iz liek misstur meeny pantz sumtaims, der iz sumtaimes wen Ceiling Cat givs teh compashuns, cuz him can has lotz ov mercies.
33 Cuz Ceiling Cat duznt rly wantz to pwnz teh ppl or teh kittehs. Srsly.

Psalm 30
1 Ai wull prayseh yu, teh Cieling Cat, cos yu pickd meh upz frm the toylut bowl an di unt letz next doorz dog laff at meh!! WAI DEY LAFF AT MEH!!!11!!
2 O teh Cieling Cat, I corlded yu an yu gis me the maike betta medsin. (Tayste bad tho srsly).
3 O teh Cieling Cat, yu has gotz meh from teh gardin holze an di unt letz meh fallz in teh toylut agen, srsly, ah keeypz duin that…
4 Myawzez 2 teh Cieling Cat, yu furreh toyz ov hiz, that goze skweek! Sayz iz nayme lotz and lotz and lotz!!
5 Cieling Catz mad fing tis shoort, but heez luvz yah frevur, srsly, cuz ai iz mayekin noyzes all nyte (wihch ai iz k wiv), an deh sleepeh kittenz is happeh in teh mornun.
6 Wun ai iz on teh sofur, ai myaw “NAOW, IZ MAI CUSHIN!!!”
7 O Cieling Cat, wun yu lykez meh bestist , yu mayde meh scwatchin powst nt forl ovah wen ai iz scwatchin (vewy inportant), bt wen yu iz hydin ur fayse, ai iz lyke OMG yu dyssapeyude!!! Srsly lyke WTF? Wer yu gon?!!11!!!! YU INVISDIBUL!!!
8 Tuh yu O Cieling Cat, ai myawed mor: 2 Cieling Cat foor murseh!!
9 Wai teh dog allwayz trei 2 putz meh in toylut bowlz!!? Wai?!! Oh noes! Teh dogz trei 2 take mah cookiez!! Iz teh snayulz gunna bee yur kittehz?? Iz it gunna sayz yu luvz Cieling Cat more dan cookiez an meh??
10 Lizun O Cieling Cat an giz meh cookiez plz, O Cieling Cat, beh mah fwuendz, k?
11 Yuh turnd mah cri cat 2 danz cat, tuk off taht grai furz an yuzed teh fur die of teh fun kynd, srsly, ai hatez teh garai furz, meks meh luk lyk teh ownur of sooicydul catz, srsly.
12 Soze mai hart can myawz 2 yuh an not beh myawluss. O Cieling Cat, ai givz yuh mah cookiez furevr, k, thnx, bai..

funny pictures of cats with captions
2 Corinthians 8.7–end

7 Yuz kittehs r pwning, keep giveh deh tastee cookies, kaykay?
8 Ai askde caues yuz all gotta hugses n be niec.
9 Yu see whut Jeebus did dere, him gavded all him cookies to yuz untiw him can has no moar, so yuz can has dem.
10 Yuz stawtde maded cookies a year ago
11 so maded yuz cookies doen nao.
12 Do whut yuz cans, no whut yuz cants.
13 Ai no wanna biet yuz eers,
14 but yuz giffs whut cookiez yuz gots so dem giffs yuz whut cheezburgurs dems gotz, so yuz an dem got enufs.
15 Iz witten: "every1 gots enuf,"
16 Meows to deh Ceiling Cat for cheezburgurs an Tynas
17 cuz him gaveded yuz cheezburgurs an licksed yuz haedz.
18 Weez gaved him bruddre too dat dem sais is win.
19 An him is deh noo raomin kittehs to deh pwnage of deh Ceiling Cat.
20 No pplz can go wtf caues we giffs ussez cookies
21 We "gaveded no liyin cookies in deh siet of deh Ceiling Cat an dem pplz."
22 Weez giveh wiff dem ouwer bwuddah who twustes yuz.
23 Tynas wants to maded yuz cookies, an our kittehs awr teh litter of Jeebus.
24 So show dem ur cuddelz to teh kittehs.

Mark 5.21–end
A Dead Girl and a Sick Woman

21 Wen Happy Cat gotz to teh othur sied of teh laek, lotz of peepul wuz dere.
22 An den sum gai naemd Jairus seed Happy Cat an fell down. Dis happenz lotz. Maibe sumwun tripz dem.
23 An Jairus wuz liek "O, hai. I can haz help, plz? Mai dottr iz rly sik. U can heelz her plz?"
24 So Happy Cat went wif Jairus. An lotz of peepul caem wif dem.
25 An dere wuz a womun dere who wuz bleedin fur, liek, twelv yeerz. Srsly.
26 An teh dokturz didnt helpz her, but she payd dem newayz.
27 An den she caem to Jebus an tuchd his cloke,
28 Bcuz she touhght liek "Maibe if I tuch teh clos, den I getz bettur."
29 An she gotz bettur! Yay!
30 Den Happy Cat knoed teh powr wuz gon. An he askd "Hay, who tuchd mai clos?"
31 An teh disipls wuz liek "Teh peepulz all crowdz arownd u, wai u ask who tuchd ur clos?"
32 But Happy Cat kept lukin.
33 An den teh womun fellz down an tellz Happy Cat wut she didz.
34 An Happy Cat wuz liek "O, okay. U iz bettur nao. U can go hoem, k?"
35 An wen Happy Cat wuz speekin, sum gaiz comz frum Jairus's howse, an dey wuz liek "Ur dottr dyed. Sry. U no bothur Happy Cat nemore, k?"
36 But Happy Cat ignoard dem, an wuz liek "U not be skeerd, u beleev, k?"
37 An Happy Cat only letz Peter an James an John follo him.
38 An wen dey gotz to teh howse, peepul wuz cryin an stuff.
39 An Happy Cat wentz in an wuz liek "Hay, wai u maek all dat noyz? Teh kid iz sleepn! Srsly!"
40 But tehy lafft at him. An den Happy Cat kikt dem owt, an took teh parntz an teh disiplz an went were teh kid wuz.
41 An Happy Cat wuz liek "Hay, u getz up nao, k?"
42 An teh gurl gotz up, an walkd arownd. An teh parntz wuz liek "No wai!"
43 An Happy Cat wuz liek "Dis iz seekrit, k? But she can haz visible sandwich now, u giv her."


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