Thursday, April 15, 2010

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Third Sunday of Easter, April 18, 2010

Third Sunday of Easter
April 18, 2010

Acts 9:1-6, (7-20)
Psalm 30
Revelation 5:11-14
John 21:1-19

Acts 9:1-6, (7-20)
Saul's Convurshun

1 At sametimez Saul still wuz sayin bad stufs aganst Ceiling Cat's 'sciples. He goed to high preest
2 He askd high preest for ledderz to teh sinamagogz in Damascus, so if he foundz ne menz or womenz who followed Ceiling Cat, he could taek dem be puts in Jerusalem jale.
3 As he wuz on teh way to Damascus, all of suddens lite appear! Lite frum Ceiling, zomg!
4 Saul gotz skeerd so he fells to ground and Ceiling Cat speekz. "Saul, wtf, why u hurtz me?"
5 "Who is u?", Saul asks."
6 Ceiling Cat sez, "I iz Jebus, ftw! And u iz hurting me an my peeps. u must go to teh city, u will getz instrukshunz der."
7 Teh othur guiz Saul waz travlins wit were like, "Um k, wtf?", cuz they hurd Ceiling Cat but din't see Him.
8 Saul got up from teh gwound but he reelize that he culdn't see nuthing cuz crazie lite mades him blind. So teh othur guiz helped Saul gets rest of wai to Damascus.
9 Saul blind for free days, and during dese days he not drink or eats foodz. Not even cheezburger!
10 In Damascus ther waz 'sciple by naem of Ananias. Ceiling Cat spoke to him in vishun. Ananias anserd an sed, "Oh hai! What up?"
11 Ceiling Cat sed, "There is howse of Judas on Straight Street. U mus goes cuz ther man from Tarsus naemd Saul, and he iz praeyin.
12 I shoewd him vishun, and in vishun you putted your hans on him and gived him back his site."
13 Ananias anserd. "But I has heards stuff bout this gui. Isn't he dat guy who was pwning your saintz an stuff?
14 And he haz comes here with cheef preestz 'thority to putz your peeps in jale! Iz I not rite?"
15 Ceiling cat says "Yes, he waz but he differn now. I has maded him to followz me an speak in my naem to teh Gentiles, ther kingz and Israel peeps.
16 I shoewz him how much he mus suffur for mah name. No worriez, kk?"
17 So Ananias wented to howse. He foundz Saul and dids wut Ceiling Cat say. He place hans on Saul. Ananias sed, "Hai Saul, Ceiling Cat, who pwnded your eyez with crazie lite, sented me to u so you cans be filld with teh Hover Cat. kk? You can has site bak."
18 Then weerd scaly thingz fell frum Saul's eyes. Saul seez again, ftw!!! Furst thing he do: he getz baptisd.
19 Then he eated foodzstufs cuz he wuz hungry. Food maded him strongur!

Saul in Damascus an Jerusalem
19 Saul spend lotz dayz with teh 'sciples in Damascus.
20 Whiel he waz der he speaks about Ceiling Cat n' stuf in teh sinamagogs.

funny pictures of cats with captions
Psalm 30

1 Ai wull prayseh yu, teh Cieling Cat, cos yu pickd meh upz frm the toylut bowl an di unt letz next doorz dog laff at meh!! WAI DEY LAFF AT MEH!!!11!!
2 O teh Cieling Cat, I corlded yu an yu gis me the maike betta medsin. (Tayste bad tho srsly).
3 O teh Cieling Cat, yu has gotz meh from teh gardin holze an di unt letz meh fallz in teh toylut agen, srsly, ah keeypz duin that…
4 Myawzez 2 teh Cieling Cat, yu furreh toyz ov hiz, that goze skweek! Sayz iz nayme lotz and lotz and lotz!!
5 Cieling Catz mad fing tis shoort, but heez luvz yah frevur, srsly, cuz ai iz mayekin noyzes all nyte (wihch ai iz k wiv), an deh sleepeh kittenz is happeh in teh mornun.
6 Wun ai iz on teh sofur, ai myaw “NAOW, IZ MAI CUSHIN!!!”
7 O Cieling Cat, wun yu lykez meh bestist , yu mayde meh scwatchin powst nt forl ovah wen ai iz scwatchin (vewy inportant), bt wen yu iz hydin ur fayse, ai iz lyke OMG yu dyssapeyude!!! Srsly lyke WTF? Wer yu gon?!!11!!!! YU INVISDIBUL!!!
8 Tuh yu O Cieling Cat, ai myawed mor: 2 Cieling Cat foor murseh!!
9 Wai teh dog allwayz trei 2 putz meh in toylut bowlz!!? Wai?!! Oh noes! Teh dogz trei 2 take mah cookiez!! Iz teh snayulz gunna bee yur kittehz?? Iz it gunna sayz yu luvz Cieling Cat more dan cookiez an meh??
10 Lizun O Cieling Cat an giz meh cookiez plz, O Cieling Cat, beh mah fwuendz, k?
11 Yuh turnd mah cri cat 2 danz cat, tuk off taht grai furz an yuzed teh fur die of teh fun kynd, srsly, ai hatez teh garai furz, meks meh luk lyk teh ownur of sooicydul catz, srsly.
12 Soze mai hart can myawz 2 yuh an not beh myawluss. O Cieling Cat, ai givz yuh mah cookiez furevr, k, thnx, bai..

