Monday, September 06, 2010

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, September 5, 2010

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Jeremiah 18:1-11
Psalm 139:1-6, 13-18
Deuteronomy 30:15-20
Psalm 1
Philemon 1-21
Luke 14:25-33

Jeremiah 18:1-11
Goin 2 teh howse uv teh pottr

1 Jeremiah wuz get email and stuffs from da Ceiling Cat.
2 Ceiling Cat sayz "Can't talk now but dez more info in dis potter's hosue".
3 So Jeremiah go to potthose and potter is inside potter's house, workin' ur wheels.
4 But the pot is all sticky and stuffs so he makes it better and stuff.
5 Then Jeremiah gets anuther emails from the Ceiling Cat.
6 RE: Israel: Israel's like pottery and stuff.
7 I can has destrukshon?
8 But you can has no destrukshon if you act cool and stuff.
9 And sometimes I can has new cities and cool stuffs.
10 But if dey suck then dey get blasted, k?
11 P.S. I'm gonna blwo you up12 And I know ur gonna say who cares but dats ok.

Psalm 139

1 O hay, Ceiling Cat, You knows me rly gud right?

2 You knows when I sits, and when I is dun sittin'. You is liek a psychic, but not one o teh fake psychics. You dun readed my mind.

3 When I goes out mah kitteh door, and when I lays down in mah basket, You knowed it. I looked up 1 tiem and sawed you watchin me do somefin embarsing, but You still likeses me!

4 B4 I meows, You dun already knowed what I is gonna meow (but I meow anywai).

5 You tucks me into mai basket and gives me pets on mai hed.

6 Is 2 wunderful to knows, mai brainz not big nuff.

7 Where can I be hided frum U? U is everywhere.

8 When I goes in teh ceiling, I see U. I was sleepin in da basement 1 tiem and U dere 2.

9 If I had birdie wings and flewed me morningtimes 2 other side of teh neighbrs pool and hided reel gud in teh bushes,

10 You'd still finded me and give me hug tiems.

11 I dun thinked "I is sooper sneeky, and is invisible ninja kitteh at nite! Plus I knockded over teh tabl lamp 4 moar darks."

12 But You's got teh glowy kitteh eyes and can sees me when it's dark!

13 You dun made mai kittiness, and putted me in mah momma's tummy.

14 You dun a good job, I is teh awesome! Sos other stuffs U maked, I knows.

15 Mai bones, You dun seed them bein made. S'posed to be sekrit, but not 2 U.

16 Ur glowin kitteh eyes dun sawed me fore I was me. An U have big word book wit all mah pwnages and exploytes and stuffs writ down. Even ones I din't do yets!

17 When U thinks things, that thinkin's rly kewl. An You gots moar thotts than other peeples cause yur rly kewl.

18 You gots so many thoughtses, moar than anythin. Moar than mai litter box has gots sandses, which is alot. I wakeses up (in mai basket, not in mai littrbox) an U r there.

19 O hay Ceiling Cat, y dont U pwn moar bad guise? Teh baddies, dont want!

20 Theys all liek "Celling Kat U R noob! All your bases are belong to us!" an they's spelted Ur name wrong an stuff!

21 I hates them.

22 I rly rly rly hates them.

23 I is moar better then them! I thinks... Can U check?

24 Sos we'll know 4 sure, U should check, an if Im doin bad, U call "Here teh kitty kitty", k? So's I can come live wit U 4-evah.

Deuteronomy 30:15-20

15 See, I gives yu lief an cheezburgrz today, but also deth an bad stufs.
16 Cuz Iz tellin yu tu loev teh Ceiling Cat, an du wut he sez; den yu wil liv an get biggr, an teh Ceiling Cat wil give yu teh cheezburgrz.
17 But if yu dont du dat, an if yu, liek, did it for anuddr god,
18 yu iz on teh list tu be pwnzord. Yu not gunna live fr long, an yu definitly not gettin cheezburgrz.
19 Did day I callz teh ceiling an teh urfs tu see me give yu lief an deth, cheezburgrz an bad stufs. LOLZ. Teh ceiling an teh urf cant see. So, yu gots tu choos lief, cuz uddrwiz yu gunna be pwnzord.
20 An also loev teh Ceiling Cat an lissen tu him. Srsly, iz not a joke. Cuz he iz ur lief, an he can give yu moar lief, tu.

