Friday, September 11, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sunday, September 13, 2009
Proverbs 1:20-33 or
Isaiah 50:4-9a
Psalm 19 or Psalm 116:1-9
James 3:1-12
Mark 8:27-38
 
 
 

Proverbs 1:20-33

Wizdum Warns Yu

20 Wisdom posts on teh internets, n edits wikipedia.

21 she posts in threadz on 4chan and somethingawful:

22 "How long, ye simple kittehs, will ye love simplicity? and the luzors delight in their lulz, and fools hate nollege?

23 Lissn to mai hiss: behold, I will pour out my HoverCat unto you, I will make lowd yowling screamings unto you.

24 Coz I have mao'd, and you sed "stoopid cat"; I have stretcheded out my clawz, and no man was skeered of scratchings;

25 YOU DUZZN'T STOP masturbating when Ceiling Cat watches you!:

26 I is LOLing at yur trubbels;

27 Wen in yur lief der b big bad storm wif crashings of tunders and flashings of litenings and big bad twister to whirl u rownd an rownd till u is dizzi

28 Den i can has calls, but i no annser; i can has tehm seekings meh, but I iz hiding frm dem:

29 Dum d00dz kno feerz Ceiling Cat:

30 Dey not wants my halp: wtf?!?1!.

31 Den they will eatz teh cookies ov der selfezez, and dey will getz no cheezbrgr

32 Deyr badness and ebil will mak dem ded and dey be silly kittehz who will nevr hav no cheezburgerz!.

33 But den if dey lissens to ceiling cat and duz wat dey iz told dey will get cheezburgerz and not get ded - no wai."

 
Isaiah 50:4-9a

4 teh sovereign Ceiling Cat has given me an instructed tongue,

to know teh word dat sustains teh weary.

him wakens me morning by morning,

wakens mai ear to listen like wun being taught.

5 teh sovereign Ceiling Cat has opened mai ears,

an ai haf no been rebellious;

ai haf no drawn back.

6 ai offered mai back to those who beat me,

mai cheeks to those who pulled owt mai beard;

ai did no hide mai face frum mocking an spitting.

7 becus teh sovereign Ceiling Cat helps me,

ai wil no be disgraced.

therefore haf ai set mai face like flint,

an ai know ai wil no be put to shame.

8 him who vindicates me is near.

who den wil bring charges aginst me?

let us face each other!

who is mai accuser?

let him confront me!

9 it is teh sovereign Ceiling Cat who helps me.

who is him dat wil condemn me?

dey wil awl wear owt like a garment;

teh moths wil eat dem up.

 

funny pictures of cats with captions

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

 

Psalm 19

 

1 ok guyz so liek dat hole in ceiling makez me worship Ceiling Cat.

2 evry nite he iz liek come into hoal n watch me masturbate n stuffz.

3 He nevar talkz or makez noize

4 but I no he watchez n mebbe vidyo tapez. Hole in ceiling == Ceiling Cat'z home.

5 In moarning he iz liek "4 shayme" but lukz happy n e wai.

6 No lolcatz hied from hiz watchingz.

7 OK so wat Ceiling Cat sez goez. He iz alwais rite.

8 liek srsly alwaiz. u lissen u be happyz and den it can be hugz time.

9 Ceiling Cat alwaiz fair n stuffz. liek alwaiz bow 2 him.

10 Srsly! moar want Ceiling Cat commandzmentz than cookiez or cheezburgerz!

11 Dey makez me smartcat n I getz prezentz foar obaying liek at crissmus!

12 we all haz invizible errorz but Ceiling Cat fixez dem withowt voiding warranty. plz be mah geeksquad, Ceiling Cat!

13 n dun let meh bez evul on porpoise. den I beez purrrfect.

