Friday, October 02, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, October 4, 2009

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Job 1:1, 2:1-10 or
Genesis 2:18-24
Psalm 26 or Psalm 8
Hebrews 1:1-4, 2:5-12
Mark 10:2-16



Job 1:1, 2:1-10
Prowlog

1 In teh land of Uz wuz a man calded Job. Teh man wuz goodz, wif respeck fur teh Ceiling Cat and hated evilz.

left: Job talks to Saitan, adn ther is sum nakid guy.

Job getz teh challnge, again
1 On a diffranter day moar Birdcats cam and prezents themselfs befor Ceiling Cat, and Basement Cat cam for kiks 'n gigglz.
2 And Ceiling Cat say to Basement Cat, "Where wer u?" Basement Cat said bak to da Ceiling Cat, "Im in ur erths, woking up and down uponz it. Dint I tell yu dis befor?" And Ceiling Cat wuz like, "oh yeah, sry" and Basement Cat said, "its k."
3 Den Ceiling Cat say to Basement Cat, "Has u seen mai servnt Job? He can has cheezburger cuz he laiks me stil en he hatez yu still, even tho yu eated all hiz cookiez and killeded hiz servnts and stuff wit no resons. Haha!"
4 "Cookiez for cookiez!" Basement Cat said back. "Any man wil giv all for hiz own lifez
5 I betz if yu hitz his body and boneses he gunna cursed yu ugly face."
6 Ceiling Cat den say, "K, he iz urs. Jus dun kil him, that be bad."
7 Basement Cat went out onto deh Urfs and gave Job teh herpiz all over hiz body, even on hiz feetz and head.
8 Job wuz nazty en he scrapeded off hiz sores and eatted them.
9 Job's wief said to Job, "OMG. Curse teh Ceiling Cat and get dead, stoopid."
10 And Job wuz like, "OMG, joo ar stoopid. We accept cookiez from Ceiling Cat but dunt let him takeded teh cookiez away? Why dun yu jus go awayz!" Job dint not invisible error teh whole time!

Genesis 2:18-24

18 An Ceiling Cat sed, teh man is alown an dat iz bad; he needz frendz so i wil maek him a gud help fo him. (i iz gud at stuf liek taht. srsly. An it will keepz him outta trubbel.)

19 An owt ov teh grownd Ceiling Cat madez al teh aminals on teh urfs an in teh see, an al teh burdz up in sky (an sum liek ostrijes who cudnt flyz, just fur fun). (Ceiling Cat is raely good at makingz mud pies. srsly.) An brot them untew teh man to c what he wud cal tehm: an wut teh man caled evry living aminal, dat wuz its naim. (if they didnt like it, tuff tamales, they wuz stuck wif it.)

20 An teh man gave namez to al teh aminals, an to teh burdies of sky (an to teh onez who cudnt flyz) an teh aminals in teh see, (so vey wudnt feel levt out), an to evry aminal in teh feeld (an in da hows, like kittehs); but fer man wuznt no gud helpr fo him, not evun anyonez to tak to in chatroom.21 An Ceiling Cat caused a deep sleep to fal upawn teh man, an he sleeped; an he tuk one of his ribs, cuz it has a flavr. 22 An Ceiling Cat can haz teh rib frum man maded into wimman, but did not eated it cuz he brot her to teh man. He sai O hai, I maded u a man but wifout long hare. Hav fun, kthxbai. 23 Teh man saiz,

"Dese bonez iz mai bonez
an dis meatz r mai meatz;
I calz her "whoa man", k
cuz she wuz in ur chest taken ur ribs. Srsly"

24 So man muv out da baesment an lives wif da womenz, an be all u can puts your toofbrush nexta mine an I no eats you.

an da manz sez orly
da womenz sez ya rly
an da manz sez no wai

Ceiling Cat makz teh rain, but wuz miztak.

Psalm 26
Of David

1 Gives me cheezburgr, O CEILING CAT,
for I m nice to kittehs;
I haz trust in CEILING CAT
no dowt.

2 Snif me, O CEILING CAT, n nible
my organ meatz;

3 cuz u luv me so much ffs,
n i walk in ur troofzorz.

4 I not pm w/trollz,
I not mssg w/ retardz;

5 I hatz teh d00d made YT of u chasin ur tail
n DO NOT WANT chow mane w/ cat in it.

6 I lick mi paus w/ inosint tung,
hang out by ur kitteh bed, O CEILING CAT,

7 goin w00t! n stuf
n spaming al te kewl stuf u did.

8 I luvz teh ceiling ware u liv, O CEILING CAT,
teh ceiling ware u r al kewl n stuf.

9 Plz do not pwn mi sole laik teh invisibly erroneous,
plz do not let trollz pwn all my base,

10 taht flame tfo me w/ left hanz,
n rite hanz clik on sub 7.

