Monday, August 09, 2010

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for August 8, 2010

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Isaiah 1:1, 10-20
Psalm 50:1-8, 22-23
Genesis 15:1-6
Psalm 33:12-22
Hebrews 11:1-3, 8-16
Luke 12:32-40

Isaiah 1:1, 10-20

1 Tis be about a fantesi what a kitteh whats kawled Isaiah sawded, wen dere woz sum royel kittehs tellin uzza kittehs wat to do, n stuff.
10 Ffs, dis iz teh last taim ceiling cat iz gonna tel u:
11 "ZOMG GUISE, AI HAZ ENUF OV U KITTEHS! Tank u so much 4 kepin al teh mousez for me but ai kant eats dem al dat fast! Iz not lol ennimor! We iz waistin teh mousez! U iz can haz bein killin al teh mousez an i iz sik ov it!
12 "Eniwai, hu tolded u to get al teh mousez and be rekkin mai haus? Not ai. Ceiling cat don be tellin nowun to be makin teh mes u kittehs haz maid.
13 "So nau ceiling cat be tellin u to stop gettin al teh mousez,14 an u not be aloud to haz al nait partees enimor coz ceiling cat iz gettin jak ov it. Teh muzak iz too laud an teh nayborz don liek r0x0rz muzak eniwai. If u guise haz anuzza partee den ceiling cat wil be shautin 'oh hai everywun, i iz in ur partay and i iz shuttin it daun.'
15 "An i noes dat u iz gunna cumplain bout it, but ceiling cat iz gunna sai 'tork to mai por' and waiv hiz por arund soz that he kant here u kittehs cumplainin. It iz al ur foltz for not ternin daun teh muzak, an i iz punishin u al.
16 "Soz befor ceiling cat kikz ur kittehbutts outta teh haus, kleen it up alredi. Stop be trashin mai haus. uzzawize no mor cheezburgrz, EVA."
17 "Ceiling Cat sayz lerns teh gud; Find justices, k? Tell teh opprezzed dey can has cheezburgrz. Care 4 teh littel orphan bebes. N cry fur teh widowz."
18 At tis point, ceiling kat iz eetin a cheezburgr NOM NOM NOM to remaind teh kittehs hu da boss.
19 Ceiling cat sez: "I haz idea. If u kittehz do wat i sai den ai iz gonna let u haz free cheezburgrz for, ai dunno, maibe a weik? BUT ONLI IF U GOOD AN NO NOMNOMNOMIN EACH UZZA K?
20 "But let ceiling cat worn u: if ai faind so much az WUN, i tel u, WUN, ded maus in teh cubbord, an i haz not tolded u to maik it ded, or if u be hazzin parteez in teh smorl ouwaz wen ceiling cat are tryin to get sum sleip, den i be yuuzin mai milk kanon from teh ceiling to kick al u kittehz autsaid wair thair be lionz. Even wen i here u skreechin 'OMG!!! ITZ A LION GET IN TEH HAUS' an u kant get in teh haus coz ceiling kat haz lokked teh kittehflap, no that ai IZ NOT LETTIN U BAK IN! kthxbye."

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Psalm 50
Teh Song By Asaf

1 Teh mytee Ceiling Cat speekz to an sumuns teh Urf and teh uvva kittehs, frum teh sun cummin up to teh sunset, Srsly.
2 Frum teh Matrix, purrfect in booty, teh Cieling Cat Gloes.
3 Teh Ceiling Cat will beh cummin, and he wnt shup; uh fiyer eats afor him, and he iz in uh Storm.
4 Teh Ceiling Cat will make teh ceiling and teh urf come, Srsly, so tht he can watch teh uvva kittehs always.
5 He sed "Cum here my speshul kittehs, who pwomessed meh stuff by killin teh mices."
6 And teh Ceiling says tat Ceiling Cat is rite, cuz teh Ceiling Cat himselfs is teh judge, Cheezbrger.
7 Listen to meh kittehs! Cos ai iz gunna speek kittehs, and ai will testuhfai agaynst yooh!
8 Ai iz not gunnah shout a yooh kittehs fur yor sackriffisez or fur yor buhnt offrins what yooh alwayz gives meh.
9 Ai dunt want yor kows or yor horny beard kittehs frum yor howses.
10 Cuz ai alreddy haz all teh animulz in teh woodz, and all of teh cows on uh fowzand hillz
11 Ai'z frendz wiv orl of teh burdees in teh mowntins and teh creechers of teh feeld iz mine
12 If ai wuz hungree, ai woodnt tell yooh, ai would eet cheezbrgrz for ai can haz cheezbrgrz, and all tat is in dem
13 Do Ceiling cat eat teh skinz of kowz? or drinks teh blud of teh horny beardy kittehs?
14 Fank meh by killin teh d00ds like yooh pwomessed meh yooh wood, Srsly.
15 Ask meh for halpz when yooh wants it, ai will halp yooh, and yooh will return teh fayva

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Genesis 15:1-6

1 An den, Abram can has dream of Cieling Cat, and he sez
"Don be fraidy cat Abram,
i blocks teh attacks,
and den you can has cheezburger"
2 but Abram wuz liek "Cieling Cat, i has no kittehs to giv mah homez and sandboxz and littrbox and such
3 with no kittehs, my servants can has mah homez and stufs
4 Cieling Cat sez "STFU Abram, i can givez you a kitteh to play WoW with"
5 He takes Abram outside and is liek "look at teh starz and hevenz, if yous can count them, so is ur kittehs"
6 And Abram was liek srsly? All cause Ceiling Cat is Righchus

