Friday, November 20, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, November 22, 2009

Sunday, November 22, 2009

2 Samuel 23:1-7 or
Daniel 7:9-10, 13-14
Psalm 132:1-12, (13-18)
Psalm 93
Revelation 1:4b-8
John 18:33-37


Daniel 7:9-10, 13-14

9 "As ah wuz lokkin, (cuz ai do dat lotz, lol) dere wuz shinnyz sofas moveded in, an teh Ceiling Cat wuz watchin him favrite sofa. Him clohtes wuz wite leik teh snowz, (butt nawt az cold! brr!) an him fur wuz wite liek teh wullz. An him speshul favrite sofa wuz on fire,an itz wheels wuz on fire, tew (Haow doez him sitz on it?! iz liek misturee.)
10 An dere wuz a ribber ov fire liek cumeing owt frum teh sofa. Dere wuz lotz an lotz of pepplez,(SRSLY!) An all teh speshul pepplz wuz sittin,an dey opend bookz an stuffz. Wuz kewl, lol.
11 "Den ah watchded cuz teh bitty horn wuz jerk. Ah lookded till teh rilly big animul wid liek all teh hornz an stuffz wuz died an itz bodi wuz thorwn in teh fier.
12 (Teh udder beeztz wuz bannd butt dey still liev for a tiem.)
13 "An in mah dreemz I seez a dood liek teh sun ov hooman, cumeing wid teh cloudz of teh ceilingz. Him haz a ladderz an went to teh Ceiling Cat.
14 An him wuz given rilly pwrful buffz an mod skillz an lazurz an stuff, an awl teh pplz frum evrywhre camed an fell daown bfore him feetz. Him has rilly looooong lieving pwrz an him haz cookie jarz dat nawt be destroeyd evr! (iz maed of teh plastix or sumthinkz!)

funny pictures of cats with captions
Psalm 132
Kittehz purrzing to teh Ceiling Cat

1 Oh hai Ceiling Cat!
Ur membres dis d00d Daybid?
Him goez in teh tiime wif non of teh cheezburgrz an wif non of tehm cookiez.
Him no beez one of dem happy kittehz.
Plz membres hims pwnful Ceiling cat!

Psalm 93
Ceiling Cat Reins

1 Ceiling Cat reins; Him iz robbed in ossam. Teh urfs is maeded; an no a mount uf kittehs can moevs it.
2 Yews ar liek teh furst kitteh; yoos iz rly old.
3 Oh noes! Teh waterz iz lifted ups. O Ceiling Cat! Savez us frm deh wet waterz.
4 Yew p0wnz teh waters!
5 Yoo tales teh waterz to leafs us aloens.


Revelation 1:4b-8
Ceiling Cat sez teh apocalypse is comming.

1 John haz sum revelashunz. Tehy frum teh Happycat, but wuz furst frum Ceiling Cat, an tehy to show what iz comin. Teh Ceiling Cat sended hiz angel to John to give revelashunz.
2 John sez iz all totally troof, zactly what teh Ceiling Cat and Happycat sayed. He no lie. Srsly.
3 Everwun what reedz these wurdz will has cheezburgrz and everwun what heerz theez wurdz will has cheezburgrz. Also, pay attenshuns, cuz iz comin. Habeeb it.
4 John seyz, hay teh sehvuhn churchez over therr in Asia: Oh hai, from teh Ceiling Cat whoz alwayz around, an alwayz haz beens around, an alwayz will bes around, and hai from the sehvuhn kittehs sittin next to his mighteh sofuh.
5 Oh, also, hai frum Happycat, who iz liek totally l33t. Srsly. To Happycat who totally luvz us an died for us an stuff,
6 Ur awsum, kthx.
7 Invisibuhl airplane for Happycat! Everwun will see him in teh airplane, even tho iz invisibuhls. Even thoze bad doodz who wuz so mean will seez him, and everwun will be totally bummed. Srsly.
8 Teh Ceiling Cat sez "iz teh lolfa n iz lolmega n i allwayz haz been n allwayz will be also i haz strongness! rawr"

John 18:33-37

When he woz done prayin to teh Ceiling Cat and stuffs, Jebus took his d00ds and went to teh place wif teh treez wif weird stuffs growin on dem. Now teh evil Judas gui knew dat Jebus took his d00ds there all teh time. So he took HIS army d00ds thar and they had the nasty spiky things that Jebus DID NOT WANT. So Jebus, who knew wat was gonna happen cos he had teh skillz, asked them who they looks for. So teh army d00ds said 'We want Jebus kthxbai.' So Jebus said 'I'm Jebus' and they didn't listens to him so he tolds tehm agains. So then he said 'Let my d00ds go' cos they had be capture his d00ds, and then one of his d00ds cut off the ear of one of teh army guiz, and army gui said owch. But Jebus told him stop cuttin peeples it not nice. Ceiling Cat told d00ds to come take me so i lets them. So they tooks him.

So they pwns Jebus and tiez him wif the ropes and stuff, and took him to teh boss cat who does not maek lolz.

SO then one of Jebuses disiple guiz was followin Jebus to see wot they do to him. But the big boss cat knew the d00d so he had to be wait outside. then ladee asked him if he was one of Jebuses d00ds but he said NO WAI.

The big boss cat asked Jebus about his wurdies to th peeples. Jebus sed 'Teh cats have ears (Well maybe not 1 of dem). why not you ask them wot i saids tto dem?' then teh army d00d hits Jebus and sed 'how very dare you talk to Boss Cat liek dat.' But Jebus sed hey i no do anyfink wrong so dont hit me kthxbai'. So tehn big boss cat sent him to even bigger boss cat.

So when teh d00d was standin around some crazy gui asked him if he was jebuses d00d. but he still sed NO WAI. Den one of teh fwends of teh earless army gui sed 'hey didnt you cut mi frends earsies off?' but teh d00d still sed NO WAI. then a crazy chicken who no has flavor started to sing.

So anywai teh army d00ds takes Jebus to teh big boss cat. and teh big boss cat sez 'who dis and why he here?' so teh army d00ds said 'He bad so we bring him to ur office to be fired kthxbai.' So teh boss cat sez 'DO NOT WANT taek him awai nao and do what u watn wif him.' but teh army d00ds sed 'NO WAI we cants die him in his sleeps'. So den boss cat d00d said 'r u teh boss cat of teh joos?' so jebus sed 'i lives in teh hous wif teh ceiling cat kthxbai.' so teh boss cat sed 'so r u teh leeder den?' so jebus sed 'ye i is teh traffic light cat cos evryon on one sied listens to meh but evry1 on otter sied dont.' so teh boss cat be confuzzled so he asked teh joos who he wanted to be releese who was HIS prisoner nao. 'do yoo want meh to be release jebus?' so teh joos sez 'NUUU we wants barbyrus!' barbyrus had been bad man.


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