11 But I iz gud;
so giv me fud. (cheezburgr plz)

12 My paus scampr on lvl grownd;
@ teh ROFLCon, I wil w00t 2 CEILING CAT.



Psalm 8


1 O Ceiling Cat,
u iz pretty ossum!
Ur cool n in teh ceiling.

2 Bebehs and kittehs drinkin milkz
dey sey dey liek u,
cuz u pwn teh noobs n stuff.

3 When im in ur outsied, lookin at ur heavns
stuf you maed wif ur own pawz
liek teh mun and teh strz
dat u put der

4 I wantz to no why you liek me and oteher lolcats.
Why you talk 2 us? srsly.

5 Ainjels is moar importent than us but only a littul.
You gives us lots gloriez and onnorz
and stuff that we can has on our hed.

6 We can has control of cheezburgers.
They has to listin to us cuz u sed so!

7 Aminals too.

8 And also burds and teh fishus too.

9 Ceiling Cat,
u is maed of win and ossum.



dok

Hebrews 1:1-4, 2:5-12
Bebbi Jesus pwns teh Hovercat Anjuls

1 Oh hai Joos! In teh olden dais, ur olden dais kittehs speakd bout ur Ceiling Cat at bunchiz of tiemez in bunchiz of wayz,
2 But, in thees lahst caturdais Ceiling Cat haz speakd to u wif his Baby Jebus, hoo will haz all teh stuffs, n hoo haz helpd Ceiling Cat mak all teh stuffs,
3 n hoo iz holdin togethr all teh stuffs, cuz he's all liek, "Mah werd iz pwnage!" Baby Jebus iz teh beemz from teh Celing Cat's flashliet, n iz teh spittin imij of teh Celing Cat. He iz represtin! He haz sit down wif Ceiling Cat in teh Ceiling Chair cuz he haz all done wif givin teh soapz for cleanin mah 3vilz and ur 3vilz.
4 So, he iz haz bettr n all teh anjulz liek his nayem iz haz bettr n all teh anjulz. He haz teh reputashun iz 999 exaltd in teh Ceilingz.

Jebus Maid Liek Us Kittehs!
5 No iz tah birdcats dat Jebus haz maid da Urf tah come, bowt witch wee bee speeking of.
6 Butt der iz ah playce wear sumone haz testifeyed: "Watz da man dat yu bee minefull of, dee sun oh man dat yu caer fur himz?
7 Yu madz hims ah fiew furbaws lowah dan dem birdcats; yu cround himz wit da gloary an honah
8 an puh evewifin undah himz feet." Inn puhin evahwefin undah hims, dah Ceiling Cat lef nofing dat iz not lyeible tah himz. Yets aht da pwesent wee do nots see dat evahwefin iz lyeible tah himz.
9 Butt wee seez Jebus, hoo waz maid ah fiew furbaws lowah dan dem birdcats, naoh izd crouned wif da gloary an honah kaz him haz sufahed def, so dat by dah cheezburgahs of dah Ceiling Cat himz mites tastd def fuh al us kittehs!
10 Inn bwingen manee kittehs tah gloary, its watz fitin dat Ceiling Cat, who haz maids evahweefi, shuld purrfekt salfaeshun bie sufahwen.
11 Dee kittehs dat maek dem kittehs holey an dah kittehs dat arr maid holey arr inz dah saem famawee. Soo Jebus no iz ashaimd tah call dem bwoatas.
12 Him sayzes, "Ai willz say my naim tah mi kittehs; en dah pwescense of dah kittehs ai wilz sing yuz prayzes."

Mark 10:2-16

2 teh pharuseez sed "okai, so can kittehs gets a divorce?"
3 an Happy Cat wuz liek "um, dunno. what mozus sai?" cuz they wuz testin him
4 "mozus saed k"
5 tehn Happy Cat sed "no wai, stfu
6 Ceiling Cat clearly maed gurl and boy kittehs
7 an boy kittehs gotta gets it on
8 an teh kittehs gets mairrege an no divorce,
9 cuz Ceiling Cat made em wun
10 laeter Happy Cat wuz on teh sofa an hiz deesiplez wur like "no wai."
11 an Happy Cat sed "wai. kittehs no sposed tuh get divorce.
12 if a kitteh gets divorce its a adultree."

Tiniez Pplz an Happy Cat
13 some pplz were bringin tiny kittehs to haz snuggels wit Happy Cat, an deesiplez waz liek OMGWTFBBQ!!?
14 an Happy Cat sed "iz Kay. I liek hazin snuggels. I givez dem other sied of sofa
15 in fact, new roole. u no snuggels wit me, u no get any sofa"
16 an Happy Cat waz giving tehm cheezburgers



Weekend Cat Events

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Sam & Mr Tigger at Life From a Cat’s Perspective
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