Friday, July 24, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, July 26, 2009

Sunday, July 26, 2009

2 Samuel 11.1–15
Psalm 14
2 Kings 4.42–end
Psalm 145.10–18
Ephesians 3.14–end
John 6.1–21

2 Samuel 11.1–15
♥♥♥ David Gets a Girlfriend! ♥♥♥

1 in da sprin, at teh tiem when kings go off 2 war, david sent joab out wif teh kings doodz an teh whole israelite army. They destroyd teh ammonitez an besiegd rabbah. But david remaind in jerusalem.
2 wan evenin david got up frum his bed an walkd around on teh roof ov teh palace. Frum teh roof he saw woman bafin. Teh woman wuz vry beautiful,
3 an david sent someone 2 find out bout her. Teh man sed, "isnt dis bafsheba, teh daughtr ov eliam an teh wife ov uriah teh hittite?"
4 den david sent mesengers 2 git her. She came 2 him, an he slept wif her. (she had purifid herself frum her uncleannes.) den [a] she went bak home.
5 teh woman conceivd an sent werd 2 david, sayin, "im pregnant."
6 so david sent dis werd 2 joab: "send me uriah teh hittite." an joab sent him 2 david.
7 when uriah came 2 him, david askd him how joab wuz, how teh soldiers wuz an how teh war wuz goin.
8 den david sed 2 uriah, "go down 2 ur houz an wash ur feet." so uriah left teh palace, an gift frum teh king wuz sent aftr him.
9 but uriah slept at teh entrance 2 teh palace wif all his mastahs servants an did not go down 2 his houz.
10 when david wuz told, "uriah did not go home," he askd him, "havent u jus come frum distance? Y didnt u go home?"
11 uriah sed 2 david, "teh ark an israel an judah r stayin in tents, an mah mastah joab an mah lordz doodz r campd in da open fieldz. How cud i go 2 mah houz 2 eat an drink an lie wif mah wife? As surely as u liv, im gonna not do such ting!"
12 den david sed 2 him, "stay her wan moar dai, an 2morrow im gonna send u bak." so uriah remaind in jerusalem dat dai an teh next.
13 at davidz invitashun, he eatd an drank wif him, an david made him drunk. But in da evenin uriah went out 2 sleep on his mat among his mastahs servants; he did not go home.
14 in da mornin david wrote lettr 2 joab an sent it wif uriah.
15 in it he wrote, "put uriah in da frunt line wer teh fightin iz fiercest. Den withdraw frum him so he will be struck down an dye."

Psalm 14

1 Short bus kittehs sez "No Ceiling Cat!"
Theyz bad.

2 Ceiling Cat watches you masturbate,
and iz like, do u getz it?

3 Theyz still bad

4 Dont thoze bad guyz
who eat teh kittehs like cheezburgers
reeulize that Ceiling Cat TOTALY RULEZ?!!

5 Ceiling Cat likez us better

6 We hidez under Ceiling Cat,
cuz hes like, really big.

7 When Ceiling Cat bring back teh kittehs,
that Jacob dood will be preety happi,
and Izrael is all liek, "Way cool!"

funny pictures of cats with captions

2 Kings 4.42–end

42 One dayz a cat bringz lotts of cheezburgers. Elisha cat sez "Giv to profeet cats!"
43 "Wuut? Dar is not enuff" sayz teh cat. But Elish cat repeeted, "Giv eet to dem. Thar wil bee plantee."
44 And sur enuff, thar waz plantee four all teh cats, juzt az teh Ceiling Cat promized.

