Sunday, January 24, 2010

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Third Sunday after the Epiphany

Third Sunday after the Epiphany
January 24, 2010

Nehemiah 8:1-3, 5-6, 8-10
Psalm 19
1 Corinthians 12:12-31a
Luke 4:14-21




Psalm 19

1 ok guyz so liek dat hole in ceiling makez me worship Ceiling Cat.

2 evry nite he iz liek come into hoal n watch me masturbate n stuffz.

3 He nevar talkz or makez noize

4 but I no he watchez n mebbe vidyo tapez. Hole in ceiling == Ceiling Cat'z home.

5 In moarning he iz liek "4 shayme" but lukz happy n e wai.

6 No lolcatz hied from hiz watchingz.

7 OK so wat Ceiling Cat sez goez. He iz alwais rite.

8 liek srsly alwaiz. u lissen u be happyz and den it can be hugz time.

9 Ceiling Cat alwaiz fair n stuffz. liek alwaiz bow 2 him.

10 Srsly! moar want Ceiling Cat commandzmentz than cookiez or cheezburgerz!

11 Dey makez me smartcat n I getz prezentz foar obaying liek at crissmus!

12 we all haz invizible errorz but Ceiling Cat fixez dem withowt voiding warranty. plz be mah geeksquad, Ceiling Cat!

13 n dun let meh bez evul on porpoise. den I beez purrrfect.

14 OK srsly Celing Cat! Plz luv me n givez meh cheezburgerz. kkthxbai

Basement cat does not  sparkle in sunlight
1 Corinthians 12:12-31a

12 OK dis part iz deepz. Teh bodi is jus wun thing, but it gotz lotz of partz. Jesus is liek dat.
13 We all hadded a baff and maded us wun church, no mattr who we wuz befor.
14 Liek I sez, teh bodi haz lotz of partz.
15 If teh paw sez "I quit teh bodi LOL," dat not meanz it stopz bein part of teh bodi.
16 An if teh ear sez "I iz not a eye, I quit," it duzint stopz bein part of teh bodi eithr.
17 Imagine if teh whoal bodi was an eye LOL. U cudnt hear nothin. Or if teh whoal bodi wuz an ear, u cudnt smell.
18 Ceiling Cat putted teh bodi togethr in a sensibul wai.
19 If dey wuz all teh saem teh bodi wud suk.
20 So mani partz, wun bodi, k?
21 Teh eye cant tell teh paw "I dont need u!" An teh hed cant sai to teh pawz "Go awai."
22 Teh weakist partz of teh bodi iz not opshnlz.
23 An teh partz we thinkz iz nasti is importnt too. Evn if we duz not show dem to evribodi.
24 Ceiling Cat maded teh whoal bodi, even teh nasti partz,
25 so evri part is ekwil OK.
26 If wun part hurtz evrithing hurtz. Or if wun part feelz gud, u getz teh idea.
27 U iz teh bodi of Christ. Evri wun of u is part of it.
28 In teh church Ceiling Cat haz leadrz, den peepl who tellz teh fyoochr, den teachrz, den mirakul wrkrz, den healrz, helprz, middl manijmint, n translatrz.
29 Iz evriwun a leadr? A fyoochrtellr?
30 U getz teh idea, evribodi iz differnt.
31 U shud want teh good prezentz of cors. Now I will showz u teh best wai.

funny pictures of cats with captions

Luke 4:14-21
Jebus getz chaesded out of Nazareth LOL

14 Jebus wented back to Galilee.
15 He teachted in teh synagog an evribodi liekded dat.
16 Den he wented hoem to Nazareth an wented to teh synagog liek he alwaiz did.
17 Sumwun gived him teh book of Isaiah an he lookted up teh part dat goez:
18 "I gotz teh Holy Spirit,
bcz Ceiling Cat pickted me
to giv good newz to deh poor peeplz
an giv freedm to peeplz in jail
an siet to teh blind
an get evribodi treetd bettr
19 an sai this be the year of teh Ceiling Cat's favr."
20 He givded teh book bak. Evribodi was starin
21 an Jebus wuz all "Dat comed tru todai. I iz in ur synagog, fulfillin ur professeez."
22 Evribodi wuz all "What a niec kittn. Hez Joesphz kittn riet?"
23 Jebus wuz all "Now u iz gonna sai 'Doctor, treet urself! Do sum miraclz heer liek u didded in Capernaum.' "
24 "U no whut, no proffett iz popular in hiz hoemtown.
25 When Elikhat wuz aliev, dere wuz lotz of widowz whaer he lived.
26 But Ceiling Cat didint send Elikhat to enni of dem. He sended Elikhat to a widow in Zarephath insted.
27 N when Elisha wuz aliev dere wuz all kaindz of leperz whaer he livd. (Leprz haz a skin dizeez calld leprosi, it is nasti). But teh onli wun Elisha healded wuz Naaman teh Syrian."
28 Dat pissted evribodi off.
29 Dey throwd Jebus out of town an draggded him up a hill. Dey wuz goin to thro him off teh clif.
30 But he jus walkted thru teh crowd an lefted LOL.



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