Psalm 1

1 Blessid iz da feline
no walk in counsil of wickid,
no place paws in path of da sinnerz,
no sit and purr with da mockerz.

2 But der delightz in lawz of Ceiling Cat,
an ponderz much.

3 Tehy liek treez bai teh waterz,
dat yieldz teh good fr00tz.
Leef duzn't wither,
prosperz much.

4 Not so teh wickid,
dey like chaffz
pwnt by windz.

5 Derefor wickid doezn't standz in teh judgemint,
or sinnerz in assembly of teh rhytchus.

6 Ceiling cat watches over whey of teh rhytchus,
whey of wickid getz pwnt.

Philemon 1-21

1 O hai Philemon, iz Paul n mai bro Timothy.
2 N hai 2 Apphia and Archippus. N 2 evrywun.
3 May Ceiling Cat gib u many Cheezburgerz.

Philemons luv
4 I tol Ceiling Cat bout u wen I wuz prayin.
5 I biggid u up. Srsly.
6 I hopez ur faiths is goode becuz u sees teh goode stuffs we can maek fore teh Ceiling Cat.
7 Ur luff n 'currigment maeks me LOL, becuz teh hartz uf teh saynts is moar bettr, k mah brudder?

Paul Axes Phil 2 b nice to Onesimius
8 So u no I's not skared of makin u do stuff, rite?
9 But U shuld do teh stuffs becuz I (BTW: I iz Paul; I iz teh olde an i iz prizner for Christ) luffs u.
10 I iz does tihs becuz uf Onesimus, him iz liek mah kidz.
11 Him wuz teh n00b, but naow he haz teh uses and can does teh stuffs.
12 I sendz him--him mah hartz!--2 u naow, k?
13 I lieks him 2 b wif me, becuz he can do teh stuffs insted uf u becuz I iz prizner
14 but I duznt lieks do teh stuffs taht maeks u sez "Do not want!"
15 Idk, mebbe him iz gon so taht him can be bak l8r?
16 Ha! Hiz not ur slave, hiz liek teh brudder, kinda fore me and a lotz fore u, he iz srsly brudder and invisible brudder.
17 So u giv Onesimus cheezburgr. Fries too, laik u giv me, k?
18 Honest, I pay for cheezburgr.
19 Srlsy, I willz! I mean, u owe me rite?
20 Can has a bukkit of pepsy 2? Kthx.
21 I knoes taht u will does what i sez an moar. U rock!22 BTW: I mite comes and lives wif u guys l8r.

Luke 14:25-33
The Cost of Being a Lolcat

25 One time big groop of lolcatz waz with de Jebus. He waz liek
26 "OK guyz, srsly, u cannot be with me if u givez more cheezburgerz 2 ur fambilee than me.
27 and if u no carriez ur crozz n stuff den u r no my lolcat.
28 If u iz liek gonna make cheezburger, maek sure u haz a money b4 u start.
29 If u no haz a money, den u no can put cheez on after u getz bun, and all lolcats will lol.
30 'ROFL nub u haz bun but no cheez' dey will sez.
31 n if liek a king haz 10000 lolcatz but another king haz liek 20000 lolcats, he haz to think if he iz strong enuff b4 fite.
32 if no strong enuf 4 fite den he send lolcats and lolcats iz liek 'u can haz cheezburgers sur'
33 Dat iz de way u can b my dissipul. give all u haz." said Jebus.
34 ok so liek salt haz flavor, but if de salt losez flavorz, den no wai to bring back de flavorz.
35 Iz badz 4 grounds n 4 manure. iz thrown awayz. Listen if u haz earz. srsly.

Weekend Cat Events

Weekend Cat Blogging
#274 Sep 3-5 Jules and Vincent at Judi’s Mind Over Matter
(see the week’s host to enter your WCB post in the comments for the weekend roundup)

Bad Kitty Cats Festival of Chaos
## Edition 119 | Sep 05, 2010 Nikita Cat
Optional Theme
(submit your post here)

The Carnival of the Cats
#338 – Kashim & Othello and Salome
(submit your post here)

Ree-purrted by KC

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