Psalm 145

1 I will exAlt u, mah Ceiling Cat teh Pwn
2 Evry dai I will IM u , An fwd u fr evr An evr
3 Great iz teh CEILING CAT an most worthy of kibble; his pwn nowun can haz
4 One base will fwd ur email to anoner; dey will macro of ur pwn
5 They will post of teh phishee pwn of teh Ceiling Cat, An I will downld ur pr0nz
6 They will post of teh pwn of ur awzom pr0nz, An I will post of ur winz
7 They will partaay ur lots of joy n joyness, An joyly macro of ur pwn
8 Teh Cieling Cat iz grayshus An compa - compa - neet; slow to report an rich in Friend List
9 Teh Cieling Cat iz cool to evryon; he can haz neet on all he haz not eated
10 All u haz not eated will macro u, O Ceiling Cat; ur Friends will fwd u
11 They will post of teh winz of ur base, An email of ur pwn
12 so all minz can haz be on ur Friends List, An hang at ur base
13 Your base is not b bedlong'd by anyone else, An ur chrysanthemum livz thru all madeds.
(Teh Ceiling Cat iz fayfthul to all hiz threadz, An lovin to all he haz not eated)+
14 Teh Ceiling Cat b catchin all those who haz no toastback, An liftzes those who haz teh bluz
15 All eyez look to u, An u giv them der kibblez at noon
16 U open ur paw, and givz all kittehs der cheezburger when want.
17 Teh Ceiling Cat iz admin in all hiz forumz, An neet towardz all he haz not eated
18 Teh Ceiling Cat iz near to all who IM him, An all who email him in troof
19 He fulfeelz teh desires (not in that wai, perv) of dose who feerz him; he seez der IMz An unbanz dem
20 Teh Ceiling Cat b watchin' all dose who masturbate, but all teh meanies he will eated
21 My postz will chatspk in teh prayz of teh Ceiling Cat; Let evry spambot prayz hiz holy name; for evr an evr or until teh connection diez.

+Apochrypha = i think dis meenz iz extra.

funny pictures of cats with captions

Ephesians 3.14–end

14 CeilingCat lubs ebry kitteh!
15 Srsly!
16 Him cn gib yu nawledge to makez cookie,
17 dat way kitteh cn be l33t too!
18 N him likez yu eebin if yu hab envisble err,
19 him still gibs u cookie n cheezburg n stuffs.
20 So, cuz CeilingCat is kewl,
21 yu tell ebrybody to come ovr whenevs K? thxbye!

John 6.1–21
Jebus giveh cheezburgerz to 5K

1 Afturwurdz, Jesus cross'd teh See of Gallilee.
2 lotza kittehs went too cuz dey see's teh mirikls He dun.
3 Jesus went up on teh mountn n sat dwn wit hiz homiez.
4 Teh jooz cheezberger feest wuz cominz up
5 Jesus saw lotza kittehs comin n sez to Philip, "We gonna need mor cheezbergerz!"
6 but Jesus sez dis iz test cuz he no'd wut waz comin.
7 Phillip sed, "200 daze of cheezberger makin wudn't be enuf to feed all teh kittehs even a lil bit."
8 One of teh homiez, Andrew, the brudduh o Simon Peter, sez,
9 "There iz tom-kitteh wit five cheezbergerz n two tuna; but wut good dis do?"
10 Jesus sez, "Tell them to chilax." N all teh kittehs chill'd on teh grassiez.
11 Jesus took teh cheezbergerz, sed thx to ceiling cat, and handed teh chzbrgrz to teh chillin' kittehs, also teh tuna.
12 When teh kittehs were purrin', he ses to His homiez, "Get teh leftover cheezbergerz so nuthin be waestid. kthx."
13 So Jesus' homies got teh leftovers, and fill'd twelv baskets wit leftovers dat came from teh five chzbrgrz dat wuz more din dey cud eetz.
14 When teh kittehs see teh mirikle he dun, they sez, "Dat must b teh Profit hoo come into teh wrld."
15 Jesus knowed teh kittehz wus going to come and takz Him n makz Him king, so He ran awayz

Jesus walkz on waters (kiiteh hait waters)
16 nite came and teh hommiez went dwn to teh sea,
17 thay left in a boat, goed cross teh sea to Capernaum. It wuz dark, n Jesus wuz still gonz.
18 Teh sea wuz dancin n shakin cuz teh wind wuz goin craziez!
19 Teh homiez see'd Jesus walkin on teh water! OMGWTF? Teh homiez wuz skeered!
20 Jesus sez to hiz homiez, "Don't be skeered! srsly!"
21 Teh homies told Jesus to git in teh boat, but teh boat wuz at teh shor alredy.

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