funny pictures of cats with captions
Revelation 5:11-14

11 Then a bazillion kittehs gathered 'round an
12 They singed:
"Teh itty-bitty dead baby Lamb is so gret
an can has power an moniez an smartz an be reel strong
an can has honorz an gloriez an praise! Srsly!"
13 Then everwun everwherr in heaven an not in heaven an in teh ground an in teh oshun an everting singded:
"Teh orange statchoo dood an teh itty-bitty baby Lamb
Can has praise an honorz an gloriez an powerz
totally 4vr!"
14 Teh 4 aminulz wif all teh eyez sez: "Srsly," an teh old doodz fell down again.

funny pictures of cats with captions
John 21:1-19
Happy Cat makz Fishburgerz

1 Aftr dez stuff, teh dscpls sez happy cat at Tiberiases Sea, and he duz it liek ths.
2 Simon Petercat and Thomcat whoz naemd Didcatymus and Nathaniel frm Cana in Galilee, Zebedeez sonz, and two othuh dscpls wuz tgthr.
3 And Simon Peter sez to thm: "Ize goan out fssshng." And they sez: "Weez goin too." So out goez them and getz into the baot, but they din catchin nuthn. All nght. Srsly.
4 Happy Cat, sez dem, but dey did not dink it was Happy Cat.
5 He mewd, "Haf u any fish?". Dey zed "Nu".
6 He zed, "Drop ur fish net de other wayz". Dey did dis an loz of yumy fish fild teh net an dey couldnt pick it al up.
7 Den teh dscpl woh Happy Cat luvz, zed "it is Ceiling Catz kitty", an petercat herd dis he put on his top and jumd in teh nasty watrz to get to Happy Cat.
8 Teh othrz came in with the boat and al teh fish.
9 Dey sez him cooking fish burgerz.
10 Happy Cat sez to dem, "Bring some fish to cook".
11 Petercat got teh 153 vry big fish an dropd dem at Happy Cat, an teh net had nu hols in it.
12 Happy Cat sez "ymm, eat", an nu dscpls sez "who r u?", dey all knoz he was Ceiling Catz kitty.
13 Happy Cat dropd dem teh fishburgers.
14 An dat waz twee tiems Happy Cat waz with dscpls after hm liev again.

Happy Cat makz Petercat Happy again
15 Aftr tehy haz teh fishburgrz, Jesus sez to Petercat, "Simon Johnson, doz u luvz me moar thn tihs?" and he sez "lol, yah, I liek u moer than ear rub." and Jesus sez "Mah miec can haz burgrz."
16 And Happy Cat sez gen "Hay Simon Johnson, doz u loves me moar dan tilapia fish?" and he sez "um yah, I liek you moar dan belly rub." and Happy cat sez "U keep mah miec saef."
17 An Happy Cat sez one moar tiem "Hay Simon Johnson, doz u liek me moer dan chin rub? Srsly?" and Petercat iz liek WTF? becuz Happy Cat sezd "Does u liek me" gen and he sez "u knoz evrything, srsly u knoz, I Luvs u." and Happy Cat sez "Moar burgrs for mah miec"
18 "Srsly, srsly, when u waz teh kittehns, u haz teh fur and u goes placez u want; u will haz teh olds and sumone elsz haz teh fur fore u and tehy sez 'U goes here naow, k?' and u sez 'Do not want!' but u goes tehre neways."
19 And he sayed teh stuffs becuz tahts haow he diez becuz teh Ceiling Cat pwns. And aftr he sayed teh stuffs he sez "Hy, chase me, k?"

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