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Psalm 33

1 Sing teh happeh songs for teh Ceiling Cat, cuz that maek him happeh. Srsly.
2 Maek teh cool songs wif ur guitars and ur keyboards about teh Ceiling Cat.
3 Maek up ur own songs for him, but don be a n00b, be gud at playin ur guitars.
4 Teh Ceiling Cat nevur lies, if he sez he give u Cheezburgr, den he give u cheezburgr.
5 Ceiling Cat lieks all teh good things. Srsly. Teh urfs is full of his cheezburgrz.
6 Ceiling Cat maded teh urfs all by himselfs. Just by breethin, cuz he is that cool.
7 He cud, liek, put all the waterz into a big jar if he felt liek it. But he dusn't.
8 Be afraid of Ceiling Cat! Srsly, he cud taek away ALL teh cheezburgrz. Be respekting of him, srsly.
9 Cuz all he did was spaek, and it maded teh urfs. all teh cheezburgrz are bcuz of him.
10 He is liek totally in charge of ALL teh goingz on. if he DO NOT WANT you do sumthin', he stop you.
11 But if what you want to do is teh saem as Ceiling Cat's plans, that is cool.
12 All teh gud peoplez who are singing teh songs to teh Ceiling Cat will get lots of cheezburgrz. Ceiling Cat lieks you, and he picked you bcuz ur songs wer cool.
13 Ceiling Cat luks down from teh Ceiling at all teh peoplez.
14 It is eazy bcus he is up so high!
15 Ceiling Cat maded u. Srsly. All teh thingz u do, is bcuz he lets u!
16 No Just bcuz ur armiez r big, does not maen u can has win teh battelz.
17 Evun if u r reely strong, u can not has teh biggest cheezburgr.
18 But Ceiling Cat feelz bad for all teh n00bz, specially teh onez who r afraid of him.
19 Ceiling Cat gives u all teh cheezburgz, u no can has hungriez.
20 All teh good kittehs wait for teh Ceiling Cat bcuz he be protekting them. srsly.
21 He maeks us happeh and we sing for teh Ceiling Cat!
22 Pleez to be laiking us and teh songz we maded about u, Ceiling Cat!

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Hebrews 11
Approyinchingz ceiling cat n Stuff (DON NOT WANT)

1 Fayth be liek da real stuffs underz da stffs ur hopin for and da proofs of stuf u cant seez (evn us kittehs and we seez in teh dark).
2 Thats wut teh old peeps sais, srsly.
3 Wif fayth we shud unde-unda-kno dat ceiling cat maded teh things so us can seez the things to seez.
4 By fayth Abel offerd ceiling cat better than Cain (srsly Cain, no want veggies!) Ceiling cat gived Abel cheezburger an maded him ritechuss manz cuz he has teh better offer, srsly. Now he can stil speek tho he iz dead (ben daed long tiem ago).
5 Bi fayth Enoch-cat waz takens ups so him would n0t get wet, n "him ws fuond no' mo' cause ceiling cat had taken him." B4 him waz taked upz it waz sed to haev made ceiling cat happeez likz catnip.
6 bt wit 0ut any fayths it gonna b impsaBBle to give his catnipz. 4 Any 1 w0h aprochez ceiling cat m0ust has cheezeburgers and gives him catnipz
7 Bi da fayth and flavorz of n0ah, warnedned waht was not gon b yet seed, builded an arks 4 his famuhlee so they cud liv. Thr3w dis he condom'd da earthz and inhairted the ritechussness that comez thruz fayth.

Mor fayth stuf
{{verse |
8=Bai fayth abrahamb (membr from loooooong tym go u gota listen srsly d000d.) obodieds wen him was called to go to a pleace that him was to getz as a preznt (PREZNTS!, FTW!!111!!!!!!1111`1!111111!!!!!!!. SRSLY) he wentz oyt n0t noin where he was gon to be goin. |
9=N wen abrahamb goed tu teh plaice Ceiling Cat tole he tu goe, him didz liev in uva bruva's tentz leik a vistur cat, srsly, n' so didz abrahamb's chldruns and chldrun's childruns |
10= cuz he wnted mor preznts lik a real big citi with lotz and lotz of cheezbrgrs mad bai Ceilin Cat himself.|
11=Bai fayth abrahamb (evn tho he wuz super old, srsly) n sara (she wuz old 2 n no culd haz bebes) bcam papa n mama cats to littl kittehs cuz he trsted $¢

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Luke 12:32-40
Cheezburgrs in Ceiling

32 "No be scairded, d00dz, cuz yr Daddie da Ceiling Cat iz happy to gif u Ceiling
33 Sell yur cheezburgers an gif 2 poor kittehs who no has cheezburgrs. Makz cheezburgrs up in Ceiling dat nevr git eated or steelded or stinky yuky pooey.
34 Cuz wer yur cheezburgrs iz, dat wer yur hart iz."

Wahchful Survnts
35 "Doan be nekkid an n de dark.
36 Wahch 4 Boss Kitteh, so wen him gits hoem aftr weddng, u be redi let him in.
37 If him git hoem and seez dat u wer wahchng, him giv u cheezburgrs. Srsly!
38 Speshly if it be at naptiem, an u stil wahchng sted ov napen, Boss Kitteh rly liek u den."
39 "If u no wen cheezburglr coem, den ur cheezburgrs not git steelded.
40 Dat meenz u shd luk 4 Jebus all de tiem an be redi 4 him shoh up."

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Ree-purrted by KC

1 comment:

  1. hi Andree, this was a lot of fun to read :D
    the tag u gave was right on the dot.. LOL Cat Bible ;)
    glad to have read it..


    PS: Thank you for updating the links after my blogspot blog was lost. Its a pleasure participating regularly for OSI :) Would you like to come join us at my haiku meme, "Haiku Heights"?


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