Friday, September 18, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Proverbs 31:10-31
Wisdom of Solomon 1:16-2:1, 12-22
Psalm 1 or Psalm 54
James 3:13 - 4:3, 7-8a
Mark 9:30-37

Proverbs 31:10-31
TEH PURFEKT WIFE

10 Teh gud wife iz bettr dan cheezburgrz! Srsly!
11 her huzban trus her, an he haz the monies
12 shez gud an don hert him.
13 gud wief iz maikin teh blankits for huzban to ly on wen he tyrd
14 she olwaiz maikin teh dinur on tiem
15 she werk vewee hard evun in nite tiemz wen evrywan els b sweeps.
16 her tinks bout feeld, n sez, I wantz it, and her baiz it. Den her maekz graepz grow in teh feeld. srsly.
17 her is srsly pwnzer, n herz got lotza strengthz, more then u.
18 Her maekz gud stuffz an lotsa muneez, and her can stayz up all nites!.
19 her uzez dis staff, or mebe dat won, n she holdz it n her pawz.
20 she giv her spayr cheezburgerz an cookiez to demz dat iz not having ne!!
21 wen it snoez she be liek totalli kOOl cauz she alredi makeded teh scarfz an hatz for her huzban an bebeh kittehz
22 she also makeded lots blankeez for dem to sweeps on
23 an teh peepelz dey all lieks her husban an dey lets him makeded up sum of teh rOOlz
24 she maiks fings to sell so she gets lotsa moar muneez
25 she iz strong kitteh an happi kitteh
26 she haz teh wizdumz an she shayrz it wif uver kittehz hoo iz looking fur it
27 she taik cayr of her hawse an bebeh kittehz an she nevur b lazee evur - srsly!!!
28 shez huzban an bebeh kittehz dey iz luving her lots
29 lots of wimins iz gud but she is teh bestest - srsly!!!
30 teh wiminz hoo be all charmin - dey be liarz, teh wimin hoo iz pritti, dey gets uglee wen dey iz ohld but wiminz hoo is skaird of teh ceiling cat is teh bestest!!! SRSLY I tellz yu
31 giv her teh cheezburgerz - she ern dem an den yu tell all teh peepels she iz gud kitteh! kthx

Wisdom of Solomon 1:16-2:1, 12-22

Teh Beluved:
16 Ur teh handsum, mah luver!
And ur charmin.
Our green bed be teh virgin!

Teh Luver:
17 Teh beemz of our houz be cedarz
and our roofthings are ferz.
1 I is teh flowerz ov stuff.

12 It is teh spring! Dere is flowers growed, birdies out of tune, and turtles is talkin. Srsly, wtf up wit dat?
13 Teh fig tree is put for her green figz, and teh grapez smell nice. Get up, plz, kthx.
14 Joo is a dove, always up in teh rocks and stuff, stop hidin in stairs, let me see joo, let me hear joo, cos yur voyse is nice, k."
15 Go catch teh fokses, teh tiny fokses, cause tey be messin up teh vines with grapez agin. wtf, fokses? srsly, don do dat.
16 My lover is mine, and vice versa: he eats with cheezeburgers with flowers. Srsly.
17 In teh morning, be like a row or hart or hind (stil don kno wtf dose are, tho) and go to Bether. srsly, joo shoul go der.


Psalm 1

1 Blessid iz da feline
no walk in counsil of wickid,
no place paws in path of da sinnerz,
no sit and purr with da mockerz.

2 But der delightz in lawz of Ceiling Cat,
an ponderz much.

3 Tehy liek treez bai teh waterz,
dat yieldz teh good fr00tz.
Leef duzn't wither,
prosperz much.

4 Not so teh wickid,
dey like chaffz
pwnt by windz.

5 Derefor wickid doezn't standz in teh judgemint,
or sinnerz in assembly of teh rhytchus.

6 Ceiling cat watches over whey of teh rhytchus,
whey of wickid getz pwnt.


funny pictures of cats with captions

James 3:13 - 4:3, 7-8a
2 Kind Of Smartness

13 Who r teh smart 1z among u? Let em show it by all dere humbel chezburgerz.
14 But if u r jeluz of other d00ds cheezburgers, dont tell any1.
15 Dis kind of "smart" iz not frum da Ceiling Cat, but frum teh urth.
16 Wen u r jeluz of other d00ds cheezburgerz, u wil lose all ur cheezburgerz.
17 Teh smart dat comez from Ceiling Cat luvz it wen all catz r kewl wit each othr n evrybdy lisN 2 each othr n evry bdy shaer cookiez.
18 Peacecats who sow in paec will raies a harvest of cheezburgerz.

LisN 2 teh Ceiling Cat

1 Why ppl git mad @ eachothr n stuff?
2 U want cheezburgerz, but no has. U pwn, but no has. U do not has bcuz u no ask Ceiling Cat, remembre?
3 When u ask, u do not has, bcuz wen u ask 4 cheezburgers u rele want teh cheezburgers for yu nd not for teh sharing and gud things. WTFXUP?

Mark 9:30-37

30 An den thay leavded thar an went to Galilee, but they wuz cloked in stealf mode. 31 An Happy Cat teeched tham: 'Teh Kitten of Ceiling Cat getz pwnd by sum d00dz an respawns on day 3. Teh vid will prolly go on YouTube 5 mins l8r LOL.'
32 His d00dz wer all liek 'WTF he meen?' but noen of tham axd cuz thayd be a totl n00b.

Happy Cat teld Hiz d00ds not to maek fites
33 An den thay spawnd in Capernaum, an thay wuz in teh base and Happy Cat axd dem 'O BTW, wut waz u guise maekin fite abowt erleer?'
34 But nobody sed nothin cuz thay wuz maekin fite bout hoo getz to be most l33t wen Happy Cat getz pwnd.
35 An Happy Cat sez to dem all: 'Teh d00d dat try to b teh l33tz getz pwnd an haz to b teh n00b bichboy.'
36 Den he hugz a litl kitten an sez:
37 'Any d00d dat be nice to teh kittenz getz mah lvl up, an mah up iz l33t cuz its Ceiling Cat's mod.'


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