Saturday, June 12, 2010

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, June 13, 2010

Sunday, June 13, 2010

1 Kings 21:1-10, (11-14), 15-21a
Psalm 5:1-8
2 Samuel 11:26-12:10, 13-15
Psalm 32
Galatians 2:15-21
Luke 7:36-8:3

1 Kings 21:1-10, (11-14), 15-21a
Naboth Iz Maed Ded Fur Him Vinyerd

1 An it caem to pass after dese tings dat Naboth teh Jezreelite can has a vinyerd dat wuz in Jezreel, next to Ahab teh king uv Samaria's palaec.
2 So Ahab sed to Naboth, "Oh hai. Ai can has yur vinyerd, so ai can has a vegetabul gardun rite by mai plaec? Yu can has bettah vinyerd fer dis one. Or ai can gifs yu munnies fer it kthnx."
3 But Naboth sed to Ahab, "STFU! Ceiling Cat sez yu no can has mai inheritunce frum mai daddehs!"
4 So Ahab wen hoem all pissed off becaues Naboth sed to him "Yu no can has mai inheritunce frum mai daddehs." An he got in him bed an wuz all emo, an wudn't eated any fud.
5 But Jezebel him wife caem to him, and sed, "Oh hai, y yu act so emo dat yu no eated yur fud?"
6 Him sed to her, "Iz emo becaues I sed to Naboth, 'I can has yur vinyerd? Ai can gifs yu anuther one or yu can has a money fer it.' An him sed, "STFU. Yu no can has mai vinyerd.'"
7 Den Jezebel sed to him, "You can has tellz peeps wat to do! Stop bein emo an eated som fud--nom nom--and I can has Naboth teh Jezreelite's vinyerd fer yu."
8 An her rote emailz in Ahab's naem, an sent dem to teh eldahs an teh nobels who were in teh citeh wif Naboth.
9 Teh email sed, "Call fer teh kittehs to no eated, an gif Naboth hi spot among teh kittehs;
10 and can has two skankeh d00ds befer him and dey can has sez, "OMG yu talk bad abot Ceiling Cat an teh king! GTFO!!1" Den taek him out, and thrwo stoens at him until him iz ded. Srsly."
11 So teh d00ds (teh nobels an teh eldahs) of Naboth's citah did liek Jezebel tolded dem to do in teh emailz.
12 Dey calleded fer teh kittehs to no eated, and gif Naboth hi spot among teh kittehs.
13 An two skankeh d00ds caem out and talked bad abot him to in front uv teh othurs; dey sez, "Hay! Naboth iz no peeps wif Ceiling Cat or teh king!" An teh kittehs were liek, "OH NOEZ DO NOT WANT" an taeked Naboth outsied teh citeh an trew stoens at him, until him was ded frum teh stoens. Srsly.
14 Den dey sents email to Jezebel wich sez, "We can has stoeneded Naboth an him is ded. Srsly."
15 An so wen Jezebel gotz teh email an red dat Naboth wuz ded, her sed to Ahab, "Oh hai. Yu no act emo nao; yu can has dat vinyerd becaues Naboth iz ded nao. Yu no haev to worree abot him sez to yu to STFU an no taek yur monees. Srsly."
16 So Ahab sed, "O rlly?" an wuz happee dat Naboth wuz ded, an wen to stealeded teh vinyerd ovah teh ded bodee uv Naboth teh Jezreelite.

Teh Ceiling Cat Puts Ahab In Teh Kornur
17 Den teh word uv Ceiling Cat caem to Elikhat teh Tishkite and sed,
18 "Yu can has taek a taxicab to see Ahab king uv Israel. Him liev in Samaria. Der him iz, in teh vinyerd uv Naboth, where him has stealeded it.
19 You can sez to him, 'Thus sez Ceiling Cat: "Yu can has killed mai peep fer him vinyerd?"' An yu can sez to him, "Where teh loldogs lickd teh blud uv Naboth, teh loldogs can has likc yur blud, tew."'"
20 So Ahab sed to Elikhat, "Yu can has foudn meh, mai enemeh?" An he sed, "Ai can has foudn yu, becaues you can has solded yursef to do ebil in teh site uv Ceiling Cat:
1 Behold, ai can has brign teh pwnage on yu. I willz taekz yur monees, an willz cutz off frum yus every mael in Israel, free an slaev.