14 OK srsly Celing Cat! Plz luv me n givez meh cheezburgerz. kkthxbai

 

Psalm 116

 

1 I luvs CEILING CAT, cuz he has hearded my mews and my meows.

2 Cuz he tiltz his ear to mee, therefor I will mew to him until I diez.

3 Sadz bout death rap round mee liek blankie, oucheez of hell gets hold of my scruff: I findz trublz and sadz evrywherz.

4 Den I mews in name of CEILING CAT; O, CEILING CAT, pleez, I can has delivered soul?

5 Gracious iz CEILING CAT, and osum; yea, our Cat has mercee.

6 The CAT savez da simpul: I wuz made low-liek, and he helpded mee.

7 Keep napping, O mai soul; for CEILING CAT has givn you comfy place and full belly for good sleepin.

8 For yoo savez mai soul from deff, mai eyez from cri, mai pawz from falling.

9 I will walk before the CEILING CAT in the land of the living.

10 I think troo, so I speeks: I waz hurt much:

11 I sez in mah hurt, all peeps are liars.

12 CEILING CAT givez me cheezburger, wut I give him?

13 I takez water bol of salvationz and call on CEILING CAT.

14 In frunt ov evrybodee I say I wurship CEILING CAT.

15 Wen CEILING CAT seez gud peeps die, he callz dem "Mah Preshous."

16 O CEILING CAT, truly I am only gud to lick your ears, I am only gud to lick your ears.

17 I will give awai mah cheezburger and mah bukkit and call on yoo.

18 I will give awai mah cheezburger and mah bukkit so all peeps can see it.

19 In the courts of the CAT's hous, in the middul of thee, O Jerusalem. Praise ye the CAT.

 

funny pictures of cats with captionssee more Lolcats and funny pictures

 

James 3:1-12

Taming Teh Tung

1 Dont call urself taechr if yu not is a taechr cuz Ceiling Cat will be piszed off @ u, k?2 We all skrew up in meny wayz. If any1 iz not skrewz up, he iz teh winrar n getz 2 keep all da cheezburgerz.

3 Wit 1 of da catnips we ken pwn teh whole cat.4 Even rele rele big catz.5 So ur mouf iz like teh catnip.6 N teh catnip iz liek fier, n sets teh fiers of evul. It maeks teh good cat into teh bad cat, it sets teh cat on fier n maeks teh problums.

7 All kindz a aminulz r bein told wut 2 do by menz.8 But stil not contrl mouf, mouf haz teh poizon dat will pwn u.

9 We ken give teh catnip 2 Ceiling Cat, or we ken use it 2 curse teh otehrs who r made by teh Ceiling Cat.10 Out of same cat comez catnip n a haerball.11 Ken both cookie n cheezburger come frum same plaec?12 Not

 

Mark 8:27-38

27 Laytr Happy Cat tuk him peeplz to sumwear els; an him ask "Wut duz peeplz sai bout Iz?"28 An dem sed "John teh Babtizt. An sum sez yu Elizyu. An sum sez yu majik fortyun telleder."29 An teh Happy Cat ask wut him peeplz fink him iz. An Peter sai "Yu iz teh Christ."30 An him mayd dem awl not can telled neone uv teh Jesus.

31 An Happy Cat teeched him peeplz taht him will be payned an haeted. Den him will be mayd ded. But taht k cuz him not be mayd ded fore lawng!32 An eaven doe him rly srs, Peter not be happy! Him yelleded at teh Happy Cat. It happen.33 But Happy Cat were mad an he luk at him peeplz. Him telled Happy Cat taht be liek Basement Cat iz not gud. Him telled Peter taht "Peter liek Urfs stuf, not Ceiling Cat stuf, an taht iz bad." An Ceiling Cat stuf rly iz gud! Him mayk bestest cheezburgers.

34 Happy Cat telled him peeplz to coem wif him if dey not liek Urfs stuf. "Nofing betar den Ceiling Cat stuf.35 Wen yu not can coem wit teh Happy Cat yu no can has cookiez. But wen yu coem, Ceiling Cat will mayk cookiez an not eated dem. Dey taist vewy gud!36 Wut iz betar den Ceiling Cat cookiez? Not teh Urfs stuf! Srsly.37 Nofing betar den Ceiling Cat cookiez! Yu can has eated dem oar bad Urfs cookiez. Yu choos.38 Wen yu not coem, Iz get not happy an yuz not can has gud cookiez. Do want!"

 
 

News from Ceiling Cat!

August 18th, 2009

Working on a not so secret project.

You can pre-order now and everything! Spread the word. What will your Aunt think of it? As always you can chat with Ceiling Cat right on his twitter.



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