2 Samuel 11.26—12.13a
Exodus 16.2–4, 9–15
26 when uriahs wife herd dat her husband wuz ded, she mournd 4 him.
27 aftr teh tiem ov mournin wuz ovar, david had her brought 2 his houz, an she became his wife an bore him son. But teh ting david had dun displeasd teh lord.
Nathan Disses David
1 teh lord sent nathan 2 david. When he came 2 him, he sed, "thar wuz 2 doodz in certain town, wan rich an teh othr poor.
2 teh rich man had vry large numbr ov sheep an kattle,
3 but teh poor man had nothin except wan lil ewe lamb he had buyd. He raisd it, an it grew up wif him an his children. It shard his fud, drank frum his cup an even slept in his arms. It wuz liek daughtr 2 him.
4 "nao travelr came 2 teh rich man, but teh rich man refraind frum takin wan ov his own sheep or kattle 2 prepare meal 4 da travelr hoo had come 2 him. Instead, he took teh ewe lamb dat belongd 2 teh poor man an prepard it 4 da wan hoo had come 2 him."
5 david burnd wif angr against teh man an sed 2 nathan, "as surely as teh lord livez, teh man hoo did dis deservez 2 dye!
6 he must pai 4 dat lamb 4 tiems ovar, cuz he did such ting an had no pity."
7 den nathan sed 2 david, "u r teh man! Dis ar teh wut teh lord, teh ceilin cat ov israel, sez: i anointd u king ovar israel, an i deliverd u frum teh hand ov saul.
8 i gaev ur mastahs houz 2 u, an ur mastahs wivez into ur arms. I gaev u teh houz ov israel an judah. An if all dis had been 2 lil, i wud has given u even moar.
9 y u despize teh werd ov teh lord by doin wut iz evil in his eyez? U struck down uriah teh hittite wif teh sword an took his wife 2 be ur own. U killd him wif teh sword ov teh ammonitez.
10 nao, therefore, teh sword will nevr depart frum ur houz, cuz u despisd me an took teh wife ov uriah teh hittite 2 be ur own.
11 "dis ar teh wut teh lord sez: out ov ur own haushold im goin 2 brin calamity upon u. Before ur vry eyez im gonna taek ur wivez an giv them 2 wan hoo iz close 2 u, an he will lie wif ur wivez in broad dailight.
12 u did it in seekret, but im gonna do dis ting in broad dailight before all israel. "
13 den david sed 2 nathan, "i has sinnd against teh lord." Nathan replid, "teh lord has taken away ur sin. U r not goin 2 dye.
1 Lyk WHY do u purr cuz of teh ebil, u mighty kitteh? Why do u purr all day long--teh disgrace of teh eyez of teh Ceiling Cat u is nao!
2 U tongue, it be plotting teh destructionz; it be like a sharpened kitteh claw, u who be plotting to steal teh bukkitz.
3 U luv teh pooches (EBIL, lol) an not teh kittehs (GUD, plz); fakerz an not saying teh truthz.
4 In ur kitteh haertz, u has luv for teh ebilness. O, u has a bad tongue!
5 U no Ceiling Cat be punting u down to ruin; he will use u as teh baad scratching post an he will taer u from ur litterbox an he will put u in teh lair of teh pooches!
6 Teh gud kittehs will see an be afraid! They will laff in at him, seyz,
7 "Here be teh kitteh who think he is teh l33t--too l33t for teh Ceiling Cat; he lyked his catnip better than teh Ceiling Cat! He be scratching others an getting strongerz."
8 But I be lyke a blooburry bush an I be flourishin' in teh ceiling fan of teh Ceiling Cat; I putz mah trust in Ceiling Cat's unfailing luvz an I purr his praises forevr and evr.
9 I lift up mah catnip an praizes forevr for wut u has doen for mah life! In ur name I be hoping an I will praize u in teh presence of teh holi kittehs!
Exodus 16.2–4, 9–15
2 In teh desert teh hole cr00 startid flame war gainst Moses n Aaron.
3 Teh j00s sez 2 tehm, "t00 bad CEILING CAT din pwn us 2 deth in Egypt! Haz cheezburgrz in Egypt, but u bringed us wher no haz cheezburgrz. We is dyin 2 haz cheezburgr."
4 Tehn CEILING CAT sez 2 Moses, "Hakkkkh hakkkhh hakkk hhhhaqqqqqqq blehhhhh", for CEILING CAT did much gruming, and expelt furz and cheezburgrz frum hiz belly. He then sez "I throwz exter cheezburgrz 2 u frum ceiling." An' Moses sez, "gross--want nu cheezburgrz." An' CEILING CAT sez, "OK--Teh ppl are 2 go out each day n gather enuf Nu cheezburgrz 4 taht day. Iz test 2 c if tehy suck."
9 Tehn Moses tol Aaron, "Say 2 teh entire j00 cr00, 'Cum b4 CEILING CAT, 4 him red ur flam war n him not hapy kitteh.'"
10 While Aaron were talkin 2 teh hole j00 cr00, tehy lukd @ teh desert, n there waz teh awsomnes o CEILING CAT in a clowd. Wuz shapd like kitteh, srsly.
11 CEILING CAT was laik Moses,
12 "I herd teh flamin o teh j00s. Tell em, 'At twilight u can haz cheezburgr, n in teh morning u can haz bunz. Tehn u wil no taht I am CEILING CAT.'"
13 taht nite cheezburgrz covered teh camp, n in teh morning was a layer o dew in teh camp.
14 When teh dew were gon, lil flaks like frost on teh groun is on teh sand.
15 When teh j00s saw it, tehy sez, "Wut iz?" 4 tehy did not no wut it was. Moses sez 2 them, "It is teh bunz CEILING CAT givz u.
No fites in Jebus tairtory
1 Uz marked wid Ceiling Cats sent. Evr bodeh noes uz totly pwnd by Him. So dun be embarasin Ceiling Cat!
2 U gotz be humble leik lil kit. No fites. No meows if u haz to wait fer stufz, or if uthr kittehs gettin on ur nerves. U gotz te act leik u don mind.
3 Even if kittehz askin fer it, dun fite, srsly.
4 All kittehs in Ceiling Cats tairtory no fites. Membr wunz u wuz out, now uz in. Same fer all Ceiling Cats kittehs.
5 We all gotz 1 Loard who pwns us wid Hiz sent.
6 We all gotz 1 Daddy, an Hez de boss uf uz.
7 But all kitteh getz cookie froom Jebus.
8 Der iz paipr sais, "When Jebus climed up teh ceiling, him carried teh kittehs, an gived teh kittehs cookie."
9 Now, if Jebus goed up teh ceiling, he gots get back downd teh floor. Dat jes commin sentz.
10 Jebus goed up an caem down, so he been boef plaisez.
11 Jebus gived sum cookies to teh ol kittehs
12 so dey kin halp de new kittehs
13 an all kittehs kin be groed up kittehs noin bout Jebus an Ceiling Cat.
14 Den weez not itteh bitteh babeh kittehs no moer, all fraid uf scairy noises nstuffs, an totly gulbal an lettin meen kittehs taik ar cheezburgers.
15 Stead, weez leik pride uf big, roarin lions wid Jebus teh King.
16 An allo Jebus kittehs luvs teh uther an halps teh uther. An each do him job, maekin de pride strong.
24 Teh kittehz see'd dat Jesus n hiz homiez wuzzint there, dey demselves got into boats n came to Capernaum lookin for Jesus.
Jebus teh breadz o lifes
25 And when teh kittehz see'd him 'cross teh sea dey sez to Him, "Dude, how'd u do dat?"
26 Jesus sed, "Kittehz! U r not lookin for meh cuz you see'd teh mrklz, but cuz u want teh chzbrgrz!
27 Don't purr for teh chzburgrz, but for teh cookies dat offer mor din 9 livez, dat teh Son of Catz givz to u. Ceiling cat sez Him goodz stuffz."
28 So dey sez to Him, "Wut we kin do dat make ceiling cat purrz?"
29 Jesus sed, "Dis b it, beleev in teh one He sent."
30 So din dey sed, "Wut mrkl u do, dat we cud beleev in u? Wut kin u do?
31 Teh momcatz n tomcatz eated cookiez in teh desert, as teh skrptur sez: 'He givz dem cookiez from teh ceiling.'"
32 So Jebus sed, "Kittehs! dat wuzn't Moses! Dat wuz ceiling cat dat givz u cookiez from teh ceiling!"
33 Teh cookiez from teh ceiling cat r dose dat comez from teh ceiling n gives even more din 9lives to teh kittehs."
34 So dey sed Him, "D00d, givz us deez cookiez! srsly!"
35 Jebus sed, "I iz deez cookiez, dose dat beleevs will neverz b witout chzbrgrz n creamz in ur saucerz.
Get ready now cuz the wild weekend is coming!