funny pictures of cats with captions
Psalm 5

Kitteh David prepairz 2 raid bad kittehz

1 Lissen, Ceiling Cat,
2 mah meowin.

2 Lissen 2 mah meowin,
mah boss an mah Ceiling Cat,
cuz I iz talkin 2 u. Rly.

3 I iz meowin in teh mornin, Ceiling Cat,
an I iz watchin 4 u.

4 Cuz u do not want bad stuffz,
and no bad cheezburgrz too.

5 And u do not liek dum peeplz or bad peeplz.

6 U wil pwnz trash-talkers an KSers.

7 Iz I can be in ur guild plz?
I sharez cheezburgr, k thx.

8 We can haz raid in ther base,
an not aggro teh dog.

9 Theyz all trash-talkin,
stealin ur burgrz,
an tryin to haz props
but they sux.

10 Pwn dem, O Ceiling Cat;
taek burgrz an giev 2 me;
throw dem in teh alleyz;
dey are bad kittehz.

11 And den givez happy face to gud kittehz:
let em purr an nap cuz you liek dem:
let gud kittehz haz cheezburgr.

12 Cuz Ceiling Cat lieks gud kittehz,
an u gievz him gud cat bedz.

funny pictures of cats with captions
2 Samuel 11:26-12:10, 13-15

26 when uriahs wife herd dat her husband wuz ded, she mournd 4 him.27 aftr teh tiem ov mournin wuz ovar, david had her brought 2 his houz, an she became his wife an bore him son. But teh ting david had dun displeasd teh lord.

Nathan Disses David

1 teh lord sent nathan 2 david. When he came 2 him, he sed, "thar wuz 2 doodz in certain town, wan rich an teh othr poor.
2 teh rich man had vry large numbr ov sheep an kattle,
3 but teh poor man had nothin except wan lil ewe lamb he had buyd. He raisd it, an it grew up wif him an his children. It shard his fud, drank frum his cup an even slept in his arms. It wuz liek daughtr 2 him.
4 "nao travelr came 2 teh rich man, but teh rich man refraind frum takin wan ov his own sheep or kattle 2 prepare meal 4 da travelr hoo had come 2 him. Instead, he took teh ewe lamb dat belongd 2 teh poor man an prepard it 4 da wan hoo had come 2 him."
5 david burnd wif angr against teh man an sed 2 nathan, "as surely as teh lord livez, teh man hoo did dis deservez 2 dye!
6 he must pai 4 dat lamb 4 tiems ovar, cuz he did such ting an had no pity."
7 den nathan sed 2 david, "u r teh man! Dis ar teh wut teh lord, teh ceilin cat ov israel, sez: i anointd u king ovar israel, an i deliverd u frum teh hand ov saul.
8 i gaev ur mastahs houz 2 u, an ur mastahs wivez into ur arms. I gaev u teh houz ov israel an judah. An if all dis had been 2 lil, i wud has given u even moar.
9 y u despize teh werd ov teh lord by doin wut iz evil in his eyez? U struck down uriah teh hittite wif teh sword an took his wife 2 be ur own. U killd him wif teh sword ov teh ammonitez.
10 nao, therefore, teh sword will nevr depart frum ur houz, cuz u despisd me an took teh wife ov uriah teh hittite 2 be ur own.
11 "dis ar teh wut teh lord sez: out ov ur own haushold im goin 2 brin calamity upon u. Before ur vry eyez im gonna taek ur wivez an giv them 2 wan hoo iz close 2 u, an he will lie wif ur wivez in broad dailight.
12 u did it in seekret, but im gonna do dis ting in broad dailight before all israel. "
13 den david sed 2 nathan, "i has sinnd against teh lord." Nathan replid, "teh lord has taken away ur sin. U r not goin 2 dye.
14 but cuz by doin dis u has made teh enemiez ov teh lord show uttr contempt, [a] teh son born 2 u will dye."
15 aftr nathan had gone home, teh lord struck teh child dat uriahs wife had borne 2 david, an he became ill.

funny pictures of cats with captions
Psalm 32

1 Cheezburgerz iz for him who iz badnesh are forgeevenz, whoes invizible error hav hided.

2 Cheezberger for da cat whoes invizible erros teh Ceiling Cat doeshunt haz ues againsht him and in whoes speerits iz noes trickory.

3 When ai iz be quiet, mai bonse waisted awai cuz ai iz meowing all de dai lawng.

4 Foh dai and nite Yor big paw wuz on meh; and ai wuz week and fraid of getting crushord az in de heet of shummer. Srsly

5 Den ai told yu, Ceiling Cat, dat ai invizible errored and did nawt coverz up nuthin. ai sayz, "ai haz confesh meh transhazgreshonz to de Ceiling Cat"— and yu forgivend da gilt of meh invizible error. Srsly

6 Derfore let allz whoes iz luv Ceiling Cat prai to yuz Whaile yu may bez lickd; shurly when da mitey watahs risez, Dey will nots get him wets.

7 Yu are my shafe place; yu will hidez me from bad gaiz k? and seengz lotsh of songs plz. Srsly

8 ai will haz teachre yu de wai to goz; ai will haz watch yu az yu go, and shometiem whiel yu lick yurshelf.

9 Dunt be like de horsie or mulez, k? dey got no undershtanding and musht be ridden on bai kittiez wit bitz and bridles or dey wunt come to yu.

10 Many sadness iz for de bad kittie, but de Ceiling Cat luvs de kittie who haz trust him. kthx!

11 Be extatik wif da Ceiling Cat and be goowd kittie; seeng, allz yu hoo are uprites in de hart! kthxbai!

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Galatians 2:15-21

15 Since we iz Jews,
16 we know dat nobodi getz to go to teh Ceiling bcz dey obey teh law. Beleevin in Jesus iz teh onli wai to get dere.
17 Spoze dat whiel we iz tryin to get riet wif Jesus, we maekz sum Invisible Errors an evribodi notisiz LOL. Duz dat meen Jesus iz in favor of Invisible Errors? Hell noes!
18 If I braekz sumthin an den fixiz it, I iz obviusli a criminl.
19 Bcz thru teh law, I died to tel law, so dat I cud liv for Ceiling Cat.
20 I died wif Jesus, but Jesus iz in me livin. I liv bai beleevin in Jesus, who liekded me an died for me.
21 It iz importnt dat Ceiling Cat forgivz us. If u cud get forgivniss thru obeyin teh law, den Christ died for nothin. Think about dat for a whiel.

funny pictures of cats with captions
Luke 7:36-8:3
Jebus Anointed By a Bad Kitteh

36 A pharsie sed "Hay u can come haz cheezburger" so Jebus did.
37 A bad kitteh herd he wuz tehre so she cam with cookies,
38 an gived him cookies and didn't eated them, an she lickded his fur all clean an stuff.
39 Pharsie wuz liek, "wtf ur no smrt, she gotz invisible errors an ur lettin her clean ur fur."
40 Jebus sed, "Simon, I haz sumtin to say to u." "Wut iz it?"
41 "2 ppl owez a dood sum cheezburgers. 1 owez 500 an otehr owez 50.
42 Bcuz tehy both no has cheezburgers, dood sez ok wahtever nm kthxbai. So which 1 luvz teh dood moer nao?"
43 Simon sed, "1 who owez more cheezburgers." Jebus sed, "ya rly."
44 Tehn he wuz liek, "do u see tihs womin? wen I cum here u dint clean my fur but she did.
45 U dint givez me cookies, but she givez me lotz of cookies and didn't eated tehm.
46 U dint doez scratchies bhind my ear, but she doez.
47 So I sez to u, she no has invisible errors now, so she luv lots. Sum1 who dint haev big sinz not luv lots."
48 Jebus sed to her, "U had invisible errors but wahtever nm kthxbai."
49 Everbudy wuz liek "omg who is tihs guy taht sez nm invisible errors?"
50 But he sed to her, "Ur fayeth savez u kthxbai."

1 So after dat Jesus wented around doin his thing, wif hiz twelv followrz,
2 an sum ladiez too. He had heald dem from dizeeziz. He had throwded sevn deemnz out of Mary Magdalene.
3 Dere wuz also Joanna an Susanna an sum otherz. Dey wuz helpin out, supportin teh rest of Jesuss